on to the next adventure

three days ago, on May 31st, 2013, i received my medical degree. 

i walked across the stage in a black and emerald gown, was hooded by Dr. Parker, shook hands with Dean Washington, and was announced as Dr. Carla Alejandra Spades.

it's official... i am a doctor. 

my family and best friends were there with me, loving me, supporting me, and reminding me that they have believed in me every step of the way. 

my mom threw me a huge party and i was surrounded by love.

it was a celebration of the culmination of the last 10 years of blood, sweat, and tears. 

all the long hours, sleepless nights, stress, anxiety, fear, and endless amount of work paid off. 

i'm done with medical school forever. 

i have been waiting for this day for years.

and with each approaching day i have been growing more and more excited about it.

in fact, i could hardly sleep the night before i was so amped about it.

and even though i am truly thrilled, and couldn't be more proud,

there is a huge part of me that is really really sad that i won't be a medical student anymore.

the safety i felt, the protection i knew i had, is now gone.

i am responsible for my patients' care.

i am responsible if something goes wrong.

it is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

i know i am still learning, and that i am not yet truly on my own.

but i also know that my safety net is temporary and soon i will be left to rely my own knowledge and skill and will be left alone, responsible for the decisions that affect the lives of my patients. 

what an honor!

this is what i have been waiting for.

all the work i have put in has led me here.

i am starting residency at my top choice program, 

i am madly in love with a boy who loves, respects, and supports me and who has promised to always be there for me, and who lets me love him with my whole heart,

i have friends who care about me and who simply believe i cannot fail,

and i am about to start the rest of my life in the career of my choosing.

it honestly doesn't get any better than this.

here i go, let's see what the future holds. 

blown away.

So, I am totally blown away by my life.
The last time I posted I was devastated and heartbroken.
I feared I would die a cold, lonely death.
My friends swept in an held me until I was able to hold myself.
They cradled me and loved me and reminded me that I am not alone, no matter what.
In the midst of that, a friend opened his heart to me, and I opened mine in return...
and I am now more in love than I have ever been in my whole life.
I swear I didn't see this coming.
How could I?
I was completely invested in my last relationship
As I usually do, I gave it my all - even though he never gave it his... because he couldn't... or wouldn't.
And now I am being given the things I have craved all along.
Safety, warmth, love, care, kindness, tenderness, acceptance, intimacy, and true commitment.
He loves me completely.
And even though it kind of terrifies me, I love him equally in return.
He has my whole heart.
I would do anything for him.
And the amazing thing is... I know he would do anything for me.
I am madly and truly in love.
I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.
And he amazingly feels the same way.
He looks into my eyes, and I swear he is looking at my soul.
The moment he kissed me for the first time, I felt my entire future open up in front of me.
And it is beautiful and amazing.
I feel like I'm home when I'm with him.
I feel warm, safe, protected, loved, and at peace.
It is the most profound feeling I have ever known.
It is calm and safe and warm
It is truly a beautiful thing.
And I intend on feeling this for as long as humanly possible.
He may be The One. My one. And I may be His.
Here we go, life.
Bring it.

ugh

it's ironic that my last post was on valentine's day.
since my heart is now broken and our relationship is over.

i never thought i could be this sad.
not to mention, shocked.
my heart honestly feels like it is breaking, and i can only hope it is breaking open.

we were doing great.
i was falling more in love with him every day.
and then it was over.
so fast it took me a couple of days to really take it in.
for the 3 days after, i would wake up every morning and realize i was not waking up from a bad dream, and my heart would break all over again.

the only short explanation is that we want different things,
or perhaps the timing is off in our own respective timelines so that we will never be in the same place at the same time.

i would have done anything for him, if he would have let me.
but he couldn't.
because then we wouldn't be equal partners in this relationship.

and the part that hurts the most, is that he's right.
not to mention that i feel he couldn't or wouldn't try harder for me or for himself.
that he didn't love me enough to want to make this work.
and that is on him. and will continue to be on him until he decides what is truly important to him.

the fact of the matter is,
i have been slowly chipping away at the parts of myself that make me the woman i am.
the part of me that wants to be taken care of.
and to build a life with someone who i can trust to do their part.
i was willing to shift the pieces of my life so that they fit into his.
because i loved him enough to be with him in any way that i could.
but that is not ok. and now that it is on the page in front of me i can see how wrong it truly was of me to do that.

it wasn't that i was making myself smaller, because that is not the case.
i definitely had a voice and was heard in this relationship.
i felt honored.
and when i was hurt or disappointed i would say something and he would react positively.
i was more of a woman in this relationship than i have ever been.
and i am proud of that.
but i was getting tired of always having to ask to be taken care of.
it made things hard and more work than they needed to be.
the part of the valentine's day story i left out is that i had been asking for flowers for months by the time i got those roses on v-day.
i was teaching him how to treat me like a woman.
when i should have been treated to that from the start.

that may be why this has happened.
because he knows what i want and deserve, and he knows he can't do it.
even though i am now beginning to find that infuriating.
he knew where i stood and knew he couldn't meet me there when the time would come that he should.

i don't know.
maybe me trying to reason this through is my way of processing this breakup,
and the fact that we are not getting back together.

it's hard to understand how this could be real.

but it is real.
and my pain is real.
and it hurts.
and it will hurt.
every day.
until one day it doesn't.
i desperately wish there was something wrong between us.
that we were having problems or fighting or that we simply didn't like or love each other any more.
it would feel like it made so much more sense.
but that is not the case. and now that i think about it, me trying to understand why this has happened is helping me see that it actually makes a lot of sense.

my fear is that i will lose him completely.
i sincerely hope that we are both friends when we get to the other side of this.
because right now i can't imagine not having him in my life in some real way.
losing my friend is what i was afraid of when we began this journey together.
and i would hate to realize my dream when there is still so much love between us.

time will tell.
and as much as i hate to think it, space will help too. i only hope that we can be around each other without one of us (me) breaking down.
i have a shitty poker face, and have never been good about hiding my feelings.
as he says, let's see what happens.

♥ V-Day, 2012 ♥

this morning, i woke up to a surprise visit from Erek.
he burst into my room with a vase of pink roses,
a bowl full of chocolate deliciousness,
a little red book with an inscription that almost made me cry it was so beautiful,
and some presents (3 tokidoki unicorns that are AWESOME!).

i can barely believe he did it.
it was awesome.
i feel So loved and So appreciated!

i have a tiny fear of romance, even though i crave it desperately.
and as usual, he did it perfectly.
i can't stop smiling.
my heart is overflowing with the love i feel for him.

i know its silly, but Valentine's Day is kind of a big deal.
i like to celebrate things (even though i have a fear getting too invested in the celebration).
little parties are awesome.
and V-Day is an excuse to take a day to celebrate our love for each other.
and if anyone's love is gonna be celebrated,
it should definitely be ours.
because it's rad.
i am constantly reminded of how awesome we are!
we are genuinely mad about each other.
we are our truest selves around each other.
and i know this kind of love is not an every day kind of occurrence.
so it should be honored.
and celebrated.
and today, we are throwing it a little party.
and it's really exciting.
and it makes me really happy.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

calming myself.

so the past week has been intense.
for a variety of reasons.

when i am overwhelmed,
my emotional process can go one of two ways:
amplification or compartmentalization.
this past week has been a mixture of the two,
with EJ taking the brunt of the amp'd bit.

basically, i am fretting about my future.
all of it.
residency, the match, my friendships, my relationships, my family, the list goes on and on.
i have also been drowning in a sea of tasks.
my school work has piled up regardless of my work ethic.
and i have taken on responsibilities that have been hard to manage in a sane way.

now that i have time to come up for air,
i realize that my faith has been faltering.
i am caught in a strange place -
i know i need to do the foot-work to realize my wants/desires/dreams,
but i also know i am powerless when it comes to the final result.
so i fret.
and i worry.
and i cry.
and i try to control the one area of my life that seems the most manageable.
and it blows up in my face.

what i concluded after the past week of semi-agony,
is that i need to calm down and let go.
and while i knew this all along,
it took a while for me to feel it (as opposed to just knowing it).

the visual i created for myself around all of this is pretty awesome,
so i am going to share it.

in my mind,
i imagine i am walking to the edge of a cliff,
high above the clouds.
it reminds me of Haleakala.
it's beautiful, peaceful, and cool.
i look over the edge of the cliff,
and i see clouds below.
i'm too high up to see the ground,
but i know it is there.
and that it will break my fall,
and that i will be safe.

i basically feel like i have taken a risk, chosen to hold on to my partner's hand and jumped.
i don't know what is going to happen between the jumping-off point and the ground,
but i know that it is none of my business.
anything could happen:
we could lose our grip on each other, and land safely apart,
ending up in completely different places.
or we may land together, having never let go.
or we may face a huge storm or gusts of wind on our way down,
only to have been brought closer together because of our combined struggle.
i don't know.
but i DO know that i am less scared today than i was yesterday.
and i am in more faith today than i was yesterday.
and i have never stopped believing that i am going to be ok, no matter what.
and for all of this, i am grateful.

i'm gonna enjoy.

hey there.

so i've been on vacation for the past 10 days.
and i am still not sick of being on vacation.

i still have over 3 weeks left, and i'm sure that i'll be ready for life again by then...
but for now, i am reveling in the lack of things to do,
and the endless supply of inane things to watch on teevee.
netflix and cable are bringing me joy and i am not ashamed to admit it.

this is pretty much the last time i am going to enjoy this kind of freedom from responsibiltiy.
probably ever.
i haven't enjoyed a break this long in over 3 years,
and it is unlikely i will enjoy it again.

so i am not going to judge myself for sleeping in until noon everyday.
and i am not going to shame myself for eating a bowl of cereal twice a day.
i am going to enjoy it.
and love it.
because after this i may not be able to say, "i don't have anything to do today."
and i don't want to waste this time thinking i should be doing something.
when there is truly nothing to be done.
for real.
and that is wonderful.

a run-in with the past

it's amazing, the clarity you get with time and distance.
tonight i saw someone i haven't seen in about a year.
(it's been a really good year.)
and i'm glad i had space from him and his way of being.
he has not changed a bit,
even though he claims to have grown up "a lot"...
but objectivism has never been his strong point,
especially since he runs on self.
and maybe i'm just as confused as he is when i think i've changed too...
except i have been told that i am indeed different than i was when we were together.

i have grown into myself over the past couple of years and i have a lot to be grateful for.
and being around him reminded me of my immense gratitude for the life i have today.
i am honest and true to myself in every area possible.
i have love and laughter in my life.
i have a sense of purpose and an outlet for my passion.
i'm living wholly and truly.
and while i suppose my past has led me to my present,
i have a tiny twinge of regret when i think about the time i spent with him.
i know it was real in the moment,
but if reality is so malleable,
then what's to say my life today is any more real?
or any less real.
(deep. whoa.)

anyway, i guess i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that
the chapter of my life with him in it has been over for some time.
and i couldn't be happier about it.
if our paths cross again, it won't ruin my day or anything like that,
but it isn't necessary.
and it would be fine if it didn't happen again.

it's kinda like a town that you have visited on more than one occasion,
thinking it will be better the next time.
and it never is.
it's like that.
only with a dude, instead of a town.
yeah.

it's time.

so i have been putting this part off for some time,
but it has become evident that the time has come to deal.
i want what i want, and i want it to be mine.
so the time has come to line all the ducks up and knock 'em down one at a time.

i've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking with people in my field.
people who know what i'm about to embark on.
and they all have opinions.
and suggestions.
and algorithms.
but i need to find the one that fits me (which is not an easy task).
because sincerity outshines overcompensation... every time.
and i want to do things because of their underlying purpose,
not to fill up space on my CV.

i want to shine the way i know i can shine.
and lately i've been feeling rusty and dull.
which is only my perception, i know, but it Feels real.

anyway, i guess all i am saying is:
now i know what i need to do to get what i want.
and i think i am ready to do it.
all of it.
because i am staying in LA for residency.
period.
and i am going to be happy.
for real.
and i will not cry on Match Day.
no way.
because i will know what is coming before it happens.
i will know in my gut... the place inside me i have learned to trust.
i will know it with every fiber of my being that i am on the right path.
because that feeling hasn't failed me yet.

enjoying.

so it's been a little over 7 months now, and i am officially more in love than i have ever been in my entire life.
this relationship is so perfect that i find myself questioning it and worrying about it a ton.
i feel like i'm gonna break it or something, even though it is far too awesome for little me to be able break it.
but still. i worry.
i'm constantly checking in with him to make sure he feels as good as i do.
and guess what... he does.

i have never been this happy with anyone. not ever.
he understands me.
he supports me.
he encourages me to be me... even when i'm being retarded and crazy.
he always makes me feel safe.
he tells me he loves me and i know he means it.
we are totally doing this relationship thing!
and i think we're doing it well.

as the days continue to pass us by,
i hope i can stay in the moment more...
so that i can enjoy where we are with each other.
because before i know it, this part of the relationship will be behind us.
and we will have spent our lives together.
and i'll wish i had this time to revel in the love we have for each other.
and the way it's growing everyday.
because this part only happens once.
and i don't want to miss it because i was too busy thinking about tomorrow and not about today.

in love with love

so i just left my friend,
who i was lucky enough to have ALL to my self tonight,
and we are both blissfully happy.
which makes me blissfully happy.
because everyone deserves to feel the way i feel on the daily.
and if any one person deserves it more than everyone else,
it's her.

she is wonderful, kind, and full of love and warmth,
and i am SO glad she has love in her life.
because she has been super happy for me over the past few months,
and even though she has been wanting the same thing for herself,
she never made me feel as though she was jealous or resentful of my joy.
she was supportive.
and loving.
and sincerely happy for me.
and now i get to return the favor.
which makes me ecstatic.

life is good.
i've missed her.
and i'm glad we got to share our love with each other.
because love is awesome.
i ♡ love!

loneliness

so i dropped EJ off at the station earlier tonight,
and as i was on my way home, all by my lonesome,
i was struck with a terrible loneliness.
a sadness.
a feeling i haven't had in a long, long time.

i realized that i am kinda sorta having a hard time.
i miss my girlfriends.
a ton.
i miss having girls around me who love me and support me.
i miss relating to them and listening to their experiences.
i miss the mutuality.

the girls that are left, the ones who haven't moved away,
don't include me in the things they do.
i'm not one of them, i guess.
i don't know.
maybe they just don't like me.
maybe they think i don't like them.
all i know is that first CL moved and now KD,
and i am just starting to feel a wee bit unsteady.

maybe i am too hard on people and i don't give them enough of a chance?
maybe i am just not easy to get along with?
maybe i just don't fit in. again.
whatever it is, i just wish it was easier for me to make friends.

as it is, i already feel like my life is compartmentalized.
my school life is separate from my fellowship time...
so i already feel like i am drifting from one place to the other with little-to-no crossover in between...
which makes the absence of the women in my life all the more pronounced.
they were all i had holding me together outside of the stress of school.
and now the numbers are dwindling and i am starting to feel alone.

and while i am totally grateful to have enough time in my life to actually miss being around my friends,
and while i am super stoked that i get to study with my school bestie (i've missed her too),
i still wish i had my friends back.
because i don't think i should feel this alone.
i feel like i am more like-able than this.
maybe i'm not?

i guess i'll just have to try harder.
even though i wish i didn't have to try at all.

wondering if i'm ruining

so, i've been told time and time again that i think too much.
and that i worry too much.
and so on.

but do i?
do i, really??

probably.

for the past few days i've been in the throws of a smothering.
i am officially smothering my relationship.
and i wish i could stop.
but i'm stuck.
because i need his help.

and even though i totally realize that if the tables were turned,
i wouldn't hesitate to help him the way he is helping me,
i can't help but feel like every night we spend together
is just one step closer to killing the spark that remains in our relationship.

i hear him tell me it's fine.
i hear him when he says everything is ok between us.
i hear him.
but inside me something is screaming,
"leave! go sleep in your car! go anywhere else! you're ruining it!!"
my mind is clearly a jerk.
and i clearly have trust issues.
but all that being said,
i wish i could quiet the feeling inside me that is telling me that with each passing night
he is falling just a little more out of love with me.

which is more than likely not true.
so the real question becomes...
why do i choose to believe the worst things my brain tell me?
instead of choosing to believe the man who loves me?
i wonder.

♥ Maui ♥

a few days ago i returned from the most amazing trip i have ever taken in my whole entire life.
i went to Maui with Erek and it is hard to describe how incredible it was.
i feel as though words can't do it justice.
we shared experiences that i am certain were one of a kind,
and for lack of a better (and less cheesy) way of saying it,
it was Magical.

we swam in waterfalls.
we hiked through rain forests.
we drank sugar cane juice and ate coconuts.
we walked on black sand beaches.
we climbed on volcanic rocks.
we ventured into a lava tube.
we watched the sunrise from beneath the clouds at the top of the island.
we snorkeled in clear blue water off the coast of a volcanic crater.
we saw a dolphins and a sea turtle.
we saw a sky full of stars.
we held each other in the pouring rain.

the beauty and peace we found on this trip was awesome.
(like for real... it inspired awe. seriously.)
it felt like it wasn't truly real... it was almost too perfect and too lovely.
but as unbelievable as it was, it really happened.
and i am so glad it did.

this is the kind of trip you want to re-live over and over.
and even though i desperately want to go back again,
i don't ever want to try to recreate what we shared there,
because i feel like it would spoil the magic of it all.

this trip lined up like the stars... just right.
everything was Perfect.
(and i don't tend to throw that word around a lot.)

our location was just right,
the weather cooperated,
we had everything we needed,
and best of all we got to share it with each other.
and that might have been what made the trip as beautiful as it was.
i couldn't have imagined sharing that experience with anyone else.
we were on the same page the whole time.
there was no stress.
no rushing.
no arguing.
we both had things that we wanted to do,
and we wanted to do them with each other.

i'll post more pictures soon,
but here are just a few.
i hope you enjoy them,
because i certainly did.
(and Domo did too. :D)
♡

i can hardly believe it's over...

so, as most of you know, i've been studying for weeks on end.
it's been pretty much non-stop since August 1st.
i've been busting my ass, taking exam after exam,
all in preparation for today.
and now today is over.
and i am done.
i've taken Step 2 and i can finally breathe a sigh of relief.
i won't get my score for several weeks,
but this time i know i tried my best.
i went in as prepared as i could be.
i reviewed as much as i could.
and i showed up... which was the most important part of it all.

it's weird not having anything to do.
(except pack for Maui!!!)
but not having to read or do practice questions is kinda strange.
it's like i'm forgetting something, but i'm not.
because i don't have to do any more practice questions.
and i don't have to read that shitty little Secrets book anymore.
nope.
all done.

until the next exam.
which is a couple of years away, thank GOD!

now, i just have to tan, get a mani-pedi, and pack my bags.
after all this hard work, i finally get the prize.
and i get to share it with my fella.
who showed up for me in the best way.
he's incredible and this trip is going to be amazing.
i can't wait!
:)

in case i have forgotten to mention it...

i've never been so in love in all my life.
i get it now... what people have been talking about.

holy hell... it's amazing!

this guy rocks my world on the daily. ♡

putting myself to the test.

every now and again there comes a time in everyone's life when they are forced to push themselves.
this is one of those times.

i am preparing for yet another Board exam.
these things suck. bad.
it's an all-day affair (8 hours of testing), with limited breaks...
and i am basically being tested on a year's worth of material (if not more).
it is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting.

not only am i completely aware of how it will feel (this is the 2nd Board exam i am taking),
but i have been studying for weeks.
and i am reaching an emotional limit.
my world is super small.
it has been condensed down to a pitiful state of crappy-ness.
it currently consists of 8-12 hours a day on my couch in front of my computer.
when i'm not on the laptop, i'm reading facts and memorizing medications, formulas, and equations.
it sucks.
and i wouldn't wish this on anyone.

the last exam didn't go so well... i was kind of a wreck.
i couldn't eat that day because my stomach was turning.
i didn't sleep right the night before because i knew i wasn't ready.
it was one of the worst days of my life.
and i'm not exaggerating.
(i wish i was.)
so mentally preparing myself for this experience is an ordeal.

i feel better this time around, and i know i am working hard.
really really hard.
it's draining.
and i know this is only temporary,
and i can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel,
but that doesn't always help me in moments when i just want to give up and stop.
even though i know i really can't stop.
because i'm not done learning.

so i have to remember that all of this is just a test.
(literally... i am just studying for a test.)
but it's also a test of will. a test of endurance and strength.
a challenge.
and i seem to be facing it.
i feel like i'm doing good work.
i hope i am anyway.
my amazing boyfriend tells me that i am... and i trust him completely so i believe him.
even though i doubt myself all the time.
but knowing that i am the toughest woman he knows is inspiring.
i like being tough.
(because inside i feel like a little squishy thing.)
his faith in me makes me stronger.
i'm so grateful for it.

thank GOD for him.
he amazes me everyday.
and knowing that he believes in me helps me believe in myself when i don't feel like i can.

so now i'm off to bed.
i put in a good day of work.
i'm going to get some good sleep.
i'm gonna wake up, work out, study my ass off, maybe tan a little, and then see my guy...
who i love more than i've ever loved anyone in my whole life.
i'm pretty lucky. :)

good night and thanks for reading.
xo

pam and jim

watching the episodes leading up to pam and jim becoming pam&jim is making me really squishy.

that is all.

nothing to explain

pure joy = not needing to explain.

there's no need to justify what i say to him,
he just lets me be me.
all the time.
he can see me for who i am all of the time.
no hiding, no judgement.
just grace.
and love.
and warm sincerity.
all of the time.
no need for me to fear that i am feeling too much.
because there isn't too much.
it's all just enough.
because... how can a feeling be wrong?
I Love the Way I'm Feeling.
and i don't need to explain it to him or to you or to me.
it just is.
and i am overjoyed.

lacking motivation

why is it that i need a fire under my ass to get motivated?!
i am sitting here. wasting time. when i should be studying.
instead i am watching inane shows on the telly and facebooking my face off.
i know i will regret the wasted time, but i am up against a wall...
and the wall reads: "i don't wanna!"

i called my people for a pep talk, and it worked for about 5 minutes.
i swear i wonder how i've made it through medical school...
it's some sort of miracle!

anyway, i just wanted to vent and i figured that this might be a good place.
i'm going to try to stop watching Russell Brand and Jonah Hill and start reading about the brain.
ugh... sounds awful.
but i gots to.
it's now or never.
for real.

kthxbai.

it's gonna be different.

this day.
this night.
this moment.

this relationship.

this rotation.
this exam.
this degree.

it's all going to be different.
and i am glad.
because everything leading up to this has been a lesson.
practice.
preparing me for change.
for the newness of it all.
and the newness is glorious.

i have not walked into this blind.
i have seen this change coming for some time.
i anticipated it.
and i welcomed it with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart.

i no longer fear change.
because it has proven itself to be beautiful.
seriously beautiful.

i'm so glad i have walked the path that has led me to this point.
my life is different today.
it has grown and is full of beauty and love and gratitude.

and i am so glad i have someone to share it with.
it makes me super happy.
yay.