blown away.

So, I am totally blown away by my life.
The last time I posted I was devastated and heartbroken.
I feared I would die a cold, lonely death.
My friends swept in an held me until I was able to hold myself.
They cradled me and loved me and reminded me that I am not alone, no matter what.
In the midst of that, a friend opened his heart to me, and I opened mine in return...
and I am now more in love than I have ever been in my whole life.
I swear I didn't see this coming.
How could I?
I was completely invested in my last relationship
As I usually do, I gave it my all - even though he never gave it his... because he couldn't... or wouldn't.
And now I am being given the things I have craved all along.
Safety, warmth, love, care, kindness, tenderness, acceptance, intimacy, and true commitment.
He loves me completely.
And even though it kind of terrifies me, I love him equally in return.
He has my whole heart.
I would do anything for him.
And the amazing thing is... I know he would do anything for me.
I am madly and truly in love.
I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.
And he amazingly feels the same way.
He looks into my eyes, and I swear he is looking at my soul.
The moment he kissed me for the first time, I felt my entire future open up in front of me.
And it is beautiful and amazing.
I feel like I'm home when I'm with him.
I feel warm, safe, protected, loved, and at peace.
It is the most profound feeling I have ever known.
It is calm and safe and warm
It is truly a beautiful thing.
And I intend on feeling this for as long as humanly possible.
He may be The One. My one. And I may be His.
Here we go, life.
Bring it.

ugh

it's ironic that my last post was on valentine's day.
since my heart is now broken and our relationship is over.

i never thought i could be this sad.
not to mention, shocked.
my heart honestly feels like it is breaking, and i can only hope it is breaking open.

we were doing great.
i was falling more in love with him every day.
and then it was over.
so fast it took me a couple of days to really take it in.
for the 3 days after, i would wake up every morning and realize i was not waking up from a bad dream, and my heart would break all over again.

the only short explanation is that we want different things,
or perhaps the timing is off in our own respective timelines so that we will never be in the same place at the same time.

i would have done anything for him, if he would have let me.
but he couldn't.
because then we wouldn't be equal partners in this relationship.

and the part that hurts the most, is that he's right.
not to mention that i feel he couldn't or wouldn't try harder for me or for himself.
that he didn't love me enough to want to make this work.
and that is on him. and will continue to be on him until he decides what is truly important to him.

the fact of the matter is,
i have been slowly chipping away at the parts of myself that make me the woman i am.
the part of me that wants to be taken care of.
and to build a life with someone who i can trust to do their part.
i was willing to shift the pieces of my life so that they fit into his.
because i loved him enough to be with him in any way that i could.
but that is not ok. and now that it is on the page in front of me i can see how wrong it truly was of me to do that.

it wasn't that i was making myself smaller, because that is not the case.
i definitely had a voice and was heard in this relationship.
i felt honored.
and when i was hurt or disappointed i would say something and he would react positively.
i was more of a woman in this relationship than i have ever been.
and i am proud of that.
but i was getting tired of always having to ask to be taken care of.
it made things hard and more work than they needed to be.
the part of the valentine's day story i left out is that i had been asking for flowers for months by the time i got those roses on v-day.
i was teaching him how to treat me like a woman.
when i should have been treated to that from the start.

that may be why this has happened.
because he knows what i want and deserve, and he knows he can't do it.
even though i am now beginning to find that infuriating.
he knew where i stood and knew he couldn't meet me there when the time would come that he should.

i don't know.
maybe me trying to reason this through is my way of processing this breakup,
and the fact that we are not getting back together.

it's hard to understand how this could be real.

but it is real.
and my pain is real.
and it hurts.
and it will hurt.
every day.
until one day it doesn't.
i desperately wish there was something wrong between us.
that we were having problems or fighting or that we simply didn't like or love each other any more.
it would feel like it made so much more sense.
but that is not the case. and now that i think about it, me trying to understand why this has happened is helping me see that it actually makes a lot of sense.

my fear is that i will lose him completely.
i sincerely hope that we are both friends when we get to the other side of this.
because right now i can't imagine not having him in my life in some real way.
losing my friend is what i was afraid of when we began this journey together.
and i would hate to realize my dream when there is still so much love between us.

time will tell.
and as much as i hate to think it, space will help too. i only hope that we can be around each other without one of us (me) breaking down.
i have a shitty poker face, and have never been good about hiding my feelings.
as he says, let's see what happens.

♥ V-Day, 2012 ♥

this morning, i woke up to a surprise visit from Erek.
he burst into my room with a vase of pink roses,
a bowl full of chocolate deliciousness,
a little red book with an inscription that almost made me cry it was so beautiful,
and some presents (3 tokidoki unicorns that are AWESOME!).

i can barely believe he did it.
it was awesome.
i feel So loved and So appreciated!

i have a tiny fear of romance, even though i crave it desperately.
and as usual, he did it perfectly.
i can't stop smiling.
my heart is overflowing with the love i feel for him.

i know its silly, but Valentine's Day is kind of a big deal.
i like to celebrate things (even though i have a fear getting too invested in the celebration).
little parties are awesome.
and V-Day is an excuse to take a day to celebrate our love for each other.
and if anyone's love is gonna be celebrated,
it should definitely be ours.
because it's rad.
i am constantly reminded of how awesome we are!
we are genuinely mad about each other.
we are our truest selves around each other.
and i know this kind of love is not an every day kind of occurrence.
so it should be honored.
and celebrated.
and today, we are throwing it a little party.
and it's really exciting.
and it makes me really happy.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

calming myself.

so the past week has been intense.
for a variety of reasons.

when i am overwhelmed,
my emotional process can go one of two ways:
amplification or compartmentalization.
this past week has been a mixture of the two,
with EJ taking the brunt of the amp'd bit.

basically, i am fretting about my future.
all of it.
residency, the match, my friendships, my relationships, my family, the list goes on and on.
i have also been drowning in a sea of tasks.
my school work has piled up regardless of my work ethic.
and i have taken on responsibilities that have been hard to manage in a sane way.

now that i have time to come up for air,
i realize that my faith has been faltering.
i am caught in a strange place -
i know i need to do the foot-work to realize my wants/desires/dreams,
but i also know i am powerless when it comes to the final result.
so i fret.
and i worry.
and i cry.
and i try to control the one area of my life that seems the most manageable.
and it blows up in my face.

what i concluded after the past week of semi-agony,
is that i need to calm down and let go.
and while i knew this all along,
it took a while for me to feel it (as opposed to just knowing it).

the visual i created for myself around all of this is pretty awesome,
so i am going to share it.

in my mind,
i imagine i am walking to the edge of a cliff,
high above the clouds.
it reminds me of Haleakala.
it's beautiful, peaceful, and cool.
i look over the edge of the cliff,
and i see clouds below.
i'm too high up to see the ground,
but i know it is there.
and that it will break my fall,
and that i will be safe.

i basically feel like i have taken a risk, chosen to hold on to my partner's hand and jumped.
i don't know what is going to happen between the jumping-off point and the ground,
but i know that it is none of my business.
anything could happen:
we could lose our grip on each other, and land safely apart,
ending up in completely different places.
or we may land together, having never let go.
or we may face a huge storm or gusts of wind on our way down,
only to have been brought closer together because of our combined struggle.
i don't know.
but i DO know that i am less scared today than i was yesterday.
and i am in more faith today than i was yesterday.
and i have never stopped believing that i am going to be ok, no matter what.
and for all of this, i am grateful.

i'm gonna enjoy.

hey there.

so i've been on vacation for the past 10 days.
and i am still not sick of being on vacation.

i still have over 3 weeks left, and i'm sure that i'll be ready for life again by then...
but for now, i am reveling in the lack of things to do,
and the endless supply of inane things to watch on teevee.
netflix and cable are bringing me joy and i am not ashamed to admit it.

this is pretty much the last time i am going to enjoy this kind of freedom from responsibiltiy.
probably ever.
i haven't enjoyed a break this long in over 3 years,
and it is unlikely i will enjoy it again.

so i am not going to judge myself for sleeping in until noon everyday.
and i am not going to shame myself for eating a bowl of cereal twice a day.
i am going to enjoy it.
and love it.
because after this i may not be able to say, "i don't have anything to do today."
and i don't want to waste this time thinking i should be doing something.
when there is truly nothing to be done.
for real.
and that is wonderful.

a run-in with the past

it's amazing, the clarity you get with time and distance.
tonight i saw someone i haven't seen in about a year.
(it's been a really good year.)
and i'm glad i had space from him and his way of being.
he has not changed a bit,
even though he claims to have grown up "a lot"...
but objectivism has never been his strong point,
especially since he runs on self.
and maybe i'm just as confused as he is when i think i've changed too...
except i have been told that i am indeed different than i was when we were together.

i have grown into myself over the past couple of years and i have a lot to be grateful for.
and being around him reminded me of my immense gratitude for the life i have today.
i am honest and true to myself in every area possible.
i have love and laughter in my life.
i have a sense of purpose and an outlet for my passion.
i'm living wholly and truly.
and while i suppose my past has led me to my present,
i have a tiny twinge of regret when i think about the time i spent with him.
i know it was real in the moment,
but if reality is so malleable,
then what's to say my life today is any more real?
or any less real.
(deep. whoa.)

anyway, i guess i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that
the chapter of my life with him in it has been over for some time.
and i couldn't be happier about it.
if our paths cross again, it won't ruin my day or anything like that,
but it isn't necessary.
and it would be fine if it didn't happen again.

it's kinda like a town that you have visited on more than one occasion,
thinking it will be better the next time.
and it never is.
it's like that.
only with a dude, instead of a town.
yeah.

it's time.

so i have been putting this part off for some time,
but it has become evident that the time has come to deal.
i want what i want, and i want it to be mine.
so the time has come to line all the ducks up and knock 'em down one at a time.

i've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking with people in my field.
people who know what i'm about to embark on.
and they all have opinions.
and suggestions.
and algorithms.
but i need to find the one that fits me (which is not an easy task).
because sincerity outshines overcompensation... every time.
and i want to do things because of their underlying purpose,
not to fill up space on my CV.

i want to shine the way i know i can shine.
and lately i've been feeling rusty and dull.
which is only my perception, i know, but it Feels real.

anyway, i guess all i am saying is:
now i know what i need to do to get what i want.
and i think i am ready to do it.
all of it.
because i am staying in LA for residency.
period.
and i am going to be happy.
for real.
and i will not cry on Match Day.
no way.
because i will know what is coming before it happens.
i will know in my gut... the place inside me i have learned to trust.
i will know it with every fiber of my being that i am on the right path.
because that feeling hasn't failed me yet.