reflecting.

This past year has been really hectic…. To say the least.

I went into it with a clear idea of what I wanted to do, and came out of it wanting something completely different. I started the year scared, and I’m finishing it off terrified. I learned a huge amount of information and am slowly forgetting a lot of it. I failed more times than I succeeded, and I made countless mistakes only to make more. But regardless of all the rough feelings I have had about this year, it has been one of the best years of my life. For real. Because this past year has been a gift. A privilege. An experience very few people get to partake in… it was amazing, and horrible, and wonderful… and I will remember it for the rest of my life.

A lot of feelings have come up this year:
I have never felt more full of purpose. I have felt useful throughout the year, and not only because I am able to help my team with orders and notes and procedures, but because I know that I have touched people’s lives and they have touched mine in return. I have developed relationships with people who may one day become my patients. I have grown closer to my classmates. I have learned how to tell people, “I don’t know.” I am starting to take ownership of my patients and the decisions I am making in their care. I am constantly reminded that I am someone people want to work with, and that my patients appreciate me and know that I care about them. I am slowly becoming the doctor I have wanted to be since the beginning of this long journey – and although this is a slow process, I can definitely see progress. I feel like I was afraid to take risks at the beginning of the year – I didn’t want to make any mistakes… partially because I know people’s lives are at stake, but also because I don’t want to fail. Failure is scary. And I tend to take it personally. Well, that has been an area of growth for me this year – I am learning how to make mistakes gracefully and how to let things go (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly). I am growing up. And while I realize that I am still full of fear as I go through my day, I know that I am not alone and that this is normal. And I am learning to walk through the fear, rather than letting it rule me. I guess you could say that I am gaining confidence with each passing day. I know I am. I just wish it would come faster. I long for the day that I feel like I know what is best for my patient. And I trust myself to make the right call.

At this stage in my education and career, I feel like I am ready to push myself harder than I have pushed myself thus far. I am ready to reach out and grab the thing I want most – an Ob/Gyn residency in Los Angeles. I want to honor my needs and desires, and I am ready to work hard to make it happen. I feel like this year has prepared me for this time. I am ready to start being a better student and a better worker. I want what I want, and nothing is going to stand in my way.

I am grateful for this past year and how it has shaped me. I know that I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be, but I am closer to my ideal now than I have ever been before. I feel blessed…. and grateful...
For all that I have gained and all that I have lost.
Goodbye, 3rd year… Hello, Everything Else.