craving...

i'm craving time off...super duper bad.
i'm craving a warm touch... even though i know it isn't too far off.
i'm craving peace of mind, and serenity.
i'm craving confidence and ease.
i'm craving knowledge.
i'm craving stability.
i'm craving rest and sleep.

but most of all, i'm craving you.
the you i have yet to meet.
the you i just let go of.
the you i will see soon.
all of you.

it hurts, but it's OK.

it hurts me SO much to see little kids in pain.
i hate it.
and here i was, thinking that i wanted to go into pediatrics.
pffffft.
no way.
can't do it.
and guess what... that is totally ok.
yup. it's ok.
cuz guess what else.... i didn't really truly want to go into peds anyway.
yup. it's true.
i THOUGHT it was what i wanted.
but after delivering babies and caring for women for 6 weeks, all i wanted was more time in Ob/Gyn.
yup. Ob/Gyn. the ONE THING i KNEW i DIDN'T WANT... yup.
SURPRISE!
and here i thought my HP was all done with surprises for me.
but AGAIN, i was wrong. my HP will never be done surprising me.
i forgot how much i love surprises... it is practically impossible to surprise me.
i'm too wiley for my own good.
i ruin my own surprises all the time.
suprise parties, presents.... ruined... cuz i figure it out or i ask about them incessantly until the bearer of gifts caves.
but not this time!
thanks HP. thanks SO MUCH for letting me see my truth.
for helping me see how much i have to offer.
for showing me what is out there for me and how cool it can be.
so what if i won't be fixing little baby hearts. there are other people out there who won't be so affected by the sadness of it all.
i want to help bring healthy little babies into the world, and help rid women of chronic pain.
yup. it feels like the puzzle piece inside my soul has fallen into place once more.
i wonder how many more pieces are in there that I have yet to see?

amazed. exhausted. lonely. but fulfilled.

my life has been so crazy these past couple of weeks.
recovering from a pediatric illness (stoopid earache).
recovering from the time spent with the boy (stoopid breakup).
and today, recovering from an overnight call at L&D (stoopid schedule).

here i sit. studying, on top of the exhaustion i feel.
all i want to do is lay in bed and eat salty snacks and watch the telly.
but instead i am muscling through... just like i do. when i have so much to do.
i supposed i am a little annoyed with the fact that my to-do list is getting longer and longer as the days go by.
but it will all get done. i'm not too worried.
well... a little worried. cuz that's how i roll.
but mostly, i feel really good about my life.
i can see how my patients react to me and how i am making a difference in their lives.
i can see how like-able i am and how easily i get along with my colleagues.
and most of all, i can see the love and humanity in all that i am doing...
what's better than babies being born?!
and how cool is it that i get to bring new life into the world and share in that joy?!
now i get to see womens' lives being altered by the surgeries i am a part of.

and amongst all this there is the reminder that everything is fragile and can be changed forever without hesitation.
the other day i got to see a friend's life changed forever by a parent dying suddenly, and then i got to watch this person show up for their own life.
then i start to think about my own mom.
and the love she has for me.
and how it never wavers and grows stronger with each passing day.
and how i love that i need her.
and how she has molded me into the woman i am today, for better or for worse.
and then there's my friends.
and how they love me.
and how they remind me that i have no reason to feel alone in all this.
even though i am different from anyone i have ever met.
even though i feel like i am walking this path all alone.
all this, and i know that i am always surrounded by love and i am never alone. never ever.

my ife... amazing. exhausting. lonely. but fulfilling.

i'm just a mammal.

i have so much love to give.
i miss having someone to give it to.
but even more, i miss feeling it in return.
it's at night... when i lay down to go to sleep...
the moment when i'd lay down next to you...
and i would share my day with you,
and you would tell me about yours.
i miss that.
i miss you.
but it's alright.
i know this feeling isn't forever...
i'll be ok. i AM ok.
it just gets hard sometimes.
but it's the moments that it's hard, that i remember that i'm human.
in need of contact... like other humans.
...i'm just a mammal.

my life blows my mind.

i am officially in love... with my life.
i can't believe how lucky i am...
i get to go in to work every morning and shine.
i get to help people.
i get to bring laughter and love into the room.
i get to watch new life come into the world.
i get to experience humanity in all its raw glory.
i get to watch people bleed and be healed.
i get to feel sadness and loss and grow from it.
my life blows my mind.
i am SO glad i signed up for it.

<3.

strange and wonderful.

so i've been feeling good for the past couple of weeks. and given the experience i've had over the last couple of months, it's a welcome change. but at the same time, it feels odd... like i've fallen into someone else's life and this person is happy and fulfilled. it's strange. and wonderful. and i am über grateful for these moments of joy.

i am surrounded by friends. i am meeting new people. i am learning lots of new things. i am about to have countless new adventures. i am growing. and loving. and living.

wish me luck... even though i don't think i need it. cuz i am already stoked on my life. :D

so i am trying to feel powerful... u kno... full of power...

today i want to feel like i have some control over what happens in my life.
even though i know i am kidding myself into thinking i have any control over anything but my actions.
so that is what i will do. i will control my actions today.
i will take care of myself today.
i will work hard today.
and i will know that i did my best today.
that i tried with all my might to be the best Me i can be.

and i do this, not because i want to make anyone proud,
i do this because i know it will make me feel complete. and strong.
and powerful.