that one time i went off to college

i'm sitting here watching Gilmore Girls...
which if you know me, you know is not a rare event.
it's an episode i've watched many many times before.
it's 'The Lorelais' First Day at Yale'.

every time i watch it, i cry... just a little.
when i was dropped off at college, my mom didn't so much as hug me goodbye.
we drove up to San Francisco, we unloaded her car and mine,
and she looked at me in an angry way, said, "good-bye," (literally),
and got in her car and drove away without even looking back.
my uncle was with her and he hugged me goodbye and said not to mind my mother.

it was awful.
it's a moment i tend to re-live from time to time. especially when watching this episode.

the Gilmore Girls have the relationship with each other that i have always craved with my mother.
they understand each other.
they respect each other.
they love each other.
they teach each other.
they trust each other.
and they are pretty & cool.

so... my mom will never be cool, and i am a huge dork, so that will never be our reality.
but as the years have passed, my mom and i have started to approach Gilmore status.
i know we will never be them... because that was teevee and life just doesn't do that.
but my mom and i have reached a point where we truly love & respect each other.
she doesn't necessarily understand me all of the time, and i don't always understand her...
but we have a beautiful relationship today. and i am extremely grateful for that.
it's a blessing. :)

as far as college good-byes.... what i didn't understand at the time, is that she was sad and hurt.
she didn't want me to go.
plus, she saw me headed in a direction that frightened her.
and i totally started down a destructive path when i left for college.
so she was right to be upset and hurt and sad.
and she simply wasn't capable of expressing that to me at the time.
because, frankly, i wasn't to be trusted with it... i was not someone she could be vulnerable with.

today, things are different.
she still has trouble getting vulnerable, but that is because she is a rock... a pillar...
and she doesn't want people to see the cracks & flaws in something so strong.
but she opens up to me today. and vice versa.
we trust each other with our feelings today.
and our relationship is all the richer for it.

so today, sitting here, i still get a little jealous of all the love that the Gilmore Girls exchange in this episode.
but i am also reminded of how much i have grown and how much my relationship with my mother has evolved as we both have grown up.

it's a beautiful thing. for reals.

i'm really just a girl...

i know it's easy to forget, what with all of my awesome,
but i really am just a girl.
and i am soft and easily hurt.
especially when i have decided to get vulnerable and let you in.

so when you say things like the things you said,
i feel them. deeply. uncontrollably. and i feel them for a while.

so please, for all the fellas out there...
just choose your words wisely.
because when you think you are just being honest and speaking your mind,
you really may be stabbing us in the soul.

yours truly,
carla

feeling good. it's nice.

lately i have been feeling really good. relaxed. and honestly, it's a little freaky.
i'm really used to feeling anxious and agitated... medical school will do that to you.
(my little adrenal glands have taken a hit over the past few years.)
but over the past few weeks/months, i've been feeling great.
more serene.
more comfortable.
less freaked-out.
it's really really nice.
and people are noticing.
one of my dearest friends said i looked calm. (weird!)
another friend told me i radiate love and warmth. (super-weird!!)
as odd as these things sound coming from my friends,
these are things i have always wanted!
i shared recently, that i was able to soothe myself through a pretty dark moment.
again, this is something i have always wanted... to hold my own hand when shit goes awry.
what a gift!!.. and it has only taken 11 years to get to this place.
no matter.
however long it takes, the ability to feel comfortable in yourself is a blessing. and i realize this.
and while i am the first to admit that i don't 'live' in this place...
that i have moments where i doubt myself and that there are times when i am scared and uncomfortable,
this feeling of unease is not my constant state anymore.

for lack of a better way to put it:
it's REALLY nice. and i like it. a lot.

gimme?

in case you got to this site and realized its about a lot more than cupcakes and cute things... i thought i would throw this out there so that you aren't completely disappointed. it's definitely a cupcake. and it is cute, for sure. at least i think so. :)

disappointment?

it never fails... people will always disappoint me.

whether it is the friend who stopped calling for whatever reason,
or the other friend who doesn't show up or call when they are supposed to...
i will always be disappointed. it is a given.
sad. but true.

but this doesn't mean that i get to give up hope.
because as much as people disappoint me, there are those who never cease to amaze me.

like my mom, who sends me greeting cards in the mail because she knows i need to feel supported right now.
or the boys who open doors for me so i can feel just a little bit girlie.
or the new friends who text me to wish me luck on a big exam.
or the old friends call me to tell me that they love me.

it's a balance.
and it is delicate.
and i'm grateful for it all.
because i know that the people who are showing up for me now, are the people who count.
they are the ones that matter, because i matter to them.
and the ones who are disappointing me, are not horrible people,
they just aren't the people i need to have in my life right now.
and that is ok.
because when it comes down to it, i have all i need.
always.

so much has happened...

it's been a hot minute since i posted... so here goes it.

hi everyone. or no one. it's hard to say. no matter...
hi. :)

a lot has happened since i last wrote something....
this is what has happened in the past 2 weeks:
i cut off a person's toe. pretty much all by myself.
i helped saw off another person's foot.
i had the honor and privilege of telling a guy in his 20's (and his wife) that he is going to die of metastatic stomach cancer.
i helped countless people change their wound dressings.
i witnessed innumerable trauma situations, including an execution-style gun shot wound to the head.
i stayed overnight at the hospital thrice.
i put in IV's and drew up arterial blood gases.
i broke down and cried hysterically (and out of proportion for what was happening at the time).
i called my mommy. and she brought me soup.
i turned 11 and got caked by my 5 favorite women.
and, finally, i studied and studied for many many days in a row.

in fact, i'm studying right now... well not this second, but you get the gist.

i can't believe my experiences over the past weeks... it's crazy.
it's been overwhelming.
and while i am strangely disconnected from what has been going on around me (more people have died on my service in the past 2 weeks than on any other rotation) i have been getting more joy out of my work. and it is making my day.
i didn't have this experience when i was at the other hospital.
probably because i wasn't in the trenches, like i've been for the past 2 & 1/2 weeks.
it's made the hugest difference!
and to top it all off, i was on the most amazing team ever.
these guys are awesome.
they helped me get involved, they encouraged me to learn and try new things, and they were super friendly.
they ALMOST made me want to do surgery for a living...
(but the lifestyle is shit and i don't think i would be OK if i did.
plus, i told the guys that i'm 'too dainty' for general surgery. they laughed. but it's true.)
so my previous career choice is gonna stick.
even thought now i am leaning more towards Gyn, because it is more surgical.
and i officially heart surgery. with my heart. :)
plus: Gyn is girly surgery. which feels like a better fit for me.
yeah.

so now that i am almost half way done with my school year,
and i am almost done with the surgical part of the year,
i am faced with a sadness:
i am going to miss surgery TERRIBLY.
so instead of sitting idly by, and watching as surgery leaves my life, i decided to take matters into my own hands:
i asked my chief if i could hang out with him starting in January.
and he said 'yes'.
this guy is one of the best teachers i've had in ages. i can tell that he has a passion for teaching.
because every opportunity he got, he showed me something new and explained it in terms i could understand and relate to.
it was wonderful. and i am über grateful for him and the fact that he said i could spend time with him after this rotation is over.
i am super stoked. not only because i get to operate with him some more, but also because i didn't want my OR time to end.
i NEED to be in the OR. otherwise i'm just not happy.
it's nice to know that about myself.

who knew that i would love surgery this much?!
not me. seriously. it's wonderfully shocking.

so i guess, on that note, i'll get back to studying for my surgery exam. i really hope i pass... i'm dreading it.

goodnight world.
wish me luck!

this. is.

this. is. my. day.

it is amazing that i am awake and coherent right now.
i woke up at 3:45 a.m., was at the hospital by 5 a.m., left work at almost 6 p.m., and got home about an hour ago @7:15 p.m.
that, my friends, is a long ass day. 16 hours to be exact. and now i need to study before bed, and then wake up tomorrow to do it all over again.

the weird part is that while most people would be hating on the idea of waking up at such an unGodly hour to go to work, i am actually stoked to go back to the hospital.

this. is. awesome.

today, i felt useful. needed. i was part of the team. they counted on me to do stuff, and they let me do whatever i wanted... i put in an IV today, i saw a patient on my own and came to a diagnosis, i filled out admission paperwork, and all i had to do was ask.

i told them i want to amputate something while i am on this rotation... they said 'cool'. chances are i will be cutting off a part of someone's leg in the next couple of days.

this. is. madness.

i only wish i would have had this experience from the beginning. i probably would have liked the rest of my surgery rotation more than i did. i felt like i was in the way most of the time. best described by one of the interns on my service as: "3rd year medical students: when helping hurts." i totally felt like i didn't have a clue what i could do to be helpful. now, i realize it is, for once, all about me. whatever i want to be involved in, is where i need to be. chances are i should have been doing something else while i was putting in a line today, but i wanted to place that IV... so i did. meah.

this. is. selfish?

i dunno. but regardless of what it is or is not, i am feeling wonderful right now. stoked. happy to be where i am. even though i know i will be exhausted in a couple of days. it is all going to be worth it.

this. is. joy.

awesome in its simplicity.

"words can be meager things. sometimes they fall short."

this is the line that made me stop what i was doing and take a moment to pause in the brilliance of it.

"there they go again," he continued, "there go those words fallin' short again... paltry things."

i was sitting here, in my living room, minding my own business, when all of the sudden i was struck... blind-sided, actually, by a line from one of my new favorite TV shows, The Walking Dead.
the main character was describing his experience, and lacked the words to truly embody what he went through.

i relate. i feel like i am constantly battling the fact that words have severe limitations.
there are moments in every day that i lack the words to describe how i am feeling, what i am doing, how you are acting...
all of my experiences, stifled by the fact that they cannot be expressed in their truest form, because there simply are not words enough to describe them all.

well, in an attempt to break free from this feeling i will merely say that in my purest moments i am either in love & faith or in fear & self. this is my truth.
and while i realize that this statement falls light years short of all that i truly want to say, it can and must be enough.

simple.
yet awesome.
yup.

i am the system, and it's a stochastic process

From wiki:
"Stochastic (from the Greek στόχος for aim or guess) means random.
A stochastic process is one whose behavior is non-deterministic, in that a system's subsequent state is determined both by the process's predictable actions and by a random element."

the things that have occurred in the past few days have by no means been completely random.
i am aware of the process i am involved in... and how the things that have happened to me over the course of the past few days were unplanned.
unpredictable.
yet, expected.

i witnessed a stranger's death.
i was present.
i got vulnerable. twice.
i was honest, open, and unafraid.
i made a bad choice.
i voiced my feelings, and i took care of myself.
i got taken care of by the people who love me.
i was reminded of my awesome.
and then, it was all alright.
i was with my people.
and i was home.

none of this was random.
all that has happened has occurred with purpose.
i have grown, yet again.
through the discomfort, through the fear, i sprout up like a little green thing trying to find sunlight.

i remember how awesome i am, and how awesomely i am loved.
MY subsequent state is being determined both by my own (as well as others') predictable actions, and by a random element.
that random element is my HP.

so once again, i get to be grateful.
because without the random, there is no process.
and without my HP, there is no true me.

so... it happened

i was asleep in the on-call room, when the trauma pager went off.
it was almost 1 a.m.
i didn't want to wake up, but right when i was getting ready to unintentionally doze off again, it went off a second time.
i got my shoes and white coat on, and ran to the elevator to get to the ED (emergency department).
i walked in and the trauma team was already working on her.
i threw my coat on a rack, got some gloves on and stood watching as they cut her open.
they kept saying something about gun shot wounds, and how there had been an acccident.
i don't want to divulge too much, but needless to say this was way more than i had bargained for when the pager went off... considering that the last time the pager went off, some kid had fallen off his bike.

anyway...
they were working on her. cutting off her clothes. she was not breathing on her own.
they were trying to cut into her chest to massage her heart... it had stopped beating.
they were trying to save her.

i just stood there.
i had no idea where anything was in the room.
i had no idea how to be helpful.
it was frightening.
finally, the chief resident, being a rad guy, started asking me for stuff off the wall and in cabinets -- stuff that was clearly labeled... so i could help.
thank god for him. he helped me get involved. i needed it.

after about 20 minutes (i honestly have no idea of how much time actually passed... i'm guessing it was about 20 min) they called it.
she was gone.

her eyes were still open.
her body was cold.
there was blood everywhere.
it was one of the saddest things i have ever seen.

all i could think was, "who would do this to this poor woman?"
she could be someone's mother, someone's wife, someone's best friend.
and no one has any idea what has happened to her.
someone's life has changed forever. and it happened here. in front of me.
in just a matter of minutes.

the way i am feeling right now is totally overwhelming me.
all of a sudden, this is all too real.
what i am doing with my life.
this is it.
what we do.
we save people.
and sometimes... we fail.
i hate failing at anything, which is probably adding to why this is so excrutiating... besides the obvious fact that someone has died and the fact that this is a truly horrible thing.

so i sit here.
in the on-call room.
with the disheveled sheets on the bunk-bed behind me.
and blood on my scrubs.
i sit here, after trying to go back to sleep, and finding myself unable to stop weeping.
deciding to type this out.
so you can read it and share it with me.
so i won't feel so alone in this moment.
i sit here with tears streaming down my face.
and all that i feel is consuming me.

sadness.
fear... terror, is more accurate.
confusion.
helplessness.
all of it... all that makes me human.
and all i want is not to feel it.
because the rest of the team was stoked that they got to cut into her chest.
and i just wanted to hold her hand. and close her eyes, because she couldn't anymore. and tell her that i'm sorry we couldn't save her. i'm sorry we couldn't do more. because no one else bothered to notice that she was wearing a ring on the ring-finger of her left hand and someone out there just lost someone they love.

this shit is for real.
i seriously hope i can stand it.
because right now i am begging my HP to please help me to hold it together long enough to make it home and maintain some semblance of grace.

if this is too much for you, i'm sorry. because i know it is too much for me.

i knew it would happen someday.
i knew i wouldn't see it coming.
and i knew it would affect me.
and now it has happened.
someone has died. in front of me.
someone i was partially responsible for.
and there was nothing more we could do.
this moment will live with me forever.
that woman has changed me forever.
i'm so sorry it had to happen.
and i will carry this sorrow with me for the rest of my life.

overnight call

overnight call at the hospital is disorienting.

i got to work and it was barely getting light out...
i watched the sun come up...
i ran around the hospital...
and then i watched the sun come up again.

i only slept a couple of hours through it all,
and the lack of a normal rhythm made it difficult to tell...
was i at work for a just few hours?
did it just seem long?
or am i right to feel this way?
exhausted.
clumsy.
a little absent-minded.
and a little emotionally drained.

did i dream it all?
it hardly felt real.
i helped operate on some people.
i rounded on patients and they loved me for it.
i decided i hate being in the ER when i'm tired...
cuz belligerent drunkards are annoying as shit.

and now that i have slept it off, why do it still feel a wee-bit strange?
i still feel like i'm dreaming.
it's wild.

so i try to get back into a routine...
i go do my regular friday night thing.
i hang out with friends after, which is great fun,
not to mention the fact that it helps me to feel normal.
i catch up on my weekly teevee fix.
and yet, i feel just a little off kilter.

i think i need to get to the arclight.
that will fix it.
:)

(anyone want to see megamind with me?? let's do it!!)

tonight

so i'm sitting here. in bed. on my iphone.
poking when i should be sleeping.
and all i can think about
(besides how sleepy i am gonna be when i roll out of bed tomorrow morning)
is how insane my life is...
and how cool and humbling it is that my day can consist of seeing really sick people, talking them through their fears, holding their hand as they go under anesthesia, and then cutting these people open and sewing them back up.

even cooler is how i then get to go to the place where my people are...
and how i am reminded of how far i've come,
and how these people and this place help me feel complete and safe.

i am really glad i was invited out tonight.
it felt great.
it made my day feel whole.
and good.

so... now i'll get my sad little 4 hours of sleep,
and it will be worth it to be a little tired tomorrow,
because it was a good night and i am pretty lucky to have all that i have,
and whatever i think i need is irrelevant because
i am happy and whole and good.

oh my good-ness

so i have come to realize that i am too good.
i love following the rules and living up to expectations.

i am SO good, in fact, that it has made me bad.

i am bad at thinking outside the box.
i kinda suck at not caring about what you think of me.
and worst of all, i shy away from taking risks.

so i go through my day a little timid.
shy, reserved, and afraid.

i don't like it.
not one bit.

so today, i am deciding to stop being quite so good.

i'm gonna take a risk tomorrow.
i am gonna stick my neck out...
and if i get cut, i get cut.
i have a feeling it won't kill me.
and i also think it will make me better and stronger.

so here i go.
good-bye my good-ness.
deuces!

fading

lately i have felt as though i am fading away.
like part of me is disappearing... almost like it is dying.
it is making me feel hopeless and sad.
i feel empty and alone.
i feel tired all the time.
and worse, i feel angry a lot.
which i know is just masking some sort of hurt.
the source of the hurt?
not really sure.
but i think it's a byproduct of the fact that i never know what my day will be like.
or who i will be trying to please that day.
or who will decide its their turn to shit on me that day.
and it probably also has to do with the fact that i have to compartmentalize all my emotions, because good medical students don't cry at work.
whatever.
regardless, i am feeling like a shadow of my former self and it's bumming me out hard.

people ask me all the time how i'm doing.
and i always answer, "fine."
and i truly think that is the most honest answer i can give.

i'm fine.

not good.
not bad.
but OK.
surviving.

some days i feel great and fulfilled.
other days i feel like total shit.
and i never know what it's gonna be when i leave my house in the morning.

i wish i did know...
so i could brace myself.
and maybe then i wouldn't succumb to the negativity of people making me feel bad for stuff i didn't do/should've done (and YES, people CAN make me feel a way... because they do it purposefully and with intent).
and maybe then i would feel like myself all of the time.
like i am in my body and not losing parts of myself
as i walk through this life.
like i am all of me, and not just a shadow of me.
like i am not fading away.

i forget

i tend to forget that people notice my awesomeness,
i am kindly reminded from time to time that people are watching me and they like what they see.
integrity rules, and apparently, so do i.
:)

temperance

you know,
... all i wanted was a modicum of self-restraint.
that was all i thought i needed.
just a hint of moderation in my life.

but here i am, with years of time under my belt...
and i have been given this huge and unexpected gift.

not only have i learned what it means to be here, in this moment, devoid of fear...
but i have also been handed a life larger and fuller than i am able to manage in and of my self.
and thanks to it all, i am not afraid to live it.

moderation is for suckers.
balls to the wall...
this is how i am living my life.
taking risks.
fucking up.
learning lessons.
going to bed comfortable and waking up whole.

so fuck temperance. fuck moderation. i'm here to live to the fullest.
and because of my clarity and right-mindedness, it is likely that i'll be around for a long time to enjoy it.
sweet.

lucky

i am so incredibly lucky.
i take so much for granted.
i want so much,
and forget to say thank you for what i've got.

i want to take a moment today. here. in quasi-public.
to say... Thank You.

thanks to my friends who keep me standing and honest.
thanks to my mother who keeps me safe and healthy.
thanks to my classmates who keep me focused and ambitious.
thanks to my fellows who keep me in my own skin.
and last, but not least, thanks to my HP because everything i am and everything i do is because i am lucky enough to do it.
and I don't really believe in luck.

hey, mister!... i totally touched your jugular!

so here i was...
all up in this guy's neck.
for realz.
no exaggeration.
all the way down to the bone.
tearing the cancer out of his face....
...ever-so-gently.

and all i could think was...
that is TOTALLY his jugular vein...
and i NEED to touch it.

so i did.

i caressed it gently...
cuz what other way is there to touch a guy's jugular?

and all i can think now is...
i am probably gonna be one of the only people in the world to EVER touch his jugular vein.

i am officially rad.

my life is amazing and i need to STFU whenever i think of all the stuff in my life that irritates me....
because when it comes down to it, my life blows most peoples' lives out of the water.
boom.
i win.

and i'm über grateful for all of it.

(thank you, HP)

quit it!

just quit it, ok?
i need to have my own thing here...
and i keep seeing your face.
granted, it's getting easier...
i don't miss you as much today.
in fact, i hardly miss you at all at the moment.
what a relief!
and now i'm getting fed up with your presence.
meah!
i'm really glad we are friendly towards one another.
it does bring joy to my heart.
but don't confuse my niceness for necessity.
i'm moving on. i have to.
and if only you knew what my heart wanted...
you might not be so nice.

but whatever the case may be,
we are both here to stay.
and i wouldn't want anything to wreck what we had & now have.
so i will continue to sincerely smile at you with my eyes.
and you will continue to crash my meetings.
and we will all get along just fine.

perfect.

everything happens for a reason.
and it's amazing.

i forget that this is my reality.

in my life, everything is as it should be.
completely incomplete...
but just enough... no more, no less.

i'm not ready.
and my HP knows it.

so i am presented with this.
and this is perfect.

it is safe.
and warm.
and sincere in its kindness and grace.

but it is not for me.
not right now.
it is unavailable and just out of reach.
perfect.

just as i sit here, feeling as i do...
not quite put back together yet...
I feel perfectly imperfect.

cracked, but not broken.
alone, but not lonely.
lovable, but not truly loved.

it's bittersweet, but it is seriously perfect.

my life blows my mind all the time.
today is just another day that i am reminded how great it is to be me.
just me.
nothing more.

and all i need is within me.
and that is a beautiful thing.

it's funny...

... how quickly things can change.
i can go from totally excited to kinda 'meh' in 3 seconds flat.
i felt special and noticed... and then i didn't.
i felt ordinary again. Boom. just like that.

it's no big deal, it is what it is,
but I definitely felt better when I was excited.
oh well, let's just see what happens.
whatever does happen, it will certainly be something different than this...
the thing that is happening right now.
besides, there are many things to be done this week,
and that was only one.

tomorrow is a new day. full of new stuff.
and it will be good to start a new day.
clean slate.
all the while, remembering how funny it is...
when things change.

helping

i feel good when i feel useful.
when i help.

today, i dragged myself out of bed.
on 6 hours of sleep... which is not enough for me.
and i got dressed up in my doctor-clothes.
and i drove out to Lennox.

the people were lined up outside and welcomed me in with smiles...
... they knew i was there to help... i was wearing my white coat and stethy was around my neck.

i felt useful right away.

i sat in a room full of white-coats,
and one by one we were called upon to help.

i helped people who were afraid to get their blood drawn.
i talked to families and answered their health-related questions.
little kids were my patients... i felt competent and useful.

all because i dragged myself out of bed and drove to Lennox.
i feel SO good. because i helped.

i hope i remember this the next time i get asked to drive out to Lennox to help.

thanks, but no thanks.

hello, little voice inside my head.
please stop confusing me.
no means no.

regardless of how great i think i would be as a Pediatrician,
i cannot....
i will not.....
i REFUSE to subject myself to that much pain and discomfort on the daily.
nope.
not gonna happen.

and yes, i love the shit outta some kids.
and yeah, they mostly love me.
and the parents seem to think i am pretty neat.
but all that being said, i should not...
i cannot...
i will not....
i REFUSE to leave work crying.
and i am not going to be the person who dreads waking up in the morning because it means i have to go to work.

no thanks. not gonna happen.

so thank you, medical school, for exposing me to the field of Pediatrics.
and thank you HUCLA, for showing me the reality of childhood illness.
and thank you, everyone who saw me in action, for letting me be me.
i wish i was stronger and capable of detaching myself from my feelings.
but as it turns out, i am just not built that way.
and that is ok.

so farewell, my dream of becoming the world's greatest Pediatrician.
thanks, but no thanks.

... and hello Ob/Gyn... it looks like we're in it for the long haul...
and i'm in it to win it.

this is gonna be an amazing journey.
i hope it lands me close to home.

oh that hoodie

how i hate it.
but i can't seem to throw it away.
i'm the worst pack-rat ever.
but seriously... what made you think that i would love it?
it is such a small thing...
but...
i think that the moment i saw it was the moment i realized we might be over.
i felt so misunderstood.

it is the hoodie of misunderstanding.
i kinda feel bad for it.

it is so sad.

that is probably why i can't throw it away... who could reject something that is already so sad?

so it will sit there.
in that clothes pile.
for a little longer.
until it isn't as sad.
until it has regained some dignity.

and then i will kill it with fire.

i knew it

so, i knew it was over, i think i just had to hear it from you.
and then i had to say it outloud.
It's over.
i guess i'm mooving on.
the strangest part of it all is that i've come to realize that it is not the relationship i miss, it's just you. Yup. and I know you miss me too. it's ok.
our feelings for eachother were never unmatched. we were both floored by our love for each other at the start. it was almost enough... our love.
until it wasn't.
and we both realized that we were never going to feel complete if we stayed together.
it was never right again after that first February.
3 months in and it was pretty wrecked.
sad.
i know this now... only because hindsight is 20/20.
and i'm doing work to move forward and learn from it all.

all this, to say: i think we are both going to be fine. i know it, in fact.
in the meantime, just know that i am here. nearby. very probably thinking of you when you are thinking of me. still somewhat in sync. keeping each other warm from a distance. safe. and never feeling alone.

thank you. and bye for now.

i touched your spleen, little girl!

yesterday i dug around in a girl's insides...
in an attempt to make her better.
i think we did it.
i hope we did, anyway.
regardless, it felt great...
like i was finally solving a problem.
i felt useful, even though all i did was watch the surgeons work their magic...
oh, and i helped close her up a little.

but to me, it wasn't just about the surgery...
i've been able to be there for the family.
i brought them down to the PACU to see their little girl once she was out of surgery...
they were SO grateful.
parents are tough, but super cool.
and i love that they trust us with their babies.

today i brought her a little toy from my happy meal.
she didn't know it was for her, or that it was from me, but her dad did.
he knew i brought it because i was thinking about her.
he was grateful.
it made my heart warm.

soon she will feel better.
it will be easier for her to breathe.
she will never know what we did for her... she will never understand.
but i will know. i'll remember it forever.
i touched her little spleen, and in a way... it touched me too.

... and now for a musical number...

what will this day be like? i wonder....
what will my future be? i wonder...
it could be so exciting... to be out in the world... to be free...
my heart should be wildly rejoicing...
oh, what's the matter with me?

i've always longed for adventure...
to do the things i've never dared...
now here i'm facing adventure, then why am i so scared?

oh i must stop these doubts all these worries...
if i don't i just know i'll turn back.
i must dream of the things i am seeking...
i am seeking the courage i lack.
the courage to serve them with reliance...
face my mistakes without defiance
show them i'm worthy... and while i show them... i'll show ME!

so... let them bring on all their problems,
i'll do better than my best.
i have confidence they'll put me to the test...
but i'll make them see i have confidence in me.

somehow i will impress them...
i will be firm but kind.
and all those children (heaven bless them),
they will look up to me... and mind me.
with each step i am more certain,
everything will turn out fine.
i have confidence the world can all be mine,
they'll have to agree i have confidence in me.

i have confidence in sunshine,
i have confidence in rain,
i have confidence that Spring will come again,
besides which, you see, i have confidence in me.

strength doesn't lie in numbers...
strength doesn't lie in wealth...
strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
when you wake up WAKE UP! it's healthy...

all i trust i leave my heart to...
all i trust becomes my own...
i have confidence in confidence alone....

oh, help.

i have confidence in confidence alone....
besides which, you see, i have confidence in ME!

craving...

i'm craving time off...super duper bad.
i'm craving a warm touch... even though i know it isn't too far off.
i'm craving peace of mind, and serenity.
i'm craving confidence and ease.
i'm craving knowledge.
i'm craving stability.
i'm craving rest and sleep.

but most of all, i'm craving you.
the you i have yet to meet.
the you i just let go of.
the you i will see soon.
all of you.

it hurts, but it's OK.

it hurts me SO much to see little kids in pain.
i hate it.
and here i was, thinking that i wanted to go into pediatrics.
pffffft.
no way.
can't do it.
and guess what... that is totally ok.
yup. it's ok.
cuz guess what else.... i didn't really truly want to go into peds anyway.
yup. it's true.
i THOUGHT it was what i wanted.
but after delivering babies and caring for women for 6 weeks, all i wanted was more time in Ob/Gyn.
yup. Ob/Gyn. the ONE THING i KNEW i DIDN'T WANT... yup.
SURPRISE!
and here i thought my HP was all done with surprises for me.
but AGAIN, i was wrong. my HP will never be done surprising me.
i forgot how much i love surprises... it is practically impossible to surprise me.
i'm too wiley for my own good.
i ruin my own surprises all the time.
suprise parties, presents.... ruined... cuz i figure it out or i ask about them incessantly until the bearer of gifts caves.
but not this time!
thanks HP. thanks SO MUCH for letting me see my truth.
for helping me see how much i have to offer.
for showing me what is out there for me and how cool it can be.
so what if i won't be fixing little baby hearts. there are other people out there who won't be so affected by the sadness of it all.
i want to help bring healthy little babies into the world, and help rid women of chronic pain.
yup. it feels like the puzzle piece inside my soul has fallen into place once more.
i wonder how many more pieces are in there that I have yet to see?

amazed. exhausted. lonely. but fulfilled.

my life has been so crazy these past couple of weeks.
recovering from a pediatric illness (stoopid earache).
recovering from the time spent with the boy (stoopid breakup).
and today, recovering from an overnight call at L&D (stoopid schedule).

here i sit. studying, on top of the exhaustion i feel.
all i want to do is lay in bed and eat salty snacks and watch the telly.
but instead i am muscling through... just like i do. when i have so much to do.
i supposed i am a little annoyed with the fact that my to-do list is getting longer and longer as the days go by.
but it will all get done. i'm not too worried.
well... a little worried. cuz that's how i roll.
but mostly, i feel really good about my life.
i can see how my patients react to me and how i am making a difference in their lives.
i can see how like-able i am and how easily i get along with my colleagues.
and most of all, i can see the love and humanity in all that i am doing...
what's better than babies being born?!
and how cool is it that i get to bring new life into the world and share in that joy?!
now i get to see womens' lives being altered by the surgeries i am a part of.

and amongst all this there is the reminder that everything is fragile and can be changed forever without hesitation.
the other day i got to see a friend's life changed forever by a parent dying suddenly, and then i got to watch this person show up for their own life.
then i start to think about my own mom.
and the love she has for me.
and how it never wavers and grows stronger with each passing day.
and how i love that i need her.
and how she has molded me into the woman i am today, for better or for worse.
and then there's my friends.
and how they love me.
and how they remind me that i have no reason to feel alone in all this.
even though i am different from anyone i have ever met.
even though i feel like i am walking this path all alone.
all this, and i know that i am always surrounded by love and i am never alone. never ever.

my ife... amazing. exhausting. lonely. but fulfilling.

i'm just a mammal.

i have so much love to give.
i miss having someone to give it to.
but even more, i miss feeling it in return.
it's at night... when i lay down to go to sleep...
the moment when i'd lay down next to you...
and i would share my day with you,
and you would tell me about yours.
i miss that.
i miss you.
but it's alright.
i know this feeling isn't forever...
i'll be ok. i AM ok.
it just gets hard sometimes.
but it's the moments that it's hard, that i remember that i'm human.
in need of contact... like other humans.
...i'm just a mammal.

my life blows my mind.

i am officially in love... with my life.
i can't believe how lucky i am...
i get to go in to work every morning and shine.
i get to help people.
i get to bring laughter and love into the room.
i get to watch new life come into the world.
i get to experience humanity in all its raw glory.
i get to watch people bleed and be healed.
i get to feel sadness and loss and grow from it.
my life blows my mind.
i am SO glad i signed up for it.

<3.

strange and wonderful.

so i've been feeling good for the past couple of weeks. and given the experience i've had over the last couple of months, it's a welcome change. but at the same time, it feels odd... like i've fallen into someone else's life and this person is happy and fulfilled. it's strange. and wonderful. and i am über grateful for these moments of joy.

i am surrounded by friends. i am meeting new people. i am learning lots of new things. i am about to have countless new adventures. i am growing. and loving. and living.

wish me luck... even though i don't think i need it. cuz i am already stoked on my life. :D

so i am trying to feel powerful... u kno... full of power...

today i want to feel like i have some control over what happens in my life.
even though i know i am kidding myself into thinking i have any control over anything but my actions.
so that is what i will do. i will control my actions today.
i will take care of myself today.
i will work hard today.
and i will know that i did my best today.
that i tried with all my might to be the best Me i can be.

and i do this, not because i want to make anyone proud,
i do this because i know it will make me feel complete. and strong.
and powerful.

so, i'm back

i'm back from the cruise vacation i was supposed to take with you.
i dreamt of you while i was there. it was a bad dream...
not because you were in it, but because it made me feel bad.
but it's ok.

i'm glad i got to go on the trip but there were moments that i wish you were there.
with me.
holding me. giggling with me. loving me.

i still miss you... i wish i could stop the feelings i have.
perhaps i am overwhelmed because i am back. here. in my reality.
but maybe i just still miss you and that is ok too.

from left to right: the girl who takes care of me, and me.

i miss you.

sometimes

sometimes i forget all the reasons why we are doing this.
and then i remember.

sometimes i fantasize about taking another trip with you.
and then i remember our last trip together.

sometimes i think about how i could be all the things you want me to be.
and then i remember how much i matter to me. and how i can't be true to one of us without lying to the other.

sometimes it hurts so bad.
and then it subsides and it is all ok.

sometimes i wish this would end so i could just go back to my life.
and then i remember... this is all part of my reality.
... and in order to appreciate all that i will have, i need to fully experience all that i am losing.

i miss you everyday.
it hurts a little everyday.
i cry a little everyday.
soon it will stop, i know...
...but right now i am still healing.

the process

... it comes in waves.
i find myself alone and feeling fine. strong. empowered. in faith.
and then it washes over me. like a trickle of ice cold water down my spine.
reminding me that i am made of flesh and bone. and that i feel pain.
and then it comes... the sadness. the fear.
and with it comes the loneliness. and the silence, so loud it rings in my ears.
it comes and knocks me down as though i were made of straw.
and i fall. hard.
i double over in pain so deep it can only be as a result of something beautiful.
only something of great beauty could cause this much agony.
it hurts.
and then, just when i think i might not see the other side, it's gone.
and i am left reeling and exhausted.
my eyes swollen from the rush of tears they have just been forced to endure.
my chest, heaving from the lack of breath.
and i am alright. safe. alone. unafraid.
taking comfort in the fact that i have been through worse and come out the other side a better Me.
it will be ok. it IS ok. i am ok.
i am whole.

ever grateful, for the process... the good and the bad,
C.

so this is goodbye

it is really hard to say goodbye, and i miss him already, but i know we are both gonna be ok. even though it hurts my heart.

we know it is for the best, but that doesn't make it any easier to let go. and that is what i am doing... i'm letting go. slowly. but surely.

jmoo, you have a piece of my heart. a piece i never gave to anyone until i met you. and i know it will be in good hands. you can keep it. it is for you. thanks for letting me love you so much. i needed it.

but i don't need it anymore. so take it. it's yours. and i will be ok if i never see it again.

Johnny Cupcakes on Melrose.

♥ Macarons ♥

These are raspberry, black sesame, and vanilla.

Created by Mad Baker.

natalie dee. callin' it like it is.

true. love.

♥

rainbows just make the day brighter.

don'tcha think?