back in it. for real.

so, i have been hanging on to some negative criticism lately.
it mostly centers around work/school.
which just so happens to be the one area of my life where i feel the least powerless and the most inadequate.
(SOooo not a coincidence!!)

anyway, i got a negative evaluation a few weeks ago.
and it crushed me.
which is ridiculous, but very real.
so i got upset.
and i felt hurt.
and ashamed <--- this one i am REALLY good at.
and i did my best to let it go.
but i couldn't.

i couldn't get it out of my head.
no matter what people said to me, and what everyone thought of me.
so i made a decision to make it a positive thing.
i vowed to rock the shit out of my internal medicine rotation.
my last hardcore rotation of the year.
and right now, i feel like i am keeping my promise to myself.

yesterday i was told that i am 'outstanding' and 'extremely bright'.
that i am performing 'above and beyond expectations'.
and i was told to take on more patients because i am 'obviously capable'.

well, this was all i needed to feel like i am on the right path.
like i am doing the right thing.
fulfilling my purpose and doing good, strong work.
a little positive reinforcement goes a long way with me.
for real.

and now, i feel amazing.
and i needed to hear every word my attending said.
because this was on the heels of being talked to like a fool by another person on my service, and being made to feel like an imbecile.
so it came at exactly the right time.
and i think i deserved the praise because i am pretty sure i earned it.
and i hope to continue to earn it.

i am definitely back in it.
to win it.
for real.
and i am feeling more and more confident every day.
i feel smart and capable.
i feel supported and loved and whole.

and once again i am extremely grateful for the bad because it is bringing about so much good.
once again i am reminded that i have no idea what is good for me.
until i get out of my own way for just a moment and do the footwork necessary to align myself with my true purpose:
i am here to learn,
and to work hard,
and to get as much out of the time i am spending with my patients as is humanly possible.
because they count on me.
they need me to advocate for them.
to act as their voice, when they are not being heard.
to try to comfort them when they are frustrated and scared.
and to help them take care of themselves when they don't know how.
i am, as far as they are concerned, their 'doctor'.
i am responsible, in part, for their care.
and they need to feel that they are getting the best care possible.
because if they don't feel this way, then i have failed them.
and if you know me at all, you know i despise failing.
i just don't do it well at all.

so i am gonna keep up the good work.
because it is not about me.
it is about humanity.
and care and concern for the people i see everyday.
it is about respect.
and love.
and hope.
and i am blessed to be a part of it.

i think i need a moment.

so i'm sitting in my living room, trying to figure out how the eff i'm supposed to learn all this medical stuff.
it's seriously overwhelming and it makes me want to take a nap... really really hard.

i know i'm never gonna know it all.
this is a fact.
i'm a 3rd year medical student, and people that have been practicing for years don't even know it all by memory.
i know this.
but it is still a daunting task.
because the exam i have to take in a few weeks doesn't care that my brain can't fit all this information in it.
and it doesn't care that i seem to have a terrible memory lately.
it is merely a hurdle i'm gonna have to clear.
and i want to clear it with room to spare.

so here i am.
overwhelmed.
in fear.
and sleepy.

what do i do?!

i do the thing i've been taught to do.
i take a minute.
i breathe... deeply.
i pray a little.
i sit with it.
and then i discard the fear... or at least TRY to.
for my own sake.
because the fear doesn't serve me.
it addles me unnecessarily.
it makes me feel like i can't do it.
even though i know i can.
i have done it before.
and i can do it again.
i am capable.
and i have a whole years worth of exams to prove it.
so i am writing in an attempt to remind myself that i need to take a moment to settle in and settle down.
cuz my HP has got me in the most incredible way.
and i am not alone.
and i will be OK no matter what.
and THAT is ALSO a fact.

all i see...

... is what's in front of me...
... that's you.

... and cool kids, they belong together.

:)

it's so crazy awesome...

it's super crazy fantastic how my life just got WAY better over the course of a few weeks.

i mean, it was already pretty effing good.
but NOW...
oh. my. god.
i feel like i've been waiting to feel this way for ages.

i've been alone for the past year, which has been amazing.
mostly because i haven't truly been alone.
i have been surrounded by people who care about me.
and i have become a pretty good friend.
i have enjoyed my solitude, and have found awesome new people to spend time with.
and amidst those people, there he was.
all along.
being awesome.
because that's just how he rolls.

and now, things are so incredible that i can hardly stand it.
he is sweeter than pie, and kinder than most, and he makes me feel warm and special.
he says things to me that i love to hear, and i'm pretty sure i return the favor.
it feels amazing to be so understood on so many levels.
he 'gets' me like i've never been 'got' before.
i feel like we both hit the jackpot.
win... squared.

it's late... i know... but i just wanted to say some stuff out loud

the past week has been full of ups and downs.
but for the most part it has been really great.

i have been spending a ton of time resting...
which i needed desperately...
because it turns out a tonsillectomy involves horrific pain.

i have also been spending time with Him.
My Him.
... and...
He is pretty great.

and i am totally falling for him.
in a remarkably healthy way.
slowly. purposefully.
and honestly.

we are already operating on the same wavelength,
and have been for a while.
i'll say something...
and then he'll say it out loud, with a little laugh,
"i know, Honey."
it's wonderful.
because he DOES know.
he gets it.
i love that!

i have seen him everyday this week.
and it's getting hard to imagine a day without him in it...

we text all throughout the day as it is,
and it is gonna be hard once i start inpatient medicine.
i'm not looking forward to that shit...
for a lot of reasons.
but one of the main reasons is that it is going to impact my schedule in such a serious way.
which means i am going to miss him.
which sucks.

i know it's fine.
because we will figure it out.
and it is only for 2 months.
but when we have only been doing this for a month or so,
it makes the 2 month thing feel like a relatively long time.

it's ok though.
we are going to be fine, if we are meant to be.
i'm grateful for the time we get to spend together this coming week.
and i'm grateful that we are both happy and healthy.
and that we are taking care of ourselves as we get to know each other.
and i am grateful that i get to be all of me when i'm with him.
because that is a beautiful thing.

because it is all about adding to each other's lives.
and staying true to ourselves.
and i feel like that is happening.
and i love it.

sunday no-funday.

today i feel like poo.
it could be that the steroids from the surgery have worn off and i have crashed hard.
it could be that i am on pain medication for my throat and it is bringing me down.
it could just be that i'm a little funky.
but regardless, i just don't feel so hot.

when i get like this, i know it is just because i need to take better care of myself.
which is hard when i can barely swallow water without searing pain.
but i am definitely showing up for studying (psychiatry, at least)
and i am for sure trying to manage my externals better (home, car, health, etc).
so that is a start.
but i still lack the balance i crave,
and it is probably because i am forced to be so sedentary right now.
i miss working out, and i can't for at least another week or so... til i'm healed up, which sucks.
(didn't think i would say that...ever)
but i think it is because i miss feeling connected to my body.
being in pain makes me want to disconnect a little.... or a lot.
it kinda blows.

i REALLY hope this pain subsides soon.
i have almost cried because it hurt SO bad on more than one occasion.
i'm pretty miserable.
and it sucks.
i just want to be able to eat like a normal human bean!
i seriously hope this surgery thing wasn't a mistake.
seriously,

that is all... meah!

if you are reading this...

so i have been posting a lot lately...
mostly because i have had a lot to say. duh.
but also because i seem to have forgotten that other people may be reading this.

well, if you are out there... hi.
i'm carla.
i'm a girl who is full of gratitude.
i have love and warmth in my life.
i give off light when i am happy.
i smile a lot.
i get joy from what i do... even if it isn't awesome every single day.
i have a purpose and i work hard to get what i want.
i have friends who care about me a lot.
i get scared a little, but my fear doesn't rule me.
i am honest and open with the people who matter to me.
i get vulnerable and it can be frightening.
and i write and put it out into the world so that i can feel a little less alone.
... and so maybe you can feel a little less alone too.

i have shared some really personal and emotional stuff on this bloggy-thing over the past year.
it has been a crazy year...
full of love, loss, passion for my work, fear of losing everything, and finally some peace.
if you have read it, you know.
if not...
now you are all caught up.

basically, i just want to say that i appreciate you taking the time to share my experience.
thank you.
whoever you are.