back in it. for real.

so, i have been hanging on to some negative criticism lately.
it mostly centers around work/school.
which just so happens to be the one area of my life where i feel the least powerless and the most inadequate.
(SOooo not a coincidence!!)

anyway, i got a negative evaluation a few weeks ago.
and it crushed me.
which is ridiculous, but very real.
so i got upset.
and i felt hurt.
and ashamed <--- this one i am REALLY good at.
and i did my best to let it go.
but i couldn't.

i couldn't get it out of my head.
no matter what people said to me, and what everyone thought of me.
so i made a decision to make it a positive thing.
i vowed to rock the shit out of my internal medicine rotation.
my last hardcore rotation of the year.
and right now, i feel like i am keeping my promise to myself.

yesterday i was told that i am 'outstanding' and 'extremely bright'.
that i am performing 'above and beyond expectations'.
and i was told to take on more patients because i am 'obviously capable'.

well, this was all i needed to feel like i am on the right path.
like i am doing the right thing.
fulfilling my purpose and doing good, strong work.
a little positive reinforcement goes a long way with me.
for real.

and now, i feel amazing.
and i needed to hear every word my attending said.
because this was on the heels of being talked to like a fool by another person on my service, and being made to feel like an imbecile.
so it came at exactly the right time.
and i think i deserved the praise because i am pretty sure i earned it.
and i hope to continue to earn it.

i am definitely back in it.
to win it.
for real.
and i am feeling more and more confident every day.
i feel smart and capable.
i feel supported and loved and whole.

and once again i am extremely grateful for the bad because it is bringing about so much good.
once again i am reminded that i have no idea what is good for me.
until i get out of my own way for just a moment and do the footwork necessary to align myself with my true purpose:
i am here to learn,
and to work hard,
and to get as much out of the time i am spending with my patients as is humanly possible.
because they count on me.
they need me to advocate for them.
to act as their voice, when they are not being heard.
to try to comfort them when they are frustrated and scared.
and to help them take care of themselves when they don't know how.
i am, as far as they are concerned, their 'doctor'.
i am responsible, in part, for their care.
and they need to feel that they are getting the best care possible.
because if they don't feel this way, then i have failed them.
and if you know me at all, you know i despise failing.
i just don't do it well at all.

so i am gonna keep up the good work.
because it is not about me.
it is about humanity.
and care and concern for the people i see everyday.
it is about respect.
and love.
and hope.
and i am blessed to be a part of it.