Saturday, December 17, 2011

i'm gonna enjoy.

hey there.

so i've been on vacation for the past 10 days.
and i am still not sick of being on vacation.

i still have over 3 weeks left, and i'm sure that i'll be ready for life again by then...
but for now, i am reveling in the lack of things to do,
and the endless supply of inane things to watch on teevee.
netflix and cable are bringing me joy and i am not ashamed to admit it.

this is pretty much the last time i am going to enjoy this kind of freedom from responsibiltiy.
probably ever.
i haven't enjoyed a break this long in over 3 years,
and it is unlikely i will enjoy it again.

so i am not going to judge myself for sleeping in until noon everyday.
and i am not going to shame myself for eating a bowl of cereal twice a day.
i am going to enjoy it.
and love it.
because after this i may not be able to say, "i don't have anything to do today."
and i don't want to waste this time thinking i should be doing something.
when there is truly nothing to be done.
for real.
and that is wonderful.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

a run-in with the past

it's amazing, the clarity you get with time and distance.
tonight i saw someone i haven't seen in about a year.
(it's been a really good year.)
and i'm glad i had space from him and his way of being.
he has not changed a bit,
even though he claims to have grown up "a lot"...
but objectivism has never been his strong point,
especially since he runs on self.
and maybe i'm just as confused as he is when i think i've changed too...
except i have been told that i am indeed different than i was when we were together.

i have grown into myself over the past couple of years and i have a lot to be grateful for.
and being around him reminded me of my immense gratitude for the life i have today.
i am honest and true to myself in every area possible.
i have love and laughter in my life.
i have a sense of purpose and an outlet for my passion.
i'm living wholly and truly.
and while i suppose my past has led me to my present,
i have a tiny twinge of regret when i think about the time i spent with him.
i know it was real in the moment,
but if reality is so malleable,
then what's to say my life today is any more real?
or any less real.
(deep. whoa.)

anyway, i guess i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that
the chapter of my life with him in it has been over for some time.
and i couldn't be happier about it.
if our paths cross again, it won't ruin my day or anything like that,
but it isn't necessary.
and it would be fine if it didn't happen again.

it's kinda like a town that you have visited on more than one occasion,
thinking it will be better the next time.
and it never is.
it's like that.
only with a dude, instead of a town.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

it's time.

so i have been putting this part off for some time,
but it has become evident that the time has come to deal.
i want what i want, and i want it to be mine.
so the time has come to line all the ducks up and knock 'em down one at a time.

i've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking with people in my field.
people who know what i'm about to embark on.
and they all have opinions.
and suggestions.
and algorithms.
but i need to find the one that fits me (which is not an easy task).
because sincerity outshines overcompensation... every time.
and i want to do things because of their underlying purpose,
not to fill up space on my CV.

i want to shine the way i know i can shine.
and lately i've been feeling rusty and dull.
which is only my perception, i know, but it Feels real.

anyway, i guess all i am saying is:
now i know what i need to do to get what i want.
and i think i am ready to do it.
all of it.
because i am staying in LA for residency.
and i am going to be happy.
for real.
and i will not cry on Match Day.
no way.
because i will know what is coming before it happens.
i will know in my gut... the place inside me i have learned to trust.
i will know it with every fiber of my being that i am on the right path.
because that feeling hasn't failed me yet.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


so it's been a little over 7 months now, and i am officially more in love than i have ever been in my entire life.
this relationship is so perfect that i find myself questioning it and worrying about it a ton.
i feel like i'm gonna break it or something, even though it is far too awesome for little me to be able break it.
but still. i worry.
i'm constantly checking in with him to make sure he feels as good as i do.
and guess what... he does.

i have never been this happy with anyone. not ever.
he understands me.
he supports me.
he encourages me to be me... even when i'm being retarded and crazy.
he always makes me feel safe.
he tells me he loves me and i know he means it.
we are totally doing this relationship thing!
and i think we're doing it well.

as the days continue to pass us by,
i hope i can stay in the moment more...
so that i can enjoy where we are with each other.
because before i know it, this part of the relationship will be behind us.
and we will have spent our lives together.
and i'll wish i had this time to revel in the love we have for each other.
and the way it's growing everyday.
because this part only happens once.
and i don't want to miss it because i was too busy thinking about tomorrow and not about today.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

in love with love

so i just left my friend,
who i was lucky enough to have ALL to my self tonight,
and we are both blissfully happy.
which makes me blissfully happy.
because everyone deserves to feel the way i feel on the daily.
and if any one person deserves it more than everyone else,
it's her.

she is wonderful, kind, and full of love and warmth,
and i am SO glad she has love in her life.
because she has been super happy for me over the past few months,
and even though she has been wanting the same thing for herself,
she never made me feel as though she was jealous or resentful of my joy.
she was supportive.
and loving.
and sincerely happy for me.
and now i get to return the favor.
which makes me ecstatic.

life is good.
i've missed her.
and i'm glad we got to share our love with each other.
because love is awesome.
i ♡ love!


so i dropped EJ off at the station earlier tonight,
and as i was on my way home, all by my lonesome,
i was struck with a terrible loneliness.
a sadness.
a feeling i haven't had in a long, long time.

i realized that i am kinda sorta having a hard time.
i miss my girlfriends.
a ton.
i miss having girls around me who love me and support me.
i miss relating to them and listening to their experiences.
i miss the mutuality.

the girls that are left, the ones who haven't moved away,
don't include me in the things they do.
i'm not one of them, i guess.
i don't know.
maybe they just don't like me.
maybe they think i don't like them.
all i know is that first CL moved and now KD,
and i am just starting to feel a wee bit unsteady.

maybe i am too hard on people and i don't give them enough of a chance?
maybe i am just not easy to get along with?
maybe i just don't fit in. again.
whatever it is, i just wish it was easier for me to make friends.

as it is, i already feel like my life is compartmentalized.
my school life is separate from my fellowship time...
so i already feel like i am drifting from one place to the other with little-to-no crossover in between...
which makes the absence of the women in my life all the more pronounced.
they were all i had holding me together outside of the stress of school.
and now the numbers are dwindling and i am starting to feel alone.

and while i am totally grateful to have enough time in my life to actually miss being around my friends,
and while i am super stoked that i get to study with my school bestie (i've missed her too),
i still wish i had my friends back.
because i don't think i should feel this alone.
i feel like i am more like-able than this.
maybe i'm not?

i guess i'll just have to try harder.
even though i wish i didn't have to try at all.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

wondering if i'm ruining

so, i've been told time and time again that i think too much.
and that i worry too much.
and so on.

but do i?
do i, really??


for the past few days i've been in the throws of a smothering.
i am officially smothering my relationship.
and i wish i could stop.
but i'm stuck.
because i need his help.

and even though i totally realize that if the tables were turned,
i wouldn't hesitate to help him the way he is helping me,
i can't help but feel like every night we spend together
is just one step closer to killing the spark that remains in our relationship.

i hear him tell me it's fine.
i hear him when he says everything is ok between us.
i hear him.
but inside me something is screaming,
"leave! go sleep in your car! go anywhere else! you're ruining it!!"
my mind is clearly a jerk.
and i clearly have trust issues.
but all that being said,
i wish i could quiet the feeling inside me that is telling me that with each passing night
he is falling just a little more out of love with me.

which is more than likely not true.
so the real question becomes...
why do i choose to believe the worst things my brain tell me?
instead of choosing to believe the man who loves me?
i wonder.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

♥ Maui ♥

a few days ago i returned from the most amazing trip i have ever taken in my whole entire life.
i went to Maui with Erek and it is hard to describe how incredible it was.
i feel as though words can't do it justice.
we shared experiences that i am certain were one of a kind,
and for lack of a better (and less cheesy) way of saying it,
it was Magical.

we swam in waterfalls.
we hiked through rain forests.
we drank sugar cane juice and ate coconuts.
we walked on black sand beaches.
we climbed on volcanic rocks.
we ventured into a lava tube.
we watched the sunrise from beneath the clouds at the top of the island.
we snorkeled in clear blue water off the coast of a volcanic crater.
we saw a dolphins and a sea turtle.
we saw a sky full of stars.
we held each other in the pouring rain.

the beauty and peace we found on this trip was awesome.
(like for real... it inspired awe. seriously.)
it felt like it wasn't truly real... it was almost too perfect and too lovely.
but as unbelievable as it was, it really happened.
and i am so glad it did.

this is the kind of trip you want to re-live over and over.
and even though i desperately want to go back again,
i don't ever want to try to recreate what we shared there,
because i feel like it would spoil the magic of it all.

this trip lined up like the stars... just right.
everything was Perfect.
(and i don't tend to throw that word around a lot.)

our location was just right,
the weather cooperated,
we had everything we needed,
and best of all we got to share it with each other.
and that might have been what made the trip as beautiful as it was.
i couldn't have imagined sharing that experience with anyone else.
we were on the same page the whole time.
there was no stress.
no rushing.
no arguing.
we both had things that we wanted to do,
and we wanted to do them with each other.

i'll post more pictures soon,
but here are just a few.
i hope you enjoy them,
because i certainly did.
(and Domo did too. :D)

Monday, September 12, 2011

i can hardly believe it's over...

so, as most of you know, i've been studying for weeks on end.
it's been pretty much non-stop since August 1st.
i've been busting my ass, taking exam after exam,
all in preparation for today.
and now today is over.
and i am done.
i've taken Step 2 and i can finally breathe a sigh of relief.
i won't get my score for several weeks,
but this time i know i tried my best.
i went in as prepared as i could be.
i reviewed as much as i could.
and i showed up... which was the most important part of it all.

it's weird not having anything to do.
(except pack for Maui!!!)
but not having to read or do practice questions is kinda strange.
it's like i'm forgetting something, but i'm not.
because i don't have to do any more practice questions.
and i don't have to read that shitty little Secrets book anymore.
all done.

until the next exam.
which is a couple of years away, thank GOD!

now, i just have to tan, get a mani-pedi, and pack my bags.
after all this hard work, i finally get the prize.
and i get to share it with my fella.
who showed up for me in the best way.
he's incredible and this trip is going to be amazing.
i can't wait!

Monday, September 5, 2011

in case i have forgotten to mention it...

i've never been so in love in all my life.
i get it now... what people have been talking about.

holy hell... it's amazing!

this guy rocks my world on the daily. ♡

Thursday, September 1, 2011

putting myself to the test.

every now and again there comes a time in everyone's life when they are forced to push themselves.
this is one of those times.

i am preparing for yet another Board exam.
these things suck. bad.
it's an all-day affair (8 hours of testing), with limited breaks...
and i am basically being tested on a year's worth of material (if not more).
it is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting.

not only am i completely aware of how it will feel (this is the 2nd Board exam i am taking),
but i have been studying for weeks.
and i am reaching an emotional limit.
my world is super small.
it has been condensed down to a pitiful state of crappy-ness.
it currently consists of 8-12 hours a day on my couch in front of my computer.
when i'm not on the laptop, i'm reading facts and memorizing medications, formulas, and equations.
it sucks.
and i wouldn't wish this on anyone.

the last exam didn't go so well... i was kind of a wreck.
i couldn't eat that day because my stomach was turning.
i didn't sleep right the night before because i knew i wasn't ready.
it was one of the worst days of my life.
and i'm not exaggerating.
(i wish i was.)
so mentally preparing myself for this experience is an ordeal.

i feel better this time around, and i know i am working hard.
really really hard.
it's draining.
and i know this is only temporary,
and i can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel,
but that doesn't always help me in moments when i just want to give up and stop.
even though i know i really can't stop.
because i'm not done learning.

so i have to remember that all of this is just a test.
(literally... i am just studying for a test.)
but it's also a test of will. a test of endurance and strength.
a challenge.
and i seem to be facing it.
i feel like i'm doing good work.
i hope i am anyway.
my amazing boyfriend tells me that i am... and i trust him completely so i believe him.
even though i doubt myself all the time.
but knowing that i am the toughest woman he knows is inspiring.
i like being tough.
(because inside i feel like a little squishy thing.)
his faith in me makes me stronger.
i'm so grateful for it.

thank GOD for him.
he amazes me everyday.
and knowing that he believes in me helps me believe in myself when i don't feel like i can.

so now i'm off to bed.
i put in a good day of work.
i'm going to get some good sleep.
i'm gonna wake up, work out, study my ass off, maybe tan a little, and then see my guy...
who i love more than i've ever loved anyone in my whole life.
i'm pretty lucky. :)

good night and thanks for reading.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

pam and jim

watching the episodes leading up to pam and jim becoming pam&jim is making me really squishy.

that is all.

Monday, August 1, 2011

nothing to explain

pure joy = not needing to explain.

there's no need to justify what i say to him,
he just lets me be me.
all the time.
he can see me for who i am all of the time.
no hiding, no judgement.
just grace.
and love.
and warm sincerity.
all of the time.
no need for me to fear that i am feeling too much.
because there isn't too much.
it's all just enough.
because... how can a feeling be wrong?
I Love the Way I'm Feeling.
and i don't need to explain it to him or to you or to me.
it just is.
and i am overjoyed.

lacking motivation

why is it that i need a fire under my ass to get motivated?!
i am sitting here. wasting time. when i should be studying.
instead i am watching inane shows on the telly and facebooking my face off.
i know i will regret the wasted time, but i am up against a wall...
and the wall reads: "i don't wanna!"

i called my people for a pep talk, and it worked for about 5 minutes.
i swear i wonder how i've made it through medical school...
it's some sort of miracle!

anyway, i just wanted to vent and i figured that this might be a good place.
i'm going to try to stop watching Russell Brand and Jonah Hill and start reading about the brain.
ugh... sounds awful.
but i gots to.
it's now or never.
for real.


Saturday, July 23, 2011

it's gonna be different.

this day.
this night.
this moment.

this relationship.

this rotation.
this exam.
this degree.

it's all going to be different.
and i am glad.
because everything leading up to this has been a lesson.
preparing me for change.
for the newness of it all.
and the newness is glorious.

i have not walked into this blind.
i have seen this change coming for some time.
i anticipated it.
and i welcomed it with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart.

i no longer fear change.
because it has proven itself to be beautiful.
seriously beautiful.

i'm so glad i have walked the path that has led me to this point.
my life is different today.
it has grown and is full of beauty and love and gratitude.

and i am so glad i have someone to share it with.
it makes me super happy.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

our little hearts

so i can barely believe that my life is this full of love.
it's so much love, that i feel like my little heart is going to explode.
in a good way.

my friends are super supportive and make time to see me,
even though my schedule is complete shit.
my mom is incredible and she is always there for me...
no matter what.
and then there is my fella.
who never makes me feel like i'm doing it wrong.
he lets me feel my feelings, even when they are ridiculous.
he is showing me love in a way i have never known.
he comforts me. he soothes me. and he supports me in everything i do.
he is perfect. and i can't believe how important we are to each other.
it's the most beautiful relationship i have ever had the privilege to share.
and i don't know if anything will ever hold a candle to this. ever.
the level of understanding we have for each other is lovely.
and our respect for each other is amazing.
the way he looks into my eyes... sometimes i swear he is looking right at my soul.

i know it's still early, and while i'm truly enjoying every moment we get to share with each other,
it takes effort, at times, to stay in the moment.
with him.
given that i feel the way i feel.
but if i know anything for sure, it is that our respective HPs have a lot of love for us.
because they have given us to each other in the most remarkable way.
and we are lucky to have stumbled into each other.
i am so grateful!!!
i feel like i am being given a gift everyday...
i hope i make him feel the same way.
because his little heart is beautiful.
and it should feel like it is about to explode too.
in a good way.
from the love.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

just remember this:

as i lay my head down on my pillow to go to sleep tonight...
i am thinking about shit i have no business thinking about.
which is DEFINITELY NOT the way to go.

i am losing my grip on reality.
and it sucks.

so for now,
i think i need to remember that i am awesome
and that the past has nothing to do with me
and my present and future are all that matters.

because the past will not change.
and i have everything i want and/or need.
and i will not be comforted with the knowledge of what has been.
because i really don't want to know.

so if i can remember anything in this moment...
it's this:
mind your own business, Carla.
everything else has nothing to do with you.
leave it alone.
and go to sleep.
you need the rest.

Thursday, June 30, 2011


ok, so if you have ever seen me pushed to the limit,
i tend to freak out.
just a little.
but it still counts as a freak out, for sure.
it has gotten WAY better in the past year or two,
but i still need some reassurance from time to time.
and i lean on those closest to me during these moments.

tonight, i called one of my Besties and she talked me off the ledge.
(i then promptly crawled back out onto said ledge.)
then the bf called, and i came to realize after we got off the phone,
that he has a recipe that works.

it is really simple,
but it has never failed.
and here it is...

top 3 Erek-isms:
"that's great, Honey!"
"sounds great, Honey."
"you're gonna do great, Honey."

i can totally hear him saying it as i am reading it now on my laptop screen.
it's perfect.
whether i am telling him about some boring shit i just learned,
or asking him if he wants to go see some movie or do some random thing with me,
it's perfect. it just works.

and when i need to be reassured,
and reminded that it is all gonna be ok...
it works then too.

i'm so grateful for his sanity when i'm losing it.
he is so supportive, and positive, and real.
it helps me. it centers me. it's super nice.

the pressure i put on myself is overwhelming,
it makes me feel like something is smashing me down,
crushing me.
it gets hard to breathe.
all i can do is cry it out a little and call the people who love me so they can distract me and calm me.
it's great that all i need is a little, "........., Honey."
to make it all better.
i love it.
and it is super convenient for him too.
because it comes naturally to him.
which is awesome.

i'm SO glad he was there to "honey" me.
i needed it.
and i feel a bit better.
still stressed,
but better.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

good job

it's really all i need... a little bit of positive reinforcement on a job well done.
it makes me feel like all the hard work i'm putting in is worth it.
i know i should be able to validate myself in this way,
but when i don't really know what it means to do well in my daily work,
it's really reeeally nice when someone takes 2 seconds to tell me i am doing well.

yesterday at the hospital, i was told that i was doing a good job.
by 2 different people.
2 words, and my day got way better.
i have been busting my ass for 6 weeks.
i was basically treated like a turd on the bottom of your shoe for 4 out of those weeks.
and then today, 2 weeks in to the 2nd half of my IM rotation i was given some positive reinforcement.
and it felt as though no one had said 'good job' to me in forever.
i KNOW this isn't true...
i'm not deluding myself; it just came at a good time...
i was post-call and only got a few hours of sleep,
and was really hustling all day to make sure my interns didn't have to work too hard to manage my patients.
i can only do SO much, since my signature is only valid at the cafeteria & gift shop,
but i did as much as i could so they only had to sign off on stuff vs. having to fill out a shit-ton of paperwork and run around like crazy people.
i want them to count on me.
so that i can show them (and me) what i am truly capable of.
in only 2 short years i am going to be a real doctor.
which is exciting and scary.
and i want my colleagues to know that i can do it and that i will do it well.

i know people can tell that i care.
it is the only area i consistently feel that i shine... my patient interaction is amazing...
mostly because i Really Do care and i try to show it to my team in addition to showing my patients.
and while my whole team doesn't necessarily feel this way
(one of my residents pretty much talks to me like i am wearing a helmet and i rode the short bus to the hospital),
i know i am gaining their trust and that i am learning a whole lot in the process.

this year is looking like it is going to end well.
and i can hardly believe that i am almost a 4th year medical student!
Good Job, Me.
I'm REALLY Doing It!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011


so this is it.
i think i'm done.
i think i've found it.
(or it found me.)
whatever the case, i feel like i am home after a long journey into the middle of nowhere and back.
at peace. joyful. comfortable. loved.
and while i know i was already whole, now i feel complete.
this is so beautiful and effortless i can hardly stand it.
this is really something special.
i hope it lasts, because i can't imagine feeling any differently than i feel right now.
i am truly happy.
and the love in my heart is ridiculous.

i don't know if you are reading this, EJ, but if you are...
know this:
you make me happier than i ever knew i could be.
your sense of security is admirable.
the warmth of your heart is incredible.
your honesty is comforting.
your actions are full of grace and trust.
you never make me feel like i can't be me
and in return you are always sincere and genuine.
you inspire me with your ability to see past the ridiculousness of situations.
you make me laugh when i need to the most.
and you make me feel like the most special girl in the world.
so there.
i hope i didn't give you a cavity.
because i am just being honest.
cuz that's how i roll. :)

thank you for being so good to me.
you are truly wonderful, and i am the luckiest girl in the land.
xo, baby.

a letter to the fledglings.

i was asked to compose a letter to the incoming 3rd year medical students. this is what i wrote (i hope they enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it):

Dear Class of 2013:

Congratulations on starting 3rd year! You are about to begin one of the most interesting and special times of your life. It’s one of the many milestones in your journey to becoming a doctor. It will help you grow, and it will shape you and your view of medicine as a career. And it will change you whether you want it to or not. (Hopefully for the better.)

This year is huge. Seriously. It is a big deal. And I know you are going to love it. And at times you are also going to hate it. But regardless of how you feel about it, you are going to remember the experiences you have this year for the rest of your life. You will do a lot things for the first time (and some for the last time) this year. You are going to deliver babies (and countless placentas), you are going to help sick kids (and adults), and you may even get to amputate someone’s toes. This is your time to get as much experience as you can with as much as you can. Because after this year, most of you are going to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life, and you may never get to do some of these things again. So if someone says to you, “Hey, you wanna go see Dr. What’s-his-face do a Whateverectomy?” You should say, “Yes, please!” because you might never see another whateverectomy for as long as you live.

You are going to be tired (Soooooooo tired!!)… and on top of it you will have to study for your shelf exams, but you will do it because you have to. And you will get through it… I promise.

If I can offer you any advice, it is this: Sleep when you can. Spend time with the people that matter to you whenever humanly possible. And most importantly, do your best as often as possible. Because people will notice, and you will be proud of yourself when it is all over.

I wish you the best of luck… but you don’t need it… because You are going to rock it.

Have fun, study hard, stay safe, and don’t recap any needles. :)



This past year has been really hectic…. To say the least.

I went into it with a clear idea of what I wanted to do, and came out of it wanting something completely different. I started the year scared, and I’m finishing it off terrified. I learned a huge amount of information and am slowly forgetting a lot of it. I failed more times than I succeeded, and I made countless mistakes only to make more. But regardless of all the rough feelings I have had about this year, it has been one of the best years of my life. For real. Because this past year has been a gift. A privilege. An experience very few people get to partake in… it was amazing, and horrible, and wonderful… and I will remember it for the rest of my life.

A lot of feelings have come up this year:
I have never felt more full of purpose. I have felt useful throughout the year, and not only because I am able to help my team with orders and notes and procedures, but because I know that I have touched people’s lives and they have touched mine in return. I have developed relationships with people who may one day become my patients. I have grown closer to my classmates. I have learned how to tell people, “I don’t know.” I am starting to take ownership of my patients and the decisions I am making in their care. I am constantly reminded that I am someone people want to work with, and that my patients appreciate me and know that I care about them. I am slowly becoming the doctor I have wanted to be since the beginning of this long journey – and although this is a slow process, I can definitely see progress. I feel like I was afraid to take risks at the beginning of the year – I didn’t want to make any mistakes… partially because I know people’s lives are at stake, but also because I don’t want to fail. Failure is scary. And I tend to take it personally. Well, that has been an area of growth for me this year – I am learning how to make mistakes gracefully and how to let things go (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly). I am growing up. And while I realize that I am still full of fear as I go through my day, I know that I am not alone and that this is normal. And I am learning to walk through the fear, rather than letting it rule me. I guess you could say that I am gaining confidence with each passing day. I know I am. I just wish it would come faster. I long for the day that I feel like I know what is best for my patient. And I trust myself to make the right call.

At this stage in my education and career, I feel like I am ready to push myself harder than I have pushed myself thus far. I am ready to reach out and grab the thing I want most – an Ob/Gyn residency in Los Angeles. I want to honor my needs and desires, and I am ready to work hard to make it happen. I feel like this year has prepared me for this time. I am ready to start being a better student and a better worker. I want what I want, and nothing is going to stand in my way.

I am grateful for this past year and how it has shaped me. I know that I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be, but I am closer to my ideal now than I have ever been before. I feel blessed…. and grateful...
For all that I have gained and all that I have lost.
Goodbye, 3rd year… Hello, Everything Else.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


i feel like i want to crawl in a teeny tiny hole and disappear.
i know it's silly, but if i have learned anything over the past 11 & a half years,
it's that i should honor my feelings no matter how ludicrous they might be.
and this one is denifitely Retarded.

i am overcome with fear.
and it is infuriating.
it is also extremely uncomfortable.

i am surrounded with love in so many areas of my life,
but i am perseverating on the fact that
i show up to work everyday and get shit on just a little bit.
it's not a lot, just a tad...
but i am so fucking sensitive that it feels like a dump truck's worth.
which is also maddening.
Why The Fuck Can't I Have Tougher Skin?!
it's hard to remember that i am there to do my best and be the best 'me' i can be,
when i am not comfortable being me with the people i am working with.

so, i need to remember the other lessons i have been taught:
when in fear, act as though that fear has been removed.
take contrary action.
act in faith, rather than in fear.
come from a place of love.
do the right things, so i won't have to amend my mistakes later.
and Most importantly...
Be The Best Me I Can Be No Matter What.
because the voice inside my head,
albeit quieter than it has been in years,
is still lying to me,
and i don't need to believe the lie today.

today i speak my mind.
today i get to honor my feelings and my needs.
the little girl inside me that desires a voice, actually gets to speak her mind today.
and i deserve to carry that courage into every area of my life.
because that is who i am and who i want to be.

so there.
Take THAT Fear.
You are Not the Boss of Me.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

i wish...

i wish i had more time to be creative.
and make cool and amazing things happen.
there just aren't enough hours in the day!

i guess becoming a doctor will have to be enough...

the grass is always greener, i guess.
no matter how green it is over here.
and now that i stop and take a look...
it's pretty effing green.
so i'm gonna be quiet now.

Good Night.

point of clarification.

just so we're clear...
Even if You show me Your crazy,
I am Still not allowed to Face-Shove you with Mine.
not because i am not empowered.
and not because i have lost the power of choice.
but because that's Just not how i'm rollin' these days.
besides, crazy doesn't go well with my complexion. 
so don't make me ruin.
cuz it's not that i'm not capable...
we are ALL capable of falling out.
I just can't live with those kind of consequences anymore.
no matter how hard my heart pounds in my chest.
no matter how much i want to scream at you to try and talk some "sense" into you.
i would rather be comfortable than prove to You that I am Right.

today, i am taking my power back.
because when i am sincere, and speak with purpose
(rather than with volume),
i stay at peace with myself.
because I won't have to amend my behavior later.
because that shit is humiliating.
especially when You are such a shitbag.

That is all.
Good talk.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

saying goodbye

today i said goodbye to a patient i have been following since my first day at Cedars.
he went home, so it was a good goodbye.
but it made me sad.
because he is still so sick.
but we all wanted him to go home.
and today he was finally ready.
(he had been in the hospital since the first week of May, so it was definitely time.)

anyway, i got a little misty when i went by his room to bid him farewell.
i know i am a little sick (like for real, with a fever and the sniffles),
so i am not as emotionally stable as i usually am...
which i am sure played a part in my reaction to the situation.
but i also feel like i connected with this patient in an honest and real way.
and that is an incredibly beautiful thing.
a thing that most people don't get in their day-to-day lives.

so today, i want to take a minute to express my gratitude for the relationships i am blessed with in my daily work.
i am honored to be a part of people's lives in this way.
it is amazing. and beautiful.
and i am a better human because of it.

Monday, May 23, 2011

i had no idea what it could be like.

i thought i knew happiness.
i really really did.
but i think i got it confused with something else.
because today, right now, i am truly happy...
and it is not consistent with my prior experience of what i 'thought' happiness in a relationship was supposed to feel like.
it is peaceful, joyful, healthy, and serene.
it's perfect.

i look back on how i have felt in the past, and it was not like this at all.
it was full of turmoil and pain and fear.
it was wrought with insecurity and lack of trust.
it was dishonest and devoid of hope.
it was a lie.

and i don't say this to discount that experience,
because it was something that has shaped me and my current relationships,
but it was unhealthy, and desperate, and i don't even recognize who i was during that period of time.
i was never myself.
and while i'm tempted to say that i wasn't 'permitted' to be myself...
that would also be a lie.
because no one forced me to hide the parts of myself that made him uncomfortable.
no one twisted my arm so that i would make myself small and voiceless.
no one demanded that i act from a place of fear and ignore my instincts.
no one made me do any of it.
it was a choice.
and looking back, it was a shitty one.

today i am at peace.
i feel loved. by him.
and in return, i feel true and honest love. for him.
a love that has been growing inside me for years.
a love that never had a purpose or a direction.
until now.

this is real.
and it is a little scary.
because i am not trying to control it.
it has a life of it's own...
it is growing with every passing day.
and it is flourishing in a way that i never thought it could.
and it is beautiful.
everyday i love him more and more.
granted, i loved him before we even started seeing each other...
because he is amazing...
but it has evolved into something different.
and what i felt for him then was only a fraction of what i feel for him now.
i am falling in love. with him. slowly. deeply. effortlessly.

i'll look at him, or he'll hold me, and i can't believe that this is happening.
it is too wonderful to be my reality, but it's as real as the ground i am standing on.
and just like the ground, i trust in it and i know it won't let me fall.

we tell each other how we are feeling.
i ask him important questions and he responds honestly and openly.
i tell him that i'm scared and he acknowledges it and honors it.
he is a man and he helps me feel like a woman.
it is beyond awesome.

i feel like i've been waiting my entire life for someone to allow me to feel this way.
to let me give my love completely and without condition.
and here he is.
perfectly mine.
and he has always been here.
first as an acquaintance, and then as a friend...
and now as so much more.
i never dreamed things could change so much in such a short period of time.

i know that everything happens for a reason and in it's own time,
but if i had known things could be this way i probably wouldn't have been so apprehensive to begin with.
i can't believe i was almost too scared to let this happen.
i really really was.
scared of what might get lost if we decided to start seeing each other.
because the thought of losing his friendship was too much to bear.
thank god i didn't let my fear rule me.
because this is too good to be true.
and i never knew i could be this happy.
for real.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

back in it. for real.

so, i have been hanging on to some negative criticism lately.
it mostly centers around work/school.
which just so happens to be the one area of my life where i feel the least powerless and the most inadequate.
(SOooo not a coincidence!!)

anyway, i got a negative evaluation a few weeks ago.
and it crushed me.
which is ridiculous, but very real.
so i got upset.
and i felt hurt.
and ashamed <--- this one i am REALLY good at.
and i did my best to let it go.
but i couldn't.

i couldn't get it out of my head.
no matter what people said to me, and what everyone thought of me.
so i made a decision to make it a positive thing.
i vowed to rock the shit out of my internal medicine rotation.
my last hardcore rotation of the year.
and right now, i feel like i am keeping my promise to myself.

yesterday i was told that i am 'outstanding' and 'extremely bright'.
that i am performing 'above and beyond expectations'.
and i was told to take on more patients because i am 'obviously capable'.

well, this was all i needed to feel like i am on the right path.
like i am doing the right thing.
fulfilling my purpose and doing good, strong work.
a little positive reinforcement goes a long way with me.
for real.

and now, i feel amazing.
and i needed to hear every word my attending said.
because this was on the heels of being talked to like a fool by another person on my service, and being made to feel like an imbecile.
so it came at exactly the right time.
and i think i deserved the praise because i am pretty sure i earned it.
and i hope to continue to earn it.

i am definitely back in it.
to win it.
for real.
and i am feeling more and more confident every day.
i feel smart and capable.
i feel supported and loved and whole.

and once again i am extremely grateful for the bad because it is bringing about so much good.
once again i am reminded that i have no idea what is good for me.
until i get out of my own way for just a moment and do the footwork necessary to align myself with my true purpose:
i am here to learn,
and to work hard,
and to get as much out of the time i am spending with my patients as is humanly possible.
because they count on me.
they need me to advocate for them.
to act as their voice, when they are not being heard.
to try to comfort them when they are frustrated and scared.
and to help them take care of themselves when they don't know how.
i am, as far as they are concerned, their 'doctor'.
i am responsible, in part, for their care.
and they need to feel that they are getting the best care possible.
because if they don't feel this way, then i have failed them.
and if you know me at all, you know i despise failing.
i just don't do it well at all.

so i am gonna keep up the good work.
because it is not about me.
it is about humanity.
and care and concern for the people i see everyday.
it is about respect.
and love.
and hope.
and i am blessed to be a part of it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

i think i need a moment.

so i'm sitting in my living room, trying to figure out how the eff i'm supposed to learn all this medical stuff.
it's seriously overwhelming and it makes me want to take a nap... really really hard.

i know i'm never gonna know it all.
this is a fact.
i'm a 3rd year medical student, and people that have been practicing for years don't even know it all by memory.
i know this.
but it is still a daunting task.
because the exam i have to take in a few weeks doesn't care that my brain can't fit all this information in it.
and it doesn't care that i seem to have a terrible memory lately.
it is merely a hurdle i'm gonna have to clear.
and i want to clear it with room to spare.

so here i am.
in fear.
and sleepy.

what do i do?!

i do the thing i've been taught to do.
i take a minute.
i breathe... deeply.
i pray a little.
i sit with it.
and then i discard the fear... or at least TRY to.
for my own sake.
because the fear doesn't serve me.
it addles me unnecessarily.
it makes me feel like i can't do it.
even though i know i can.
i have done it before.
and i can do it again.
i am capable.
and i have a whole years worth of exams to prove it.
so i am writing in an attempt to remind myself that i need to take a moment to settle in and settle down.
cuz my HP has got me in the most incredible way.
and i am not alone.
and i will be OK no matter what.
and THAT is ALSO a fact.

Monday, May 9, 2011

all i see...

... is what's in front of me...
... that's you.

... and cool kids, they belong together.


Friday, May 6, 2011

it's so crazy awesome...

it's super crazy fantastic how my life just got WAY better over the course of a few weeks.

i mean, it was already pretty effing good.
but NOW...
oh. my. god.
i feel like i've been waiting to feel this way for ages.

i've been alone for the past year, which has been amazing.
mostly because i haven't truly been alone.
i have been surrounded by people who care about me.
and i have become a pretty good friend.
i have enjoyed my solitude, and have found awesome new people to spend time with.
and amidst those people, there he was.
all along.
being awesome.
because that's just how he rolls.

and now, things are so incredible that i can hardly stand it.
he is sweeter than pie, and kinder than most, and he makes me feel warm and special.
he says things to me that i love to hear, and i'm pretty sure i return the favor.
it feels amazing to be so understood on so many levels.
he 'gets' me like i've never been 'got' before.
i feel like we both hit the jackpot.
win... squared.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

it's late... i know... but i just wanted to say some stuff out loud

the past week has been full of ups and downs.
but for the most part it has been really great.

i have been spending a ton of time resting...
which i needed desperately...
because it turns out a tonsillectomy involves horrific pain.

i have also been spending time with Him.
My Him.
... and...
He is pretty great.

and i am totally falling for him.
in a remarkably healthy way.
slowly. purposefully.
and honestly.

we are already operating on the same wavelength,
and have been for a while.
i'll say something...
and then he'll say it out loud, with a little laugh,
"i know, Honey."
it's wonderful.
because he DOES know.
he gets it.
i love that!

i have seen him everyday this week.
and it's getting hard to imagine a day without him in it...

we text all throughout the day as it is,
and it is gonna be hard once i start inpatient medicine.
i'm not looking forward to that shit...
for a lot of reasons.
but one of the main reasons is that it is going to impact my schedule in such a serious way.
which means i am going to miss him.
which sucks.

i know it's fine.
because we will figure it out.
and it is only for 2 months.
but when we have only been doing this for a month or so,
it makes the 2 month thing feel like a relatively long time.

it's ok though.
we are going to be fine, if we are meant to be.
i'm grateful for the time we get to spend together this coming week.
and i'm grateful that we are both happy and healthy.
and that we are taking care of ourselves as we get to know each other.
and i am grateful that i get to be all of me when i'm with him.
because that is a beautiful thing.

because it is all about adding to each other's lives.
and staying true to ourselves.
and i feel like that is happening.
and i love it.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

sunday no-funday.

today i feel like poo.
it could be that the steroids from the surgery have worn off and i have crashed hard.
it could be that i am on pain medication for my throat and it is bringing me down.
it could just be that i'm a little funky.
but regardless, i just don't feel so hot.

when i get like this, i know it is just because i need to take better care of myself.
which is hard when i can barely swallow water without searing pain.
but i am definitely showing up for studying (psychiatry, at least)
and i am for sure trying to manage my externals better (home, car, health, etc).
so that is a start.
but i still lack the balance i crave,
and it is probably because i am forced to be so sedentary right now.
i miss working out, and i can't for at least another week or so... til i'm healed up, which sucks.
(didn't think i would say that...ever)
but i think it is because i miss feeling connected to my body.
being in pain makes me want to disconnect a little.... or a lot.
it kinda blows.

i REALLY hope this pain subsides soon.
i have almost cried because it hurt SO bad on more than one occasion.
i'm pretty miserable.
and it sucks.
i just want to be able to eat like a normal human bean!
i seriously hope this surgery thing wasn't a mistake.

that is all... meah!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

if you are reading this...

so i have been posting a lot lately...
mostly because i have had a lot to say. duh.
but also because i seem to have forgotten that other people may be reading this.

well, if you are out there... hi.
i'm carla.
i'm a girl who is full of gratitude.
i have love and warmth in my life.
i give off light when i am happy.
i smile a lot.
i get joy from what i do... even if it isn't awesome every single day.
i have a purpose and i work hard to get what i want.
i have friends who care about me a lot.
i get scared a little, but my fear doesn't rule me.
i am honest and open with the people who matter to me.
i get vulnerable and it can be frightening.
and i write and put it out into the world so that i can feel a little less alone.
... and so maybe you can feel a little less alone too.

i have shared some really personal and emotional stuff on this bloggy-thing over the past year.
it has been a crazy year...
full of love, loss, passion for my work, fear of losing everything, and finally some peace.
if you have read it, you know.
if not...
now you are all caught up.

basically, i just want to say that i appreciate you taking the time to share my experience.
thank you.
whoever you are.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


there's nothing quite like the sound and smell of the ocean at night.
i remember being on the cruise ship over the summer and sitting out on the balcony at night.
and listening as the water went rushing by.
it's pretty magical. (yup, i went there... to cheese-town)

it's been a while since i came down here on my own.
the peace isn't as overwhelming as it used to be.
the calm isn't so unsettling anymore.
it's really nice.

tonight was weird.
the meeting felt unusual.
empty yet crazy...
a little maddening.

but it was nice to see him.
it always is.
he is so kind to me.
especially when i need a little reassurance...

it's the worry...
i have been feeling so nervous about all of it.
which is fine... it is what it is.
but i know he can sense it on me.
and i don't want to burden him with that.
so i decided to do what i promised myself i would do.
i stayed true to myself and told him where i am at.
which was huge.
and again, he met me with kindness and warmth.
i am feeling pretty lucky right now.

i know that the only thing that is constant is change.
so i am fully aware that things will continue to change and grow and evolve...
i'm not that naïve. (yes, i just used a diaeresis)
i just hope that everything works out in a way that makes us both happy.
Both of us.
whatever that looks like.

for now, it's great.
and i think we are both into each other in just the right way.
and i don't see this getting fucked up because of any stupid shit.
it's me and him and Everyone else doesn't matter.
as it should be.



all i can say is... wow.

the past week has been amazing.
i didn't see this coming, and it is really really good.
i like surprises...
and this definitely qualifies.

part of me thinks that if you had told me 2 months ago that this would be happening,
i would have thought you were nuts.
but when i think about it...
i have been attracted to him since we first started getting to know each other.
there has always been a little something there.
for me, anyway.
regardless, there is a serious spark now.
and my GOD it's incredible.

the chemistry is perfect.
we fit.
and it is comfortable in a wonderful and unfamiliar way.

i had no idea this would happen.
i had (and continue to have) no expectations...
which is awesome.
but i definitely hope we continue to want the same things...
which i think is all anyone can hope for.
so i will keep on hoping for that.
right now we are on the same page with all of it.
which is a beautiful thing.
and i'm grateful for it.

this is all a beautiful thing.
i make him feel good and he returns the favor consistently.
i look at him and i smile.
it's pure happiness coming out of me when we are close to each other.
this has the makings of something really special
it already is special.
it's lovely.
and i think it's going to continue to evolve into something we are both going to enjoy.
hopefully for a long time.
but who knows...
i sure as hell don't.
i can just continue to show up and be myself and stay true to who i am and what i need.
it's been really working well so far...
and if it isn't broken, it doesn't need fixing.

it's perfect just as it is:
and mind-blowing.

i REALLY like it.
and i really like him.
a lot.

and now i need some sleep.
good night world.
thanks for being out there so i can feel like i get to share this with someone.
because it is Definitely worth sharing.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


surprise... i guess it wasn't too much to ask after all.

i'm totally nervous. and excited. and warm.
and i don't know what is going to happen, and that is totally ok.
but whatever happens... it will definitely be fun.
and we both deserve it.
even though i am kinda freaking out right now.
but even amidst this nervous feeling, i am so giddy it hurts.

and the great thing is that he is available.
and wonderful.
and a really good friend.
and just awesome all the way around.
and he thinks i am awesome too.
he is warm and kind and good.
and just a little dark... in just the right way.
and his eyes are so effing blue.
and his hair is so effing soft.
and the way he hugs me is no joke.
i feel it in my fingertips and in my toes... he means it.

and i kinda can't believe this is happening right now.

i feel like the universe has put him in front of me for a reason.
a good good reason.

the best part of it is that he gets me.
he just gets it... all of it.
and he can keep up. which is a win.

and he makes me laugh.
oh my god his laugh... it's totally infectious and sincere.
i can't help but giggle a whole bunch when i hear it.
i feel pure joy when i hear him laugh out loud.

i knew it might happen when we were sitting next to each other earlier tonight.
my body wanted him...
i had no say in it.
i needed him close to me.
our legs were barely touching and it was totally comfortable.
and i couldn't help but want him closer.

i am so glad he went for it.
my GOD he's cute!
i couldn't make the first move.
the thought of screwing up our friendship was too scary.
but this is a fear worth walking through...
because this is a great thing...
regardless of what it turns out to be.

what an awesome moment!
i love how the wind was blowing all crazy around us.
it made me less aware of myself and more aware of how close we were.
and how he felt on my neck.

i am really happy right now.

and i can't wait until i see him again.
which will be soon.

wow. friday night.
kinda date-y.
i can't wait to hold his hand all secret-style in the movie.
fuck! i'm stoked.

i'm lucky. really really lucky.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

is it too much to ask?

why is it that the one thing i want really bad is eluding me?
my life is full.
i feel ready.
but i suppose i'm not REALLY ready...
because i know that if i was truly ready i would have what i want.
so i guess i just need to wait.

k. i get it.


oh, and if you are listening HP... please let me stay in LA for residency....

this shizz is serious.

Monday, April 11, 2011


i don't wanna go.

i wanna stay home.

i wanna sleep in.

i wanna eat ice cream and smoke cloves.

i wanna watch more netfilx.

but i can't.


i really wanna be a doctor.

so i have to remember how badly i want this...

because right now, i feel like i would trade it all in for a few more weeks of free-time.

even though that is totally ridiculous and i know it.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

couch time

today would be considered a huge waste to most...
but today, i spent the day (and night) on the couch.

i slept on it, i ate on it, and i have sat and watched movies on it all day.
and it has been glorious.

this weekend has been pretty stellar all the way around.
i'm trying to enjoy myself before getting back to the grind on Monday...
which i am kinda dreading.
i don't like waking up to go to a job i dislike.
and i am not a huge fan of psychiatry or neurology.
so the next 4 weeks are kinda gonna suck a little.
especially since i have to study a ton on top of the work...
and i am having a tonsillectomy, so i am gonna be in some pain.
but it's cool. because i have braced myself for it:
i have learned to stockpile my joy and relaxation before embarking on a hellish period of time.
and that is exactly what i have done.

i went out to the movies with the fellas last night, and it was fun... i heart them.
i had couch time this week, which i adore.
i am eating delicious food, which makes me happy.
i talked to some people that mean a lot to me, and that has been wonderful.
i've been to the paa a bunch, which makes fills me up.
and i am getting my hair done tomorrow, which will make me feel pretty.

i feel like i am getting ready to come out of my burrow.
my safe place.
and that i will be equipped to handle it when i do have to go back out into the world.
psych patients are extremely draining...
not to mention that my life is somewhat exhausting.
but it is all good.
i have had the best spring break ever...
new friends, lots of love, and a full life.
and lots and lots of couch time.

i win.

thanks to everyone for being a part of my joy.
i am grateful for all of it. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

who knew?

i just spent the past hour on the phone with someone talking about deeply personal life stuff.
normally, this wouldn't be something out of the ordinary...
...cuz i LOVE talking on the phone about deeply personal shit.
but i barely know this person, and yet it felt totally comfortable.
i feel like i can trust him with all kinds of shit.
and vice versa.
and it is amazing. for real.
i'm honored that someone would trust me to walk them through their pain and discomfort.
it is a testament to the growth in me. and that is rad.
anyway, i've kinda seen him around for years and then,
out of nowhere,
there came a moment when he reached out and i just happened to be there.
it was pretty perfect.
and i'm really glad it happened... it brings me joy.

this has been happening quite a bit lately...
these magical moments, these new friendships coming out of nowhere... unexpectedly... and it is blowing my mind.
within the last couple of months i have met people who are changing my life.

i have a new bestie, she is in my inner sanctum and i don't take that shit lightly...
but this girl had me at hello and i feel like we are going to be friends until we die.
at least i hope so.

i grew really close to a girl who just moved away... (which makes me super fucking sad)
this chick is amazing... we laughed our asses off on the regular, she spent part of my birthday with me,
we bonded over medical stuff, and she worked her way up my speed-dial favorites list faster than most.
i'm gonna miss her... she is fantastic.

i started hanging out with the guy who i love to love.
we go to the movies, we talk about all the stuff we have in common... which is a lot.
we both love a lot of the same kind of art, tattoos, movies, music, etc. it's rad.
he hugs me like he means it, and he makes me laugh all the time.
it all makes me smile. a lot.
i feel like we are getting closer by the minute and i can't wait to see what happens.

and then there is the guy who trusts me with all his personal life shit.
his heart is super warm, and his vulnerability is a little scary...
i hope he finds what he is looking for.
and i hope it is healthy and makes him happy. for real.

i don't know where all this change is coming from...
my only explanation for it is that I am changing.
and i think this shift is a big one.
i can kinda feel it.

it all is stemming from old relationship stuff.
it's like i'm making room in my heart for new life and new love.
it's pretty effing awesome, i'm not gonna lie.
i'm so glad i am doing the things i need to do to clear out the past,
and repair the old relationships that have been damaged and broken for years.

it gives me some hope, and reminds me that i am never stuck...
i can choose to change whenever i want, and the world will change around me,
or it will get left behind.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

best burfday ever.

this year has been amazing.
it has run the gamut from horribly-horrible, to wonderfully-wonderful.
and i am lucky for it all.

i have spent the past few days with my people.
the people that love me.
the people i love.
and it has been all kinds of awesome.
but the fun party-time stuff isn't all that has been going on...

in the past few days i have managed to alter the way i interact with the world around me...
in a HUGE way.
i have righted old wrongs,
i have closed old doors,
i have rejoiced in new friendships,
and i have grown immensely.

i feel as though i have entered my 34th year of life as a new woman.
stronger, more powerful, and more loving than i have ever been.
and even though i know i have a lot more to learn,
and many more ways to grow,
i know that i have come light years in just a few days.
and that blows my mind.

it is never too late to make start anew.
i thought i would feel the way i felt forever.
trapped in my emotions, letting them rule me.
but it was a lie.
and this lie has been shattered.
i am no longer a slave to the old Me.
i can do it all differently.

and that is a beautiful thing.

i can't wait to see what this year has in store for me!

Monday, March 21, 2011

almost ready (aka: THE Metamorphosis)

i've been walking through my life for the past few weeks trying to 'manage' my feelings....
i think that's the best way to describe it...
whatever it is, it's bullshit.

i'm SUPER uncomfortable, and nowadays all that happens when i'm this uncomfortable is i act out in silly ways...
i smoke cigarettes & drink energy drinks... i stay up super late... i swallow my gum (yes... gum... i know it's disgusting)...
and at the end of the day it's always the same, no matter how awesome my night was:
i sit in bed.
i turn on the telly to drown out my feeling.
i try to wind down.
i recall my day.
i put my head to my pillow.
i say a little prayer.
and i pass out.

well, this just isn't good enough anymore.
this is old. and it has nearly run its course.
and i don't feel whole right now...
because i am not giving attention to the areas of my life that need work.

and while i LOVE my life today (NO JOKE... IT IS THE SHIT!!)
i still realize that something huge is going on in my soul and there is a big shift coming.
mostly in the area of love.

i have been carrying around this sickness for years.
it feels like a combination of guilt, remorse, sorrow, anger, hatred, and hurt.
it basically sucks.
and it is destined to continue unless i do something to put an end to it.
and i feel that i am.
slowly, but surely.

but what i am coming to realize is...
slowly isn't working anymore...
and the universe is lighting a fire under my ass every week as i am haunted by the physical presence of the inciting factor.
MAN!!!!... he suuuuucks!!!! ugh.
and i can feel him wanting to engage with me.
and i will not do it right now. period.
some 'stuff' needs to happen before i can walk into that fire without getting burned.
or without causing more harm than good.

right now i need to feel safe. protected. and i need to work out the poison in my heart.
and once i am done with it, and i have buried it, i will come out a new me.

right now i have accepted that i am in the middle of my process. my metamorphosis.
and even though I have not woken up to find myself on my back with more legs than i had when i went to sleep,
it's still a huge change. it feels like it touches all levels:
emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.
i truly believe i will come out of this place feeling and looking different.
a new me.
the me i have been striving to be. longing to be.
this is a time of acceptance. and forgiveness.
and self-love.
and of letting go of the things that are no longer serving me.

so basically, i am getting to my breaking point.
i am done feeling all this retarded bullshit.
i am ready to invite healing into my heart.
so that i can love and be loved in a true and honest way.
no more regret. no more bullshit.
no more anger.
just me.
and my heart.
letting u in.
that's what i want.
and hopefully, when we meet, it will be what you want too... whoever you are.
(i'm almost ready... )

Monday, March 7, 2011

note to self:

there is no reasoning with a crazy moron.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


remember when i wasn't in medical school?
i don't.

it feels like i have spent the better part of a lifetime getting through these past 3 years.
it has been awful. and wonderful.
and exhausting. and overwhelming.
and that is just an average week in the life of Me.

yesterday, a man told me he wanted me to be his doctor.
he wanted ME to care for him and keep him healthy.
no one else.
i was honored.

this past week i have studied for over 60 hours.
on top of a 45 hour work week.
i am exhausted.

tomorrow i will take two 3 hour exams, practically back-to-back.
plus i need to pack for my weekend trip, i need to load the dishwasher, i need to take out the trash, and i need to clean out my car.
i am overwhelmed.

the bad news is... this is going to be my semi-constant state for the next few years.
the good news is... it isn't constant. and it is not permanent.

this is the part of the tight-rope walk where i i look down and freak out because i am so high off the ground.
and then i realize that there is a net. and if i fall i won't break... i'll bounce. i am safe.
soon i will be on the other side.
and i have no idea what it will look like.
where i will end up.
what will happen to me

but i DO know that whatever happens to me... to my life... to my dreams...
that i will not fall and break. i will bounce.
i am safe.
i am taken care of.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day 2011

today was a really good day.

called in sick to work. cuz i'm sick. (cough cough)
then went to Swinger's, my home away from home...
where i was treated to breakfast in the afternoon...
and a pink Valentine's cupcake.

then i studied for a while. which made me feel good.

now i'm sitting at home.
on my couch.
with my Valentine, KD.
we're watching New Moon, all girly-sappy-style.
and drinking kombucha.
and i'm sucking on menthol cough drops.

and now it's 11:11 p.m.
and it's perfect.

there is so much love in my life.

like the guy at Erewhon said: "that's really beautiful."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

why do i even bother sometimes?

i try really hard to be a grown-up human bean.
to act as though i have had fear and resentment removed from my life.
and then you go and act like a fucking idiot.

and so i wonder,
"what the eff am i doing this for? when you aren't giving me the same courtesy and honor?"
but then i remember.
you and what you do don't matter.
what I do matters.
because I am the one who is gonna have to live with it once it's done.
so i show up and act like a grown-up.
and i stifle my rage and channel it elsewhere.
since it isn't truly rage at all. it is fear and sadness and hurt.
and i sit in my living room.
and i write. and i sulk a little because i am not above it yet.
and decide to take myself to a depressing movie.
so i don't have to think about what an asshole you were.
and how i didn't have to act like a dick to you today.
because i bothered to act like my fear and resentment was removed.
in that moment.

i guess it's alright that i bother sometimes.
and even though payback isn't immediate...
i supposed i will continue to bother.

ok, you win HP... again.
thanks. for the clarity.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

it's over.

it happened on sunday.
i can barely say it out loud.
so i'm not going to.
but just know this:

it will never happen again.
never ever.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


this week i am being challenged.
i am facing something that i didn't ever expect to have to walk through again.

the best part is that...
today, i am facing it.
looking it in the eye.
and walking through it with grace and dignity.
because, apparently that is how i roll now.

that is pretty effing awesome.

and thank GOD for the people i have around me.
supporting me.
loving me.
laughing with me at the ridiculousness of it all.
and making sure i am taken care of... and taking care of myself.

thank GOD for the fact that today, i am blessed enough not to have to go through it alone.
because this.... this one is not to be done alone.
no way.
too big.
too difficult.
too sad.

so if you are going through something hard... something that you didn't think you could face,
i hope you are as lucky as i am.
to have people in your life who love you.
and to have the soundness of mind and heart to process it for what it is.
and scary.
and painful.
because today, i feel everything.
and i am lucky to be clear enough to do so.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

my world got flipped upside-down today

and i must never forget how it righted itself.

that's all.

this one is for me.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


tonight i rang in the new year at Disneyland with my sista from another mista.
this was the first year in a long time i did it for me.
i picked the place and Mary was down... so we made it happen.
and it was a great day.
we are in line for our last ride and then it's time for bed.

as usual, the end of one year and the beginning of another, is a time to reflect and refocus.
this last year was probably the worst and the best i have had in a really long time.
and as a result, i have grown immensely... especially over the past months.
some people are no longer a part of my life,
some new people have entered my life in a huge way,
and i am in a completely different place today than i was at this time last year.

if you were to ask me...
i would say that i think i am most grateful for the heartache i endured this past year.
because from the pain, i have been forced to grow in ways i didn't necessarily want to...
and now, on the other side of it all, i am really effin lucky that i was hurting.
because now i am all the more awesome for it.

i can't wait to see what this next year has in store.
i feel great things on the horizon.

2011 is gonna rock my socks off. i can feel it.
and i cannot wait to see what happens.

lots of love to everyone, and happy new year.