sunday no-funday.

today i feel like poo.
it could be that the steroids from the surgery have worn off and i have crashed hard.
it could be that i am on pain medication for my throat and it is bringing me down.
it could just be that i'm a little funky.
but regardless, i just don't feel so hot.

when i get like this, i know it is just because i need to take better care of myself.
which is hard when i can barely swallow water without searing pain.
but i am definitely showing up for studying (psychiatry, at least)
and i am for sure trying to manage my externals better (home, car, health, etc).
so that is a start.
but i still lack the balance i crave,
and it is probably because i am forced to be so sedentary right now.
i miss working out, and i can't for at least another week or so... til i'm healed up, which sucks.
(didn't think i would say that...ever)
but i think it is because i miss feeling connected to my body.
being in pain makes me want to disconnect a little.... or a lot.
it kinda blows.

i REALLY hope this pain subsides soon.
i have almost cried because it hurt SO bad on more than one occasion.
i'm pretty miserable.
and it sucks.
i just want to be able to eat like a normal human bean!
i seriously hope this surgery thing wasn't a mistake.
seriously,

that is all... meah!