putting myself to the test.

every now and again there comes a time in everyone's life when they are forced to push themselves.
this is one of those times.

i am preparing for yet another Board exam.
these things suck. bad.
it's an all-day affair (8 hours of testing), with limited breaks...
and i am basically being tested on a year's worth of material (if not more).
it is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting.

not only am i completely aware of how it will feel (this is the 2nd Board exam i am taking),
but i have been studying for weeks.
and i am reaching an emotional limit.
my world is super small.
it has been condensed down to a pitiful state of crappy-ness.
it currently consists of 8-12 hours a day on my couch in front of my computer.
when i'm not on the laptop, i'm reading facts and memorizing medications, formulas, and equations.
it sucks.
and i wouldn't wish this on anyone.

the last exam didn't go so well... i was kind of a wreck.
i couldn't eat that day because my stomach was turning.
i didn't sleep right the night before because i knew i wasn't ready.
it was one of the worst days of my life.
and i'm not exaggerating.
(i wish i was.)
so mentally preparing myself for this experience is an ordeal.

i feel better this time around, and i know i am working hard.
really really hard.
it's draining.
and i know this is only temporary,
and i can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel,
but that doesn't always help me in moments when i just want to give up and stop.
even though i know i really can't stop.
because i'm not done learning.

so i have to remember that all of this is just a test.
(literally... i am just studying for a test.)
but it's also a test of will. a test of endurance and strength.
a challenge.
and i seem to be facing it.
i feel like i'm doing good work.
i hope i am anyway.
my amazing boyfriend tells me that i am... and i trust him completely so i believe him.
even though i doubt myself all the time.
but knowing that i am the toughest woman he knows is inspiring.
i like being tough.
(because inside i feel like a little squishy thing.)
his faith in me makes me stronger.
i'm so grateful for it.

thank GOD for him.
he amazes me everyday.
and knowing that he believes in me helps me believe in myself when i don't feel like i can.

so now i'm off to bed.
i put in a good day of work.
i'm going to get some good sleep.
i'm gonna wake up, work out, study my ass off, maybe tan a little, and then see my guy...
who i love more than i've ever loved anyone in my whole life.
i'm pretty lucky. :)

good night and thanks for reading.
xo

pam and jim

watching the episodes leading up to pam and jim becoming pam&jim is making me really squishy.

that is all.

nothing to explain

pure joy = not needing to explain.

there's no need to justify what i say to him,
he just lets me be me.
all the time.
he can see me for who i am all of the time.
no hiding, no judgement.
just grace.
and love.
and warm sincerity.
all of the time.
no need for me to fear that i am feeling too much.
because there isn't too much.
it's all just enough.
because... how can a feeling be wrong?
I Love the Way I'm Feeling.
and i don't need to explain it to him or to you or to me.
it just is.
and i am overjoyed.

lacking motivation

why is it that i need a fire under my ass to get motivated?!
i am sitting here. wasting time. when i should be studying.
instead i am watching inane shows on the telly and facebooking my face off.
i know i will regret the wasted time, but i am up against a wall...
and the wall reads: "i don't wanna!"

i called my people for a pep talk, and it worked for about 5 minutes.
i swear i wonder how i've made it through medical school...
it's some sort of miracle!

anyway, i just wanted to vent and i figured that this might be a good place.
i'm going to try to stop watching Russell Brand and Jonah Hill and start reading about the brain.
ugh... sounds awful.
but i gots to.
it's now or never.
for real.

kthxbai.

it's gonna be different.

this day.
this night.
this moment.

this relationship.

this rotation.
this exam.
this degree.

it's all going to be different.
and i am glad.
because everything leading up to this has been a lesson.
practice.
preparing me for change.
for the newness of it all.
and the newness is glorious.

i have not walked into this blind.
i have seen this change coming for some time.
i anticipated it.
and i welcomed it with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart.

i no longer fear change.
because it has proven itself to be beautiful.
seriously beautiful.

i'm so glad i have walked the path that has led me to this point.
my life is different today.
it has grown and is full of beauty and love and gratitude.

and i am so glad i have someone to share it with.
it makes me super happy.
yay.

our little hearts

so i can barely believe that my life is this full of love.
it's so much love, that i feel like my little heart is going to explode.
in a good way.

my friends are super supportive and make time to see me,
even though my schedule is complete shit.
my mom is incredible and she is always there for me...
no matter what.
and then there is my fella.
who never makes me feel like i'm doing it wrong.
he lets me feel my feelings, even when they are ridiculous.
he is showing me love in a way i have never known.
he comforts me. he soothes me. and he supports me in everything i do.
he is perfect. and i can't believe how important we are to each other.
it's the most beautiful relationship i have ever had the privilege to share.
and i don't know if anything will ever hold a candle to this. ever.
the level of understanding we have for each other is lovely.
and our respect for each other is amazing.
the way he looks into my eyes... sometimes i swear he is looking right at my soul.

i know it's still early, and while i'm truly enjoying every moment we get to share with each other,
it takes effort, at times, to stay in the moment.
with him.
given that i feel the way i feel.
but if i know anything for sure, it is that our respective HPs have a lot of love for us.
because they have given us to each other in the most remarkable way.
and we are lucky to have stumbled into each other.
i am so grateful!!!
i feel like i am being given a gift everyday...
i hope i make him feel the same way.
because his little heart is beautiful.
and it should feel like it is about to explode too.
in a good way.
from the love.
yeah.

just remember this:

as i lay my head down on my pillow to go to sleep tonight...
i am thinking about shit i have no business thinking about.
which is DEFINITELY NOT the way to go.

i am losing my grip on reality.
and it sucks.

so for now,
i think i need to remember that i am awesome
and that the past has nothing to do with me
and my present and future are all that matters.

because the past will not change.
and i have everything i want and/or need.
and i will not be comforted with the knowledge of what has been.
because i really don't want to know.

so if i can remember anything in this moment...
it's this:
mind your own business, Carla.
everything else has nothing to do with you.
leave it alone.
and go to sleep.
you need the rest.
clearly.