Thursday, June 30, 2011


ok, so if you have ever seen me pushed to the limit,
i tend to freak out.
just a little.
but it still counts as a freak out, for sure.
it has gotten WAY better in the past year or two,
but i still need some reassurance from time to time.
and i lean on those closest to me during these moments.

tonight, i called one of my Besties and she talked me off the ledge.
(i then promptly crawled back out onto said ledge.)
then the bf called, and i came to realize after we got off the phone,
that he has a recipe that works.

it is really simple,
but it has never failed.
and here it is...

top 3 Erek-isms:
"that's great, Honey!"
"sounds great, Honey."
"you're gonna do great, Honey."

i can totally hear him saying it as i am reading it now on my laptop screen.
it's perfect.
whether i am telling him about some boring shit i just learned,
or asking him if he wants to go see some movie or do some random thing with me,
it's perfect. it just works.

and when i need to be reassured,
and reminded that it is all gonna be ok...
it works then too.

i'm so grateful for his sanity when i'm losing it.
he is so supportive, and positive, and real.
it helps me. it centers me. it's super nice.

the pressure i put on myself is overwhelming,
it makes me feel like something is smashing me down,
crushing me.
it gets hard to breathe.
all i can do is cry it out a little and call the people who love me so they can distract me and calm me.
it's great that all i need is a little, "........., Honey."
to make it all better.
i love it.
and it is super convenient for him too.
because it comes naturally to him.
which is awesome.

i'm SO glad he was there to "honey" me.
i needed it.
and i feel a bit better.
still stressed,
but better.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

good job

it's really all i need... a little bit of positive reinforcement on a job well done.
it makes me feel like all the hard work i'm putting in is worth it.
i know i should be able to validate myself in this way,
but when i don't really know what it means to do well in my daily work,
it's really reeeally nice when someone takes 2 seconds to tell me i am doing well.

yesterday at the hospital, i was told that i was doing a good job.
by 2 different people.
2 words, and my day got way better.
i have been busting my ass for 6 weeks.
i was basically treated like a turd on the bottom of your shoe for 4 out of those weeks.
and then today, 2 weeks in to the 2nd half of my IM rotation i was given some positive reinforcement.
and it felt as though no one had said 'good job' to me in forever.
i KNOW this isn't true...
i'm not deluding myself; it just came at a good time...
i was post-call and only got a few hours of sleep,
and was really hustling all day to make sure my interns didn't have to work too hard to manage my patients.
i can only do SO much, since my signature is only valid at the cafeteria & gift shop,
but i did as much as i could so they only had to sign off on stuff vs. having to fill out a shit-ton of paperwork and run around like crazy people.
i want them to count on me.
so that i can show them (and me) what i am truly capable of.
in only 2 short years i am going to be a real doctor.
which is exciting and scary.
and i want my colleagues to know that i can do it and that i will do it well.

i know people can tell that i care.
it is the only area i consistently feel that i shine... my patient interaction is amazing...
mostly because i Really Do care and i try to show it to my team in addition to showing my patients.
and while my whole team doesn't necessarily feel this way
(one of my residents pretty much talks to me like i am wearing a helmet and i rode the short bus to the hospital),
i know i am gaining their trust and that i am learning a whole lot in the process.

this year is looking like it is going to end well.
and i can hardly believe that i am almost a 4th year medical student!
Good Job, Me.
I'm REALLY Doing It!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011


so this is it.
i think i'm done.
i think i've found it.
(or it found me.)
whatever the case, i feel like i am home after a long journey into the middle of nowhere and back.
at peace. joyful. comfortable. loved.
and while i know i was already whole, now i feel complete.
this is so beautiful and effortless i can hardly stand it.
this is really something special.
i hope it lasts, because i can't imagine feeling any differently than i feel right now.
i am truly happy.
and the love in my heart is ridiculous.

i don't know if you are reading this, EJ, but if you are...
know this:
you make me happier than i ever knew i could be.
your sense of security is admirable.
the warmth of your heart is incredible.
your honesty is comforting.
your actions are full of grace and trust.
you never make me feel like i can't be me
and in return you are always sincere and genuine.
you inspire me with your ability to see past the ridiculousness of situations.
you make me laugh when i need to the most.
and you make me feel like the most special girl in the world.
so there.
i hope i didn't give you a cavity.
because i am just being honest.
cuz that's how i roll. :)

thank you for being so good to me.
you are truly wonderful, and i am the luckiest girl in the land.
xo, baby.

a letter to the fledglings.

i was asked to compose a letter to the incoming 3rd year medical students. this is what i wrote (i hope they enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it):

Dear Class of 2013:

Congratulations on starting 3rd year! You are about to begin one of the most interesting and special times of your life. It’s one of the many milestones in your journey to becoming a doctor. It will help you grow, and it will shape you and your view of medicine as a career. And it will change you whether you want it to or not. (Hopefully for the better.)

This year is huge. Seriously. It is a big deal. And I know you are going to love it. And at times you are also going to hate it. But regardless of how you feel about it, you are going to remember the experiences you have this year for the rest of your life. You will do a lot things for the first time (and some for the last time) this year. You are going to deliver babies (and countless placentas), you are going to help sick kids (and adults), and you may even get to amputate someone’s toes. This is your time to get as much experience as you can with as much as you can. Because after this year, most of you are going to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life, and you may never get to do some of these things again. So if someone says to you, “Hey, you wanna go see Dr. What’s-his-face do a Whateverectomy?” You should say, “Yes, please!” because you might never see another whateverectomy for as long as you live.

You are going to be tired (Soooooooo tired!!)… and on top of it you will have to study for your shelf exams, but you will do it because you have to. And you will get through it… I promise.

If I can offer you any advice, it is this: Sleep when you can. Spend time with the people that matter to you whenever humanly possible. And most importantly, do your best as often as possible. Because people will notice, and you will be proud of yourself when it is all over.

I wish you the best of luck… but you don’t need it… because You are going to rock it.

Have fun, study hard, stay safe, and don’t recap any needles. :)



This past year has been really hectic…. To say the least.

I went into it with a clear idea of what I wanted to do, and came out of it wanting something completely different. I started the year scared, and I’m finishing it off terrified. I learned a huge amount of information and am slowly forgetting a lot of it. I failed more times than I succeeded, and I made countless mistakes only to make more. But regardless of all the rough feelings I have had about this year, it has been one of the best years of my life. For real. Because this past year has been a gift. A privilege. An experience very few people get to partake in… it was amazing, and horrible, and wonderful… and I will remember it for the rest of my life.

A lot of feelings have come up this year:
I have never felt more full of purpose. I have felt useful throughout the year, and not only because I am able to help my team with orders and notes and procedures, but because I know that I have touched people’s lives and they have touched mine in return. I have developed relationships with people who may one day become my patients. I have grown closer to my classmates. I have learned how to tell people, “I don’t know.” I am starting to take ownership of my patients and the decisions I am making in their care. I am constantly reminded that I am someone people want to work with, and that my patients appreciate me and know that I care about them. I am slowly becoming the doctor I have wanted to be since the beginning of this long journey – and although this is a slow process, I can definitely see progress. I feel like I was afraid to take risks at the beginning of the year – I didn’t want to make any mistakes… partially because I know people’s lives are at stake, but also because I don’t want to fail. Failure is scary. And I tend to take it personally. Well, that has been an area of growth for me this year – I am learning how to make mistakes gracefully and how to let things go (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly). I am growing up. And while I realize that I am still full of fear as I go through my day, I know that I am not alone and that this is normal. And I am learning to walk through the fear, rather than letting it rule me. I guess you could say that I am gaining confidence with each passing day. I know I am. I just wish it would come faster. I long for the day that I feel like I know what is best for my patient. And I trust myself to make the right call.

At this stage in my education and career, I feel like I am ready to push myself harder than I have pushed myself thus far. I am ready to reach out and grab the thing I want most – an Ob/Gyn residency in Los Angeles. I want to honor my needs and desires, and I am ready to work hard to make it happen. I feel like this year has prepared me for this time. I am ready to start being a better student and a better worker. I want what I want, and nothing is going to stand in my way.

I am grateful for this past year and how it has shaped me. I know that I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be, but I am closer to my ideal now than I have ever been before. I feel blessed…. and grateful...
For all that I have gained and all that I have lost.
Goodbye, 3rd year… Hello, Everything Else.