it's time.

so i have been putting this part off for some time,
but it has become evident that the time has come to deal.
i want what i want, and i want it to be mine.
so the time has come to line all the ducks up and knock 'em down one at a time.

i've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking with people in my field.
people who know what i'm about to embark on.
and they all have opinions.
and suggestions.
and algorithms.
but i need to find the one that fits me (which is not an easy task).
because sincerity outshines overcompensation... every time.
and i want to do things because of their underlying purpose,
not to fill up space on my CV.

i want to shine the way i know i can shine.
and lately i've been feeling rusty and dull.
which is only my perception, i know, but it Feels real.

anyway, i guess all i am saying is:
now i know what i need to do to get what i want.
and i think i am ready to do it.
all of it.
because i am staying in LA for residency.
period.
and i am going to be happy.
for real.
and i will not cry on Match Day.
no way.
because i will know what is coming before it happens.
i will know in my gut... the place inside me i have learned to trust.
i will know it with every fiber of my being that i am on the right path.
because that feeling hasn't failed me yet.

enjoying.

so it's been a little over 7 months now, and i am officially more in love than i have ever been in my entire life.
this relationship is so perfect that i find myself questioning it and worrying about it a ton.
i feel like i'm gonna break it or something, even though it is far too awesome for little me to be able break it.
but still. i worry.
i'm constantly checking in with him to make sure he feels as good as i do.
and guess what... he does.

i have never been this happy with anyone. not ever.
he understands me.
he supports me.
he encourages me to be me... even when i'm being retarded and crazy.
he always makes me feel safe.
he tells me he loves me and i know he means it.
we are totally doing this relationship thing!
and i think we're doing it well.

as the days continue to pass us by,
i hope i can stay in the moment more...
so that i can enjoy where we are with each other.
because before i know it, this part of the relationship will be behind us.
and we will have spent our lives together.
and i'll wish i had this time to revel in the love we have for each other.
and the way it's growing everyday.
because this part only happens once.
and i don't want to miss it because i was too busy thinking about tomorrow and not about today.

in love with love

so i just left my friend,
who i was lucky enough to have ALL to my self tonight,
and we are both blissfully happy.
which makes me blissfully happy.
because everyone deserves to feel the way i feel on the daily.
and if any one person deserves it more than everyone else,
it's her.

she is wonderful, kind, and full of love and warmth,
and i am SO glad she has love in her life.
because she has been super happy for me over the past few months,
and even though she has been wanting the same thing for herself,
she never made me feel as though she was jealous or resentful of my joy.
she was supportive.
and loving.
and sincerely happy for me.
and now i get to return the favor.
which makes me ecstatic.

life is good.
i've missed her.
and i'm glad we got to share our love with each other.
because love is awesome.
i ♡ love!

loneliness

so i dropped EJ off at the station earlier tonight,
and as i was on my way home, all by my lonesome,
i was struck with a terrible loneliness.
a sadness.
a feeling i haven't had in a long, long time.

i realized that i am kinda sorta having a hard time.
i miss my girlfriends.
a ton.
i miss having girls around me who love me and support me.
i miss relating to them and listening to their experiences.
i miss the mutuality.

the girls that are left, the ones who haven't moved away,
don't include me in the things they do.
i'm not one of them, i guess.
i don't know.
maybe they just don't like me.
maybe they think i don't like them.
all i know is that first CL moved and now KD,
and i am just starting to feel a wee bit unsteady.

maybe i am too hard on people and i don't give them enough of a chance?
maybe i am just not easy to get along with?
maybe i just don't fit in. again.
whatever it is, i just wish it was easier for me to make friends.

as it is, i already feel like my life is compartmentalized.
my school life is separate from my fellowship time...
so i already feel like i am drifting from one place to the other with little-to-no crossover in between...
which makes the absence of the women in my life all the more pronounced.
they were all i had holding me together outside of the stress of school.
and now the numbers are dwindling and i am starting to feel alone.

and while i am totally grateful to have enough time in my life to actually miss being around my friends,
and while i am super stoked that i get to study with my school bestie (i've missed her too),
i still wish i had my friends back.
because i don't think i should feel this alone.
i feel like i am more like-able than this.
maybe i'm not?

i guess i'll just have to try harder.
even though i wish i didn't have to try at all.

wondering if i'm ruining

so, i've been told time and time again that i think too much.
and that i worry too much.
and so on.

but do i?
do i, really??

probably.

for the past few days i've been in the throws of a smothering.
i am officially smothering my relationship.
and i wish i could stop.
but i'm stuck.
because i need his help.

and even though i totally realize that if the tables were turned,
i wouldn't hesitate to help him the way he is helping me,
i can't help but feel like every night we spend together
is just one step closer to killing the spark that remains in our relationship.

i hear him tell me it's fine.
i hear him when he says everything is ok between us.
i hear him.
but inside me something is screaming,
"leave! go sleep in your car! go anywhere else! you're ruining it!!"
my mind is clearly a jerk.
and i clearly have trust issues.
but all that being said,
i wish i could quiet the feeling inside me that is telling me that with each passing night
he is falling just a little more out of love with me.

which is more than likely not true.
so the real question becomes...
why do i choose to believe the worst things my brain tell me?
instead of choosing to believe the man who loves me?
i wonder.

♥ Maui ♥

a few days ago i returned from the most amazing trip i have ever taken in my whole entire life.
i went to Maui with Erek and it is hard to describe how incredible it was.
i feel as though words can't do it justice.
we shared experiences that i am certain were one of a kind,
and for lack of a better (and less cheesy) way of saying it,
it was Magical.

we swam in waterfalls.
we hiked through rain forests.
we drank sugar cane juice and ate coconuts.
we walked on black sand beaches.
we climbed on volcanic rocks.
we ventured into a lava tube.
we watched the sunrise from beneath the clouds at the top of the island.
we snorkeled in clear blue water off the coast of a volcanic crater.
we saw a dolphins and a sea turtle.
we saw a sky full of stars.
we held each other in the pouring rain.

the beauty and peace we found on this trip was awesome.
(like for real... it inspired awe. seriously.)
it felt like it wasn't truly real... it was almost too perfect and too lovely.
but as unbelievable as it was, it really happened.
and i am so glad it did.

this is the kind of trip you want to re-live over and over.
and even though i desperately want to go back again,
i don't ever want to try to recreate what we shared there,
because i feel like it would spoil the magic of it all.

this trip lined up like the stars... just right.
everything was Perfect.
(and i don't tend to throw that word around a lot.)

our location was just right,
the weather cooperated,
we had everything we needed,
and best of all we got to share it with each other.
and that might have been what made the trip as beautiful as it was.
i couldn't have imagined sharing that experience with anyone else.
we were on the same page the whole time.
there was no stress.
no rushing.
no arguing.
we both had things that we wanted to do,
and we wanted to do them with each other.

i'll post more pictures soon,
but here are just a few.
i hope you enjoy them,
because i certainly did.
(and Domo did too. :D)
♡

i can hardly believe it's over...

so, as most of you know, i've been studying for weeks on end.
it's been pretty much non-stop since August 1st.
i've been busting my ass, taking exam after exam,
all in preparation for today.
and now today is over.
and i am done.
i've taken Step 2 and i can finally breathe a sigh of relief.
i won't get my score for several weeks,
but this time i know i tried my best.
i went in as prepared as i could be.
i reviewed as much as i could.
and i showed up... which was the most important part of it all.

it's weird not having anything to do.
(except pack for Maui!!!)
but not having to read or do practice questions is kinda strange.
it's like i'm forgetting something, but i'm not.
because i don't have to do any more practice questions.
and i don't have to read that shitty little Secrets book anymore.
nope.
all done.

until the next exam.
which is a couple of years away, thank GOD!

now, i just have to tan, get a mani-pedi, and pack my bags.
after all this hard work, i finally get the prize.
and i get to share it with my fella.
who showed up for me in the best way.
he's incredible and this trip is going to be amazing.
i can't wait!
:)