almost ready (aka: THE Metamorphosis)

i've been walking through my life for the past few weeks trying to 'manage' my feelings....
i think that's the best way to describe it...
whatever it is, it's bullshit.

i'm SUPER uncomfortable, and nowadays all that happens when i'm this uncomfortable is i act out in silly ways...
i smoke cigarettes & drink energy drinks... i stay up super late... i swallow my gum (yes... gum... i know it's disgusting)...
and at the end of the day it's always the same, no matter how awesome my night was:
i sit in bed.
i turn on the telly to drown out my feeling.
i try to wind down.
i recall my day.
i put my head to my pillow.
i say a little prayer.
and i pass out.

well, this just isn't good enough anymore.
this is old. and it has nearly run its course.
and i don't feel whole right now...
because i am not giving attention to the areas of my life that need work.

and while i LOVE my life today (NO JOKE... IT IS THE SHIT!!)
i still realize that something huge is going on in my soul and there is a big shift coming.
mostly in the area of love.

i have been carrying around this sickness for years.
it feels like a combination of guilt, remorse, sorrow, anger, hatred, and hurt.
it basically sucks.
and it is destined to continue unless i do something to put an end to it.
and i feel that i am.
slowly, but surely.

but what i am coming to realize is...
slowly isn't working anymore...
and the universe is lighting a fire under my ass every week as i am haunted by the physical presence of the inciting factor.
him.
MAN!!!!... he suuuuucks!!!! ugh.
and i can feel him wanting to engage with me.
and i will not do it right now. period.
some 'stuff' needs to happen before i can walk into that fire without getting burned.
or without causing more harm than good.

right now i need to feel safe. protected. and i need to work out the poison in my heart.
and once i am done with it, and i have buried it, i will come out a new me.

right now i have accepted that i am in the middle of my process. my metamorphosis.
and even though I have not woken up to find myself on my back with more legs than i had when i went to sleep,
it's still a huge change. it feels like it touches all levels:
emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.
i truly believe i will come out of this place feeling and looking different.
a new me.
the me i have been striving to be. longing to be.
this is a time of acceptance. and forgiveness.
and self-love.
and of letting go of the things that are no longer serving me.

so basically, i am getting to my breaking point.
i am done feeling all this retarded bullshit.
i am ready to invite healing into my heart.
so that i can love and be loved in a true and honest way.
no more regret. no more bullshit.
no more anger.
just me.
and my heart.
letting u in.
unconditionally.
that's what i want.
and hopefully, when we meet, it will be what you want too... whoever you are.
(i'm almost ready... )