Goddammit

i feel like i want to crawl in a teeny tiny hole and disappear.
i know it's silly, but if i have learned anything over the past 11 & a half years,
it's that i should honor my feelings no matter how ludicrous they might be.
and this one is denifitely Retarded.

i am overcome with fear.
and it is infuriating.
it is also extremely uncomfortable.

i am surrounded with love in so many areas of my life,
but i am perseverating on the fact that
i show up to work everyday and get shit on just a little bit.
it's not a lot, just a tad...
but i am so fucking sensitive that it feels like a dump truck's worth.
which is also maddening.
Why The Fuck Can't I Have Tougher Skin?!
it's hard to remember that i am there to do my best and be the best 'me' i can be,
when i am not comfortable being me with the people i am working with.

so, i need to remember the other lessons i have been taught:
when in fear, act as though that fear has been removed.
take contrary action.
act in faith, rather than in fear.
come from a place of love.
do the right things, so i won't have to amend my mistakes later.
and Most importantly...
Be The Best Me I Can Be No Matter What.
because the voice inside my head,
albeit quieter than it has been in years,
is still lying to me,
and i don't need to believe the lie today.

today i speak my mind.
today i get to honor my feelings and my needs.
the little girl inside me that desires a voice, actually gets to speak her mind today.
and i deserve to carry that courage into every area of my life.
because that is who i am and who i want to be.

so there.
Take THAT Fear.
You are Not the Boss of Me.
yeah.