amazed. exhausted. lonely. but fulfilled.

my life has been so crazy these past couple of weeks.
recovering from a pediatric illness (stoopid earache).
recovering from the time spent with the boy (stoopid breakup).
and today, recovering from an overnight call at L&D (stoopid schedule).

here i sit. studying, on top of the exhaustion i feel.
all i want to do is lay in bed and eat salty snacks and watch the telly.
but instead i am muscling through... just like i do. when i have so much to do.
i supposed i am a little annoyed with the fact that my to-do list is getting longer and longer as the days go by.
but it will all get done. i'm not too worried.
well... a little worried. cuz that's how i roll.
but mostly, i feel really good about my life.
i can see how my patients react to me and how i am making a difference in their lives.
i can see how like-able i am and how easily i get along with my colleagues.
and most of all, i can see the love and humanity in all that i am doing...
what's better than babies being born?!
and how cool is it that i get to bring new life into the world and share in that joy?!
now i get to see womens' lives being altered by the surgeries i am a part of.

and amongst all this there is the reminder that everything is fragile and can be changed forever without hesitation.
the other day i got to see a friend's life changed forever by a parent dying suddenly, and then i got to watch this person show up for their own life.
then i start to think about my own mom.
and the love she has for me.
and how it never wavers and grows stronger with each passing day.
and how i love that i need her.
and how she has molded me into the woman i am today, for better or for worse.
and then there's my friends.
and how they love me.
and how they remind me that i have no reason to feel alone in all this.
even though i am different from anyone i have ever met.
even though i feel like i am walking this path all alone.
all this, and i know that i am always surrounded by love and i am never alone. never ever.

my ife... amazing. exhausting. lonely. but fulfilling.

i'm just a mammal.

i have so much love to give.
i miss having someone to give it to.
but even more, i miss feeling it in return.
it's at night... when i lay down to go to sleep...
the moment when i'd lay down next to you...
and i would share my day with you,
and you would tell me about yours.
i miss that.
i miss you.
but it's alright.
i know this feeling isn't forever...
i'll be ok. i AM ok.
it just gets hard sometimes.
but it's the moments that it's hard, that i remember that i'm human.
in need of contact... like other humans.
...i'm just a mammal.

my life blows my mind.

i am officially in love... with my life.
i can't believe how lucky i am...
i get to go in to work every morning and shine.
i get to help people.
i get to bring laughter and love into the room.
i get to watch new life come into the world.
i get to experience humanity in all its raw glory.
i get to watch people bleed and be healed.
i get to feel sadness and loss and grow from it.
my life blows my mind.
i am SO glad i signed up for it.

<3.

strange and wonderful.

so i've been feeling good for the past couple of weeks. and given the experience i've had over the last couple of months, it's a welcome change. but at the same time, it feels odd... like i've fallen into someone else's life and this person is happy and fulfilled. it's strange. and wonderful. and i am über grateful for these moments of joy.

i am surrounded by friends. i am meeting new people. i am learning lots of new things. i am about to have countless new adventures. i am growing. and loving. and living.

wish me luck... even though i don't think i need it. cuz i am already stoked on my life. :D

so i am trying to feel powerful... u kno... full of power...

today i want to feel like i have some control over what happens in my life.
even though i know i am kidding myself into thinking i have any control over anything but my actions.
so that is what i will do. i will control my actions today.
i will take care of myself today.
i will work hard today.
and i will know that i did my best today.
that i tried with all my might to be the best Me i can be.

and i do this, not because i want to make anyone proud,
i do this because i know it will make me feel complete. and strong.
and powerful.

so, i'm back

i'm back from the cruise vacation i was supposed to take with you.
i dreamt of you while i was there. it was a bad dream...
not because you were in it, but because it made me feel bad.
but it's ok.

i'm glad i got to go on the trip but there were moments that i wish you were there.
with me.
holding me. giggling with me. loving me.

i still miss you... i wish i could stop the feelings i have.
perhaps i am overwhelmed because i am back. here. in my reality.
but maybe i just still miss you and that is ok too.

from left to right: the girl who takes care of me, and me.