so i am trying to feel powerful... u kno... full of power...

today i want to feel like i have some control over what happens in my life.
even though i know i am kidding myself into thinking i have any control over anything but my actions.
so that is what i will do. i will control my actions today.
i will take care of myself today.
i will work hard today.
and i will know that i did my best today.
that i tried with all my might to be the best Me i can be.

and i do this, not because i want to make anyone proud,
i do this because i know it will make me feel complete. and strong.
and powerful.

so, i'm back

i'm back from the cruise vacation i was supposed to take with you.
i dreamt of you while i was there. it was a bad dream...
not because you were in it, but because it made me feel bad.
but it's ok.

i'm glad i got to go on the trip but there were moments that i wish you were there.
with me.
holding me. giggling with me. loving me.

i still miss you... i wish i could stop the feelings i have.
perhaps i am overwhelmed because i am back. here. in my reality.
but maybe i just still miss you and that is ok too.

from left to right: the girl who takes care of me, and me.

i miss you.

sometimes

sometimes i forget all the reasons why we are doing this.
and then i remember.

sometimes i fantasize about taking another trip with you.
and then i remember our last trip together.

sometimes i think about how i could be all the things you want me to be.
and then i remember how much i matter to me. and how i can't be true to one of us without lying to the other.

sometimes it hurts so bad.
and then it subsides and it is all ok.

sometimes i wish this would end so i could just go back to my life.
and then i remember... this is all part of my reality.
... and in order to appreciate all that i will have, i need to fully experience all that i am losing.

i miss you everyday.
it hurts a little everyday.
i cry a little everyday.
soon it will stop, i know...
...but right now i am still healing.

the process

... it comes in waves.
i find myself alone and feeling fine. strong. empowered. in faith.
and then it washes over me. like a trickle of ice cold water down my spine.
reminding me that i am made of flesh and bone. and that i feel pain.
and then it comes... the sadness. the fear.
and with it comes the loneliness. and the silence, so loud it rings in my ears.
it comes and knocks me down as though i were made of straw.
and i fall. hard.
i double over in pain so deep it can only be as a result of something beautiful.
only something of great beauty could cause this much agony.
it hurts.
and then, just when i think i might not see the other side, it's gone.
and i am left reeling and exhausted.
my eyes swollen from the rush of tears they have just been forced to endure.
my chest, heaving from the lack of breath.
and i am alright. safe. alone. unafraid.
taking comfort in the fact that i have been through worse and come out the other side a better Me.
it will be ok. it IS ok. i am ok.
i am whole.

ever grateful, for the process... the good and the bad,
C.

so this is goodbye

it is really hard to say goodbye, and i miss him already, but i know we are both gonna be ok. even though it hurts my heart.

we know it is for the best, but that doesn't make it any easier to let go. and that is what i am doing... i'm letting go. slowly. but surely.

jmoo, you have a piece of my heart. a piece i never gave to anyone until i met you. and i know it will be in good hands. you can keep it. it is for you. thanks for letting me love you so much. i needed it.

but i don't need it anymore. so take it. it's yours. and i will be ok if i never see it again.