Sunday, October 16, 2011

in love with love

so i just left my friend,
who i was lucky enough to have ALL to my self tonight,
and we are both blissfully happy.
which makes me blissfully happy.
because everyone deserves to feel the way i feel on the daily.
and if any one person deserves it more than everyone else,
it's her.

she is wonderful, kind, and full of love and warmth,
and i am SO glad she has love in her life.
because she has been super happy for me over the past few months,
and even though she has been wanting the same thing for herself,
she never made me feel as though she was jealous or resentful of my joy.
she was supportive.
and loving.
and sincerely happy for me.
and now i get to return the favor.
which makes me ecstatic.

life is good.
i've missed her.
and i'm glad we got to share our love with each other.
because love is awesome.
i ♡ love!


so i dropped EJ off at the station earlier tonight,
and as i was on my way home, all by my lonesome,
i was struck with a terrible loneliness.
a sadness.
a feeling i haven't had in a long, long time.

i realized that i am kinda sorta having a hard time.
i miss my girlfriends.
a ton.
i miss having girls around me who love me and support me.
i miss relating to them and listening to their experiences.
i miss the mutuality.

the girls that are left, the ones who haven't moved away,
don't include me in the things they do.
i'm not one of them, i guess.
i don't know.
maybe they just don't like me.
maybe they think i don't like them.
all i know is that first CL moved and now KD,
and i am just starting to feel a wee bit unsteady.

maybe i am too hard on people and i don't give them enough of a chance?
maybe i am just not easy to get along with?
maybe i just don't fit in. again.
whatever it is, i just wish it was easier for me to make friends.

as it is, i already feel like my life is compartmentalized.
my school life is separate from my fellowship time...
so i already feel like i am drifting from one place to the other with little-to-no crossover in between...
which makes the absence of the women in my life all the more pronounced.
they were all i had holding me together outside of the stress of school.
and now the numbers are dwindling and i am starting to feel alone.

and while i am totally grateful to have enough time in my life to actually miss being around my friends,
and while i am super stoked that i get to study with my school bestie (i've missed her too),
i still wish i had my friends back.
because i don't think i should feel this alone.
i feel like i am more like-able than this.
maybe i'm not?

i guess i'll just have to try harder.
even though i wish i didn't have to try at all.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

wondering if i'm ruining

so, i've been told time and time again that i think too much.
and that i worry too much.
and so on.

but do i?
do i, really??


for the past few days i've been in the throws of a smothering.
i am officially smothering my relationship.
and i wish i could stop.
but i'm stuck.
because i need his help.

and even though i totally realize that if the tables were turned,
i wouldn't hesitate to help him the way he is helping me,
i can't help but feel like every night we spend together
is just one step closer to killing the spark that remains in our relationship.

i hear him tell me it's fine.
i hear him when he says everything is ok between us.
i hear him.
but inside me something is screaming,
"leave! go sleep in your car! go anywhere else! you're ruining it!!"
my mind is clearly a jerk.
and i clearly have trust issues.
but all that being said,
i wish i could quiet the feeling inside me that is telling me that with each passing night
he is falling just a little more out of love with me.

which is more than likely not true.
so the real question becomes...
why do i choose to believe the worst things my brain tell me?
instead of choosing to believe the man who loves me?
i wonder.