Monday, June 3, 2013

on to the next adventure

three days ago, on May 31st, 2013, i received my medical degree. 
i walked across the stage in a black and emerald gown, was hooded by Dr. Parker, shook hands with Dean Washington, and was announced as Dr. Carla Alejandra Spades.
it's official... i am a doctor. 

my family and best friends were there with me, loving me, supporting me, and reminding me that they have believed in me every step of the way. 
my mom threw me a huge party and i was surrounded by love.
it was a celebration of the culmination of the last 10 years of blood, sweat, and tears. 
all the long hours, sleepless nights, stress, anxiety, fear, and endless amount of work paid off. 
i'm done with medical school forever. 

i have been waiting for this day for years.
and with each approaching day i have been growing more and more excited about it.
in fact, i could hardly sleep the night before i was so amped about it.
and even though i am truly thrilled, and couldn't be more proud,
there is a huge part of me that is really really sad that i won't be a medical student anymore.
the safety i felt, the protection i knew i had, is now gone.
i am responsible for my patients' care.
i am responsible if something goes wrong.
it is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

i know i am still learning, and that i am not yet truly on my own.
but i also know that my safety net is temporary and soon i will be left to rely my own knowledge and skill and will be left alone, responsible for the decisions that affect the lives of my patients. 
what an honor!

this is what i have been waiting for.
all the work i have put in has led me here.
i am starting residency at my top choice program, 
i am madly in love with a boy who loves, respects, and supports me and who has promised to always be there for me, and who lets me love him with my whole heart,
i have friends who care about me and who simply believe i cannot fail,
and i am about to start the rest of my life in the career of my choosing.
it honestly doesn't get any better than this.

here i go, let's see what the future holds. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

blown away.

So, I am totally blown away by my life.
The last time I posted I was devastated and heartbroken.
I feared I would die a cold, lonely death.
My friends swept in an held me until I was able to hold myself.
They cradled me and loved me and reminded me that I am not alone, no matter what.
In the midst of that, a friend opened his heart to me, and I opened mine in return...
and I am now more in love than I have ever been in my whole life.
I swear I didn't see this coming.
How could I?
I was completely invested in my last relationship
As I usually do, I gave it my all - even though he never gave it his... because he couldn't... or wouldn't.
And now I am being given the things I have craved all along.
Safety, warmth, love, care, kindness, tenderness, acceptance, intimacy, and true commitment.
He loves me completely.
And even though it kind of terrifies me, I love him equally in return.
He has my whole heart.
I would do anything for him.
And the amazing thing is... I know he would do anything for me.
I am madly and truly in love.
I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.
And he amazingly feels the same way.
He looks into my eyes, and I swear he is looking at my soul.
The moment he kissed me for the first time, I felt my entire future open up in front of me.
And it is beautiful and amazing.
I feel like I'm home when I'm with him.
I feel warm, safe, protected, loved, and at peace.
It is the most profound feeling I have ever known.
It is calm and safe and warm
It is truly a beautiful thing.
And I intend on feeling this for as long as humanly possible.
He may be The One. My one. And I may be His.
Here we go, life.
Bring it.