hey, mister!... i totally touched your jugular!

so here i was...
all up in this guy's neck.
for realz.
no exaggeration.
all the way down to the bone.
tearing the cancer out of his face....
...ever-so-gently.

and all i could think was...
that is TOTALLY his jugular vein...
and i NEED to touch it.

so i did.

i caressed it gently...
cuz what other way is there to touch a guy's jugular?

and all i can think now is...
i am probably gonna be one of the only people in the world to EVER touch his jugular vein.

i am officially rad.

my life is amazing and i need to STFU whenever i think of all the stuff in my life that irritates me....
because when it comes down to it, my life blows most peoples' lives out of the water.
boom.
i win.

and i'm über grateful for all of it.

(thank you, HP)

quit it!

just quit it, ok?
i need to have my own thing here...
and i keep seeing your face.
granted, it's getting easier...
i don't miss you as much today.
in fact, i hardly miss you at all at the moment.
what a relief!
and now i'm getting fed up with your presence.
meah!
i'm really glad we are friendly towards one another.
it does bring joy to my heart.
but don't confuse my niceness for necessity.
i'm moving on. i have to.
and if only you knew what my heart wanted...
you might not be so nice.

but whatever the case may be,
we are both here to stay.
and i wouldn't want anything to wreck what we had & now have.
so i will continue to sincerely smile at you with my eyes.
and you will continue to crash my meetings.
and we will all get along just fine.

perfect.

everything happens for a reason.
and it's amazing.

i forget that this is my reality.

in my life, everything is as it should be.
completely incomplete...
but just enough... no more, no less.

i'm not ready.
and my HP knows it.

so i am presented with this.
and this is perfect.

it is safe.
and warm.
and sincere in its kindness and grace.

but it is not for me.
not right now.
it is unavailable and just out of reach.
perfect.

just as i sit here, feeling as i do...
not quite put back together yet...
I feel perfectly imperfect.

cracked, but not broken.
alone, but not lonely.
lovable, but not truly loved.

it's bittersweet, but it is seriously perfect.

my life blows my mind all the time.
today is just another day that i am reminded how great it is to be me.
just me.
nothing more.

and all i need is within me.
and that is a beautiful thing.

it's funny...

... how quickly things can change.
i can go from totally excited to kinda 'meh' in 3 seconds flat.
i felt special and noticed... and then i didn't.
i felt ordinary again. Boom. just like that.

it's no big deal, it is what it is,
but I definitely felt better when I was excited.
oh well, let's just see what happens.
whatever does happen, it will certainly be something different than this...
the thing that is happening right now.
besides, there are many things to be done this week,
and that was only one.

tomorrow is a new day. full of new stuff.
and it will be good to start a new day.
clean slate.
all the while, remembering how funny it is...
when things change.

helping

i feel good when i feel useful.
when i help.

today, i dragged myself out of bed.
on 6 hours of sleep... which is not enough for me.
and i got dressed up in my doctor-clothes.
and i drove out to Lennox.

the people were lined up outside and welcomed me in with smiles...
... they knew i was there to help... i was wearing my white coat and stethy was around my neck.

i felt useful right away.

i sat in a room full of white-coats,
and one by one we were called upon to help.

i helped people who were afraid to get their blood drawn.
i talked to families and answered their health-related questions.
little kids were my patients... i felt competent and useful.

all because i dragged myself out of bed and drove to Lennox.
i feel SO good. because i helped.

i hope i remember this the next time i get asked to drive out to Lennox to help.

thanks, but no thanks.

hello, little voice inside my head.
please stop confusing me.
no means no.

regardless of how great i think i would be as a Pediatrician,
i cannot....
i will not.....
i REFUSE to subject myself to that much pain and discomfort on the daily.
nope.
not gonna happen.

and yes, i love the shit outta some kids.
and yeah, they mostly love me.
and the parents seem to think i am pretty neat.
but all that being said, i should not...
i cannot...
i will not....
i REFUSE to leave work crying.
and i am not going to be the person who dreads waking up in the morning because it means i have to go to work.

no thanks. not gonna happen.

so thank you, medical school, for exposing me to the field of Pediatrics.
and thank you HUCLA, for showing me the reality of childhood illness.
and thank you, everyone who saw me in action, for letting me be me.
i wish i was stronger and capable of detaching myself from my feelings.
but as it turns out, i am just not built that way.
and that is ok.

so farewell, my dream of becoming the world's greatest Pediatrician.
thanks, but no thanks.

... and hello Ob/Gyn... it looks like we're in it for the long haul...
and i'm in it to win it.

this is gonna be an amazing journey.
i hope it lands me close to home.

oh that hoodie

how i hate it.
but i can't seem to throw it away.
i'm the worst pack-rat ever.
but seriously... what made you think that i would love it?
it is such a small thing...
but...
i think that the moment i saw it was the moment i realized we might be over.
i felt so misunderstood.

it is the hoodie of misunderstanding.
i kinda feel bad for it.

it is so sad.

that is probably why i can't throw it away... who could reject something that is already so sad?

so it will sit there.
in that clothes pile.
for a little longer.
until it isn't as sad.
until it has regained some dignity.

and then i will kill it with fire.