Sunday, February 6, 2011

why do i even bother sometimes?

i try really hard to be a grown-up human bean.
to act as though i have had fear and resentment removed from my life.
and then you go and act like a fucking idiot.

and so i wonder,
"what the eff am i doing this for? when you aren't giving me the same courtesy and honor?"
but then i remember.
you and what you do don't matter.
what I do matters.
because I am the one who is gonna have to live with it once it's done.
so i show up and act like a grown-up.
and i stifle my rage and channel it elsewhere.
since it isn't truly rage at all. it is fear and sadness and hurt.
and i sit in my living room.
and i write. and i sulk a little because i am not above it yet.
and decide to take myself to a depressing movie.
so i don't have to think about what an asshole you were.
and how i didn't have to act like a dick to you today.
because i bothered to act like my fear and resentment was removed.
in that moment.

i guess it's alright that i bother sometimes.
and even though payback isn't immediate...
i supposed i will continue to bother.

ok, you win HP... again.
thanks. for the clarity.

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