fading

lately i have felt as though i am fading away.
like part of me is disappearing... almost like it is dying.
it is making me feel hopeless and sad.
i feel empty and alone.
i feel tired all the time.
and worse, i feel angry a lot.
which i know is just masking some sort of hurt.
the source of the hurt?
not really sure.
but i think it's a byproduct of the fact that i never know what my day will be like.
or who i will be trying to please that day.
or who will decide its their turn to shit on me that day.
and it probably also has to do with the fact that i have to compartmentalize all my emotions, because good medical students don't cry at work.
whatever.
regardless, i am feeling like a shadow of my former self and it's bumming me out hard.

people ask me all the time how i'm doing.
and i always answer, "fine."
and i truly think that is the most honest answer i can give.

i'm fine.

not good.
not bad.
but OK.
surviving.

some days i feel great and fulfilled.
other days i feel like total shit.
and i never know what it's gonna be when i leave my house in the morning.

i wish i did know...
so i could brace myself.
and maybe then i wouldn't succumb to the negativity of people making me feel bad for stuff i didn't do/should've done (and YES, people CAN make me feel a way... because they do it purposefully and with intent).
and maybe then i would feel like myself all of the time.
like i am in my body and not losing parts of myself
as i walk through this life.
like i am all of me, and not just a shadow of me.
like i am not fading away.