i knew it

so, i knew it was over, i think i just had to hear it from you.
and then i had to say it outloud.
It's over.
i guess i'm mooving on.
the strangest part of it all is that i've come to realize that it is not the relationship i miss, it's just you. Yup. and I know you miss me too. it's ok.
our feelings for eachother were never unmatched. we were both floored by our love for each other at the start. it was almost enough... our love.
until it wasn't.
and we both realized that we were never going to feel complete if we stayed together.
it was never right again after that first February.
3 months in and it was pretty wrecked.
sad.
i know this now... only because hindsight is 20/20.
and i'm doing work to move forward and learn from it all.

all this, to say: i think we are both going to be fine. i know it, in fact.
in the meantime, just know that i am here. nearby. very probably thinking of you when you are thinking of me. still somewhat in sync. keeping each other warm from a distance. safe. and never feeling alone.

thank you. and bye for now.

i touched your spleen, little girl!

yesterday i dug around in a girl's insides...
in an attempt to make her better.
i think we did it.
i hope we did, anyway.
regardless, it felt great...
like i was finally solving a problem.
i felt useful, even though all i did was watch the surgeons work their magic...
oh, and i helped close her up a little.

but to me, it wasn't just about the surgery...
i've been able to be there for the family.
i brought them down to the PACU to see their little girl once she was out of surgery...
they were SO grateful.
parents are tough, but super cool.
and i love that they trust us with their babies.

today i brought her a little toy from my happy meal.
she didn't know it was for her, or that it was from me, but her dad did.
he knew i brought it because i was thinking about her.
he was grateful.
it made my heart warm.

soon she will feel better.
it will be easier for her to breathe.
she will never know what we did for her... she will never understand.
but i will know. i'll remember it forever.
i touched her little spleen, and in a way... it touched me too.

... and now for a musical number...

what will this day be like? i wonder....
what will my future be? i wonder...
it could be so exciting... to be out in the world... to be free...
my heart should be wildly rejoicing...
oh, what's the matter with me?

i've always longed for adventure...
to do the things i've never dared...
now here i'm facing adventure, then why am i so scared?

oh i must stop these doubts all these worries...
if i don't i just know i'll turn back.
i must dream of the things i am seeking...
i am seeking the courage i lack.
the courage to serve them with reliance...
face my mistakes without defiance
show them i'm worthy... and while i show them... i'll show ME!

so... let them bring on all their problems,
i'll do better than my best.
i have confidence they'll put me to the test...
but i'll make them see i have confidence in me.

somehow i will impress them...
i will be firm but kind.
and all those children (heaven bless them),
they will look up to me... and mind me.
with each step i am more certain,
everything will turn out fine.
i have confidence the world can all be mine,
they'll have to agree i have confidence in me.

i have confidence in sunshine,
i have confidence in rain,
i have confidence that Spring will come again,
besides which, you see, i have confidence in me.

strength doesn't lie in numbers...
strength doesn't lie in wealth...
strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
when you wake up WAKE UP! it's healthy...

all i trust i leave my heart to...
all i trust becomes my own...
i have confidence in confidence alone....

oh, help.

i have confidence in confidence alone....
besides which, you see, i have confidence in ME!

craving...

i'm craving time off...super duper bad.
i'm craving a warm touch... even though i know it isn't too far off.
i'm craving peace of mind, and serenity.
i'm craving confidence and ease.
i'm craving knowledge.
i'm craving stability.
i'm craving rest and sleep.

but most of all, i'm craving you.
the you i have yet to meet.
the you i just let go of.
the you i will see soon.
all of you.

it hurts, but it's OK.

it hurts me SO much to see little kids in pain.
i hate it.
and here i was, thinking that i wanted to go into pediatrics.
pffffft.
no way.
can't do it.
and guess what... that is totally ok.
yup. it's ok.
cuz guess what else.... i didn't really truly want to go into peds anyway.
yup. it's true.
i THOUGHT it was what i wanted.
but after delivering babies and caring for women for 6 weeks, all i wanted was more time in Ob/Gyn.
yup. Ob/Gyn. the ONE THING i KNEW i DIDN'T WANT... yup.
SURPRISE!
and here i thought my HP was all done with surprises for me.
but AGAIN, i was wrong. my HP will never be done surprising me.
i forgot how much i love surprises... it is practically impossible to surprise me.
i'm too wiley for my own good.
i ruin my own surprises all the time.
suprise parties, presents.... ruined... cuz i figure it out or i ask about them incessantly until the bearer of gifts caves.
but not this time!
thanks HP. thanks SO MUCH for letting me see my truth.
for helping me see how much i have to offer.
for showing me what is out there for me and how cool it can be.
so what if i won't be fixing little baby hearts. there are other people out there who won't be so affected by the sadness of it all.
i want to help bring healthy little babies into the world, and help rid women of chronic pain.
yup. it feels like the puzzle piece inside my soul has fallen into place once more.
i wonder how many more pieces are in there that I have yet to see?

amazed. exhausted. lonely. but fulfilled.

my life has been so crazy these past couple of weeks.
recovering from a pediatric illness (stoopid earache).
recovering from the time spent with the boy (stoopid breakup).
and today, recovering from an overnight call at L&D (stoopid schedule).

here i sit. studying, on top of the exhaustion i feel.
all i want to do is lay in bed and eat salty snacks and watch the telly.
but instead i am muscling through... just like i do. when i have so much to do.
i supposed i am a little annoyed with the fact that my to-do list is getting longer and longer as the days go by.
but it will all get done. i'm not too worried.
well... a little worried. cuz that's how i roll.
but mostly, i feel really good about my life.
i can see how my patients react to me and how i am making a difference in their lives.
i can see how like-able i am and how easily i get along with my colleagues.
and most of all, i can see the love and humanity in all that i am doing...
what's better than babies being born?!
and how cool is it that i get to bring new life into the world and share in that joy?!
now i get to see womens' lives being altered by the surgeries i am a part of.

and amongst all this there is the reminder that everything is fragile and can be changed forever without hesitation.
the other day i got to see a friend's life changed forever by a parent dying suddenly, and then i got to watch this person show up for their own life.
then i start to think about my own mom.
and the love she has for me.
and how it never wavers and grows stronger with each passing day.
and how i love that i need her.
and how she has molded me into the woman i am today, for better or for worse.
and then there's my friends.
and how they love me.
and how they remind me that i have no reason to feel alone in all this.
even though i am different from anyone i have ever met.
even though i feel like i am walking this path all alone.
all this, and i know that i am always surrounded by love and i am never alone. never ever.

my ife... amazing. exhausting. lonely. but fulfilling.

i'm just a mammal.

i have so much love to give.
i miss having someone to give it to.
but even more, i miss feeling it in return.
it's at night... when i lay down to go to sleep...
the moment when i'd lay down next to you...
and i would share my day with you,
and you would tell me about yours.
i miss that.
i miss you.
but it's alright.
i know this feeling isn't forever...
i'll be ok. i AM ok.
it just gets hard sometimes.
but it's the moments that it's hard, that i remember that i'm human.
in need of contact... like other humans.
...i'm just a mammal.