perfect.

everything happens for a reason.
and it's amazing.

i forget that this is my reality.

in my life, everything is as it should be.
completely incomplete...
but just enough... no more, no less.

i'm not ready.
and my HP knows it.

so i am presented with this.
and this is perfect.

it is safe.
and warm.
and sincere in its kindness and grace.

but it is not for me.
not right now.
it is unavailable and just out of reach.
perfect.

just as i sit here, feeling as i do...
not quite put back together yet...
I feel perfectly imperfect.

cracked, but not broken.
alone, but not lonely.
lovable, but not truly loved.

it's bittersweet, but it is seriously perfect.

my life blows my mind all the time.
today is just another day that i am reminded how great it is to be me.
just me.
nothing more.

and all i need is within me.
and that is a beautiful thing.

it's funny...

... how quickly things can change.
i can go from totally excited to kinda 'meh' in 3 seconds flat.
i felt special and noticed... and then i didn't.
i felt ordinary again. Boom. just like that.

it's no big deal, it is what it is,
but I definitely felt better when I was excited.
oh well, let's just see what happens.
whatever does happen, it will certainly be something different than this...
the thing that is happening right now.
besides, there are many things to be done this week,
and that was only one.

tomorrow is a new day. full of new stuff.
and it will be good to start a new day.
clean slate.
all the while, remembering how funny it is...
when things change.

helping

i feel good when i feel useful.
when i help.

today, i dragged myself out of bed.
on 6 hours of sleep... which is not enough for me.
and i got dressed up in my doctor-clothes.
and i drove out to Lennox.

the people were lined up outside and welcomed me in with smiles...
... they knew i was there to help... i was wearing my white coat and stethy was around my neck.

i felt useful right away.

i sat in a room full of white-coats,
and one by one we were called upon to help.

i helped people who were afraid to get their blood drawn.
i talked to families and answered their health-related questions.
little kids were my patients... i felt competent and useful.

all because i dragged myself out of bed and drove to Lennox.
i feel SO good. because i helped.

i hope i remember this the next time i get asked to drive out to Lennox to help.

thanks, but no thanks.

hello, little voice inside my head.
please stop confusing me.
no means no.

regardless of how great i think i would be as a Pediatrician,
i cannot....
i will not.....
i REFUSE to subject myself to that much pain and discomfort on the daily.
nope.
not gonna happen.

and yes, i love the shit outta some kids.
and yeah, they mostly love me.
and the parents seem to think i am pretty neat.
but all that being said, i should not...
i cannot...
i will not....
i REFUSE to leave work crying.
and i am not going to be the person who dreads waking up in the morning because it means i have to go to work.

no thanks. not gonna happen.

so thank you, medical school, for exposing me to the field of Pediatrics.
and thank you HUCLA, for showing me the reality of childhood illness.
and thank you, everyone who saw me in action, for letting me be me.
i wish i was stronger and capable of detaching myself from my feelings.
but as it turns out, i am just not built that way.
and that is ok.

so farewell, my dream of becoming the world's greatest Pediatrician.
thanks, but no thanks.

... and hello Ob/Gyn... it looks like we're in it for the long haul...
and i'm in it to win it.

this is gonna be an amazing journey.
i hope it lands me close to home.

oh that hoodie

how i hate it.
but i can't seem to throw it away.
i'm the worst pack-rat ever.
but seriously... what made you think that i would love it?
it is such a small thing...
but...
i think that the moment i saw it was the moment i realized we might be over.
i felt so misunderstood.

it is the hoodie of misunderstanding.
i kinda feel bad for it.

it is so sad.

that is probably why i can't throw it away... who could reject something that is already so sad?

so it will sit there.
in that clothes pile.
for a little longer.
until it isn't as sad.
until it has regained some dignity.

and then i will kill it with fire.

i knew it

so, i knew it was over, i think i just had to hear it from you.
and then i had to say it outloud.
It's over.
i guess i'm mooving on.
the strangest part of it all is that i've come to realize that it is not the relationship i miss, it's just you. Yup. and I know you miss me too. it's ok.
our feelings for eachother were never unmatched. we were both floored by our love for each other at the start. it was almost enough... our love.
until it wasn't.
and we both realized that we were never going to feel complete if we stayed together.
it was never right again after that first February.
3 months in and it was pretty wrecked.
sad.
i know this now... only because hindsight is 20/20.
and i'm doing work to move forward and learn from it all.

all this, to say: i think we are both going to be fine. i know it, in fact.
in the meantime, just know that i am here. nearby. very probably thinking of you when you are thinking of me. still somewhat in sync. keeping each other warm from a distance. safe. and never feeling alone.

thank you. and bye for now.

i touched your spleen, little girl!

yesterday i dug around in a girl's insides...
in an attempt to make her better.
i think we did it.
i hope we did, anyway.
regardless, it felt great...
like i was finally solving a problem.
i felt useful, even though all i did was watch the surgeons work their magic...
oh, and i helped close her up a little.

but to me, it wasn't just about the surgery...
i've been able to be there for the family.
i brought them down to the PACU to see their little girl once she was out of surgery...
they were SO grateful.
parents are tough, but super cool.
and i love that they trust us with their babies.

today i brought her a little toy from my happy meal.
she didn't know it was for her, or that it was from me, but her dad did.
he knew i brought it because i was thinking about her.
he was grateful.
it made my heart warm.

soon she will feel better.
it will be easier for her to breathe.
she will never know what we did for her... she will never understand.
but i will know. i'll remember it forever.
i touched her little spleen, and in a way... it touched me too.