oh my good-ness

so i have come to realize that i am too good.
i love following the rules and living up to expectations.

i am SO good, in fact, that it has made me bad.

i am bad at thinking outside the box.
i kinda suck at not caring about what you think of me.
and worst of all, i shy away from taking risks.

so i go through my day a little timid.
shy, reserved, and afraid.

i don't like it.
not one bit.

so today, i am deciding to stop being quite so good.

i'm gonna take a risk tomorrow.
i am gonna stick my neck out...
and if i get cut, i get cut.
i have a feeling it won't kill me.
and i also think it will make me better and stronger.

so here i go.
good-bye my good-ness.
deuces!

fading

lately i have felt as though i am fading away.
like part of me is disappearing... almost like it is dying.
it is making me feel hopeless and sad.
i feel empty and alone.
i feel tired all the time.
and worse, i feel angry a lot.
which i know is just masking some sort of hurt.
the source of the hurt?
not really sure.
but i think it's a byproduct of the fact that i never know what my day will be like.
or who i will be trying to please that day.
or who will decide its their turn to shit on me that day.
and it probably also has to do with the fact that i have to compartmentalize all my emotions, because good medical students don't cry at work.
whatever.
regardless, i am feeling like a shadow of my former self and it's bumming me out hard.

people ask me all the time how i'm doing.
and i always answer, "fine."
and i truly think that is the most honest answer i can give.

i'm fine.

not good.
not bad.
but OK.
surviving.

some days i feel great and fulfilled.
other days i feel like total shit.
and i never know what it's gonna be when i leave my house in the morning.

i wish i did know...
so i could brace myself.
and maybe then i wouldn't succumb to the negativity of people making me feel bad for stuff i didn't do/should've done (and YES, people CAN make me feel a way... because they do it purposefully and with intent).
and maybe then i would feel like myself all of the time.
like i am in my body and not losing parts of myself
as i walk through this life.
like i am all of me, and not just a shadow of me.
like i am not fading away.

i forget

i tend to forget that people notice my awesomeness,
i am kindly reminded from time to time that people are watching me and they like what they see.
integrity rules, and apparently, so do i.
:)

temperance

you know,
... all i wanted was a modicum of self-restraint.
that was all i thought i needed.
just a hint of moderation in my life.

but here i am, with years of time under my belt...
and i have been given this huge and unexpected gift.

not only have i learned what it means to be here, in this moment, devoid of fear...
but i have also been handed a life larger and fuller than i am able to manage in and of my self.
and thanks to it all, i am not afraid to live it.

moderation is for suckers.
balls to the wall...
this is how i am living my life.
taking risks.
fucking up.
learning lessons.
going to bed comfortable and waking up whole.

so fuck temperance. fuck moderation. i'm here to live to the fullest.
and because of my clarity and right-mindedness, it is likely that i'll be around for a long time to enjoy it.
sweet.

lucky

i am so incredibly lucky.
i take so much for granted.
i want so much,
and forget to say thank you for what i've got.

i want to take a moment today. here. in quasi-public.
to say... Thank You.

thanks to my friends who keep me standing and honest.
thanks to my mother who keeps me safe and healthy.
thanks to my classmates who keep me focused and ambitious.
thanks to my fellows who keep me in my own skin.
and last, but not least, thanks to my HP because everything i am and everything i do is because i am lucky enough to do it.
and I don't really believe in luck.

hey, mister!... i totally touched your jugular!

so here i was...
all up in this guy's neck.
for realz.
no exaggeration.
all the way down to the bone.
tearing the cancer out of his face....
...ever-so-gently.

and all i could think was...
that is TOTALLY his jugular vein...
and i NEED to touch it.

so i did.

i caressed it gently...
cuz what other way is there to touch a guy's jugular?

and all i can think now is...
i am probably gonna be one of the only people in the world to EVER touch his jugular vein.

i am officially rad.

my life is amazing and i need to STFU whenever i think of all the stuff in my life that irritates me....
because when it comes down to it, my life blows most peoples' lives out of the water.
boom.
i win.

and i'm über grateful for all of it.

(thank you, HP)

quit it!

just quit it, ok?
i need to have my own thing here...
and i keep seeing your face.
granted, it's getting easier...
i don't miss you as much today.
in fact, i hardly miss you at all at the moment.
what a relief!
and now i'm getting fed up with your presence.
meah!
i'm really glad we are friendly towards one another.
it does bring joy to my heart.
but don't confuse my niceness for necessity.
i'm moving on. i have to.
and if only you knew what my heart wanted...
you might not be so nice.

but whatever the case may be,
we are both here to stay.
and i wouldn't want anything to wreck what we had & now have.
so i will continue to sincerely smile at you with my eyes.
and you will continue to crash my meetings.
and we will all get along just fine.