Tuesday, November 29, 2011

a run-in with the past

it's amazing, the clarity you get with time and distance.
tonight i saw someone i haven't seen in about a year.
(it's been a really good year.)
and i'm glad i had space from him and his way of being.
he has not changed a bit,
even though he claims to have grown up "a lot"...
but objectivism has never been his strong point,
especially since he runs on self.
and maybe i'm just as confused as he is when i think i've changed too...
except i have been told that i am indeed different than i was when we were together.

i have grown into myself over the past couple of years and i have a lot to be grateful for.
and being around him reminded me of my immense gratitude for the life i have today.
i am honest and true to myself in every area possible.
i have love and laughter in my life.
i have a sense of purpose and an outlet for my passion.
i'm living wholly and truly.
and while i suppose my past has led me to my present,
i have a tiny twinge of regret when i think about the time i spent with him.
i know it was real in the moment,
but if reality is so malleable,
then what's to say my life today is any more real?
or any less real.
(deep. whoa.)

anyway, i guess i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that
the chapter of my life with him in it has been over for some time.
and i couldn't be happier about it.
if our paths cross again, it won't ruin my day or anything like that,
but it isn't necessary.
and it would be fine if it didn't happen again.

it's kinda like a town that you have visited on more than one occasion,
thinking it will be better the next time.
and it never is.
it's like that.
only with a dude, instead of a town.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

it's time.

so i have been putting this part off for some time,
but it has become evident that the time has come to deal.
i want what i want, and i want it to be mine.
so the time has come to line all the ducks up and knock 'em down one at a time.

i've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking with people in my field.
people who know what i'm about to embark on.
and they all have opinions.
and suggestions.
and algorithms.
but i need to find the one that fits me (which is not an easy task).
because sincerity outshines overcompensation... every time.
and i want to do things because of their underlying purpose,
not to fill up space on my CV.

i want to shine the way i know i can shine.
and lately i've been feeling rusty and dull.
which is only my perception, i know, but it Feels real.

anyway, i guess all i am saying is:
now i know what i need to do to get what i want.
and i think i am ready to do it.
all of it.
because i am staying in LA for residency.
and i am going to be happy.
for real.
and i will not cry on Match Day.
no way.
because i will know what is coming before it happens.
i will know in my gut... the place inside me i have learned to trust.
i will know it with every fiber of my being that i am on the right path.
because that feeling hasn't failed me yet.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


so it's been a little over 7 months now, and i am officially more in love than i have ever been in my entire life.
this relationship is so perfect that i find myself questioning it and worrying about it a ton.
i feel like i'm gonna break it or something, even though it is far too awesome for little me to be able break it.
but still. i worry.
i'm constantly checking in with him to make sure he feels as good as i do.
and guess what... he does.

i have never been this happy with anyone. not ever.
he understands me.
he supports me.
he encourages me to be me... even when i'm being retarded and crazy.
he always makes me feel safe.
he tells me he loves me and i know he means it.
we are totally doing this relationship thing!
and i think we're doing it well.

as the days continue to pass us by,
i hope i can stay in the moment more...
so that i can enjoy where we are with each other.
because before i know it, this part of the relationship will be behind us.
and we will have spent our lives together.
and i'll wish i had this time to revel in the love we have for each other.
and the way it's growing everyday.
because this part only happens once.
and i don't want to miss it because i was too busy thinking about tomorrow and not about today.