Goddammit

i feel like i want to crawl in a teeny tiny hole and disappear.
i know it's silly, but if i have learned anything over the past 11 & a half years,
it's that i should honor my feelings no matter how ludicrous they might be.
and this one is denifitely Retarded.

i am overcome with fear.
and it is infuriating.
it is also extremely uncomfortable.

i am surrounded with love in so many areas of my life,
but i am perseverating on the fact that
i show up to work everyday and get shit on just a little bit.
it's not a lot, just a tad...
but i am so fucking sensitive that it feels like a dump truck's worth.
which is also maddening.
Why The Fuck Can't I Have Tougher Skin?!
it's hard to remember that i am there to do my best and be the best 'me' i can be,
when i am not comfortable being me with the people i am working with.

so, i need to remember the other lessons i have been taught:
when in fear, act as though that fear has been removed.
take contrary action.
act in faith, rather than in fear.
come from a place of love.
do the right things, so i won't have to amend my mistakes later.
and Most importantly...
Be The Best Me I Can Be No Matter What.
because the voice inside my head,
albeit quieter than it has been in years,
is still lying to me,
and i don't need to believe the lie today.

today i speak my mind.
today i get to honor my feelings and my needs.
the little girl inside me that desires a voice, actually gets to speak her mind today.
and i deserve to carry that courage into every area of my life.
because that is who i am and who i want to be.

so there.
Take THAT Fear.
You are Not the Boss of Me.
yeah.

i wish...

i wish i had more time to be creative.
and make cool and amazing things happen.
there just aren't enough hours in the day!

i guess becoming a doctor will have to be enough...

the grass is always greener, i guess.
no matter how green it is over here.
and now that i stop and take a look...
it's pretty effing green.
so i'm gonna be quiet now.

Good Night.
xo

point of clarification.

just so we're clear...
Even if You show me Your crazy,
I am Still not allowed to Face-Shove you with Mine.
not because i am not empowered.
and not because i have lost the power of choice.
but because that's Just not how i'm rollin' these days.
besides, crazy doesn't go well with my complexion. 
so don't make me ruin.
cuz it's not that i'm not capable...
we are ALL capable of falling out.
I just can't live with those kind of consequences anymore.
no matter how hard my heart pounds in my chest.
no matter how much i want to scream at you to try and talk some "sense" into you.
i would rather be comfortable than prove to You that I am Right.

today, i am taking my power back.
because when i am sincere, and speak with purpose
(rather than with volume),
i stay at peace with myself.
because I won't have to amend my behavior later.
because that shit is humiliating.
especially when You are such a shitbag.
Yup.

That is all.
Good talk.

saying goodbye

today i said goodbye to a patient i have been following since my first day at Cedars.
he went home, so it was a good goodbye.
but it made me sad.
because he is still so sick.
but we all wanted him to go home.
and today he was finally ready.
(he had been in the hospital since the first week of May, so it was definitely time.)

anyway, i got a little misty when i went by his room to bid him farewell.
i know i am a little sick (like for real, with a fever and the sniffles),
so i am not as emotionally stable as i usually am...
which i am sure played a part in my reaction to the situation.
but i also feel like i connected with this patient in an honest and real way.
and that is an incredibly beautiful thing.
a thing that most people don't get in their day-to-day lives.

so today, i want to take a minute to express my gratitude for the relationships i am blessed with in my daily work.
i am honored to be a part of people's lives in this way.
it is amazing. and beautiful.
and i am a better human because of it.

i had no idea what it could be like.

i thought i knew happiness.
i really really did.
but i think i got it confused with something else.
because today, right now, i am truly happy...
and it is not consistent with my prior experience of what i 'thought' happiness in a relationship was supposed to feel like.
it is peaceful, joyful, healthy, and serene.
it's perfect.

i look back on how i have felt in the past, and it was not like this at all.
it was full of turmoil and pain and fear.
it was wrought with insecurity and lack of trust.
it was dishonest and devoid of hope.
it was a lie.

and i don't say this to discount that experience,
because it was something that has shaped me and my current relationships,
but it was unhealthy, and desperate, and i don't even recognize who i was during that period of time.
i was never myself.
and while i'm tempted to say that i wasn't 'permitted' to be myself...
that would also be a lie.
because no one forced me to hide the parts of myself that made him uncomfortable.
no one twisted my arm so that i would make myself small and voiceless.
no one demanded that i act from a place of fear and ignore my instincts.
no one made me do any of it.
it was a choice.
and looking back, it was a shitty one.

today i am at peace.
i feel loved. by him.
and in return, i feel true and honest love. for him.
a love that has been growing inside me for years.
a love that never had a purpose or a direction.
until now.

this is real.
and it is a little scary.
because i am not trying to control it.
it has a life of it's own...
it is growing with every passing day.
and it is flourishing in a way that i never thought it could.
and it is beautiful.
everyday i love him more and more.
granted, i loved him before we even started seeing each other...
because he is amazing...
but it has evolved into something different.
and what i felt for him then was only a fraction of what i feel for him now.
i am falling in love. with him. slowly. deeply. effortlessly.

i'll look at him, or he'll hold me, and i can't believe that this is happening.
it is too wonderful to be my reality, but it's as real as the ground i am standing on.
and just like the ground, i trust in it and i know it won't let me fall.

we tell each other how we are feeling.
i ask him important questions and he responds honestly and openly.
i tell him that i'm scared and he acknowledges it and honors it.
he is a man and he helps me feel like a woman.
it is beyond awesome.

i feel like i've been waiting my entire life for someone to allow me to feel this way.
to let me give my love completely and without condition.
and here he is.
perfectly mine.
and he has always been here.
first as an acquaintance, and then as a friend...
and now as so much more.
i never dreamed things could change so much in such a short period of time.

i know that everything happens for a reason and in it's own time,
but if i had known things could be this way i probably wouldn't have been so apprehensive to begin with.
i can't believe i was almost too scared to let this happen.
i really really was.
scared of what might get lost if we decided to start seeing each other.
because the thought of losing his friendship was too much to bear.
thank god i didn't let my fear rule me.
because this is too good to be true.
and i never knew i could be this happy.
for real.

back in it. for real.

so, i have been hanging on to some negative criticism lately.
it mostly centers around work/school.
which just so happens to be the one area of my life where i feel the least powerless and the most inadequate.
(SOooo not a coincidence!!)

anyway, i got a negative evaluation a few weeks ago.
and it crushed me.
which is ridiculous, but very real.
so i got upset.
and i felt hurt.
and ashamed <--- this one i am REALLY good at.
and i did my best to let it go.
but i couldn't.

i couldn't get it out of my head.
no matter what people said to me, and what everyone thought of me.
so i made a decision to make it a positive thing.
i vowed to rock the shit out of my internal medicine rotation.
my last hardcore rotation of the year.
and right now, i feel like i am keeping my promise to myself.

yesterday i was told that i am 'outstanding' and 'extremely bright'.
that i am performing 'above and beyond expectations'.
and i was told to take on more patients because i am 'obviously capable'.

well, this was all i needed to feel like i am on the right path.
like i am doing the right thing.
fulfilling my purpose and doing good, strong work.
a little positive reinforcement goes a long way with me.
for real.

and now, i feel amazing.
and i needed to hear every word my attending said.
because this was on the heels of being talked to like a fool by another person on my service, and being made to feel like an imbecile.
so it came at exactly the right time.
and i think i deserved the praise because i am pretty sure i earned it.
and i hope to continue to earn it.

i am definitely back in it.
to win it.
for real.
and i am feeling more and more confident every day.
i feel smart and capable.
i feel supported and loved and whole.

and once again i am extremely grateful for the bad because it is bringing about so much good.
once again i am reminded that i have no idea what is good for me.
until i get out of my own way for just a moment and do the footwork necessary to align myself with my true purpose:
i am here to learn,
and to work hard,
and to get as much out of the time i am spending with my patients as is humanly possible.
because they count on me.
they need me to advocate for them.
to act as their voice, when they are not being heard.
to try to comfort them when they are frustrated and scared.
and to help them take care of themselves when they don't know how.
i am, as far as they are concerned, their 'doctor'.
i am responsible, in part, for their care.
and they need to feel that they are getting the best care possible.
because if they don't feel this way, then i have failed them.
and if you know me at all, you know i despise failing.
i just don't do it well at all.

so i am gonna keep up the good work.
because it is not about me.
it is about humanity.
and care and concern for the people i see everyday.
it is about respect.
and love.
and hope.
and i am blessed to be a part of it.

i think i need a moment.

so i'm sitting in my living room, trying to figure out how the eff i'm supposed to learn all this medical stuff.
it's seriously overwhelming and it makes me want to take a nap... really really hard.

i know i'm never gonna know it all.
this is a fact.
i'm a 3rd year medical student, and people that have been practicing for years don't even know it all by memory.
i know this.
but it is still a daunting task.
because the exam i have to take in a few weeks doesn't care that my brain can't fit all this information in it.
and it doesn't care that i seem to have a terrible memory lately.
it is merely a hurdle i'm gonna have to clear.
and i want to clear it with room to spare.

so here i am.
overwhelmed.
in fear.
and sleepy.

what do i do?!

i do the thing i've been taught to do.
i take a minute.
i breathe... deeply.
i pray a little.
i sit with it.
and then i discard the fear... or at least TRY to.
for my own sake.
because the fear doesn't serve me.
it addles me unnecessarily.
it makes me feel like i can't do it.
even though i know i can.
i have done it before.
and i can do it again.
i am capable.
and i have a whole years worth of exams to prove it.
so i am writing in an attempt to remind myself that i need to take a moment to settle in and settle down.
cuz my HP has got me in the most incredible way.
and i am not alone.
and i will be OK no matter what.
and THAT is ALSO a fact.

all i see...

... is what's in front of me...
... that's you.

... and cool kids, they belong together.

:)

it's so crazy awesome...

it's super crazy fantastic how my life just got WAY better over the course of a few weeks.

i mean, it was already pretty effing good.
but NOW...
oh. my. god.
i feel like i've been waiting to feel this way for ages.

i've been alone for the past year, which has been amazing.
mostly because i haven't truly been alone.
i have been surrounded by people who care about me.
and i have become a pretty good friend.
i have enjoyed my solitude, and have found awesome new people to spend time with.
and amidst those people, there he was.
all along.
being awesome.
because that's just how he rolls.

and now, things are so incredible that i can hardly stand it.
he is sweeter than pie, and kinder than most, and he makes me feel warm and special.
he says things to me that i love to hear, and i'm pretty sure i return the favor.
it feels amazing to be so understood on so many levels.
he 'gets' me like i've never been 'got' before.
i feel like we both hit the jackpot.
win... squared.

it's late... i know... but i just wanted to say some stuff out loud

the past week has been full of ups and downs.
but for the most part it has been really great.

i have been spending a ton of time resting...
which i needed desperately...
because it turns out a tonsillectomy involves horrific pain.

i have also been spending time with Him.
My Him.
... and...
He is pretty great.

and i am totally falling for him.
in a remarkably healthy way.
slowly. purposefully.
and honestly.

we are already operating on the same wavelength,
and have been for a while.
i'll say something...
and then he'll say it out loud, with a little laugh,
"i know, Honey."
it's wonderful.
because he DOES know.
he gets it.
i love that!

i have seen him everyday this week.
and it's getting hard to imagine a day without him in it...

we text all throughout the day as it is,
and it is gonna be hard once i start inpatient medicine.
i'm not looking forward to that shit...
for a lot of reasons.
but one of the main reasons is that it is going to impact my schedule in such a serious way.
which means i am going to miss him.
which sucks.

i know it's fine.
because we will figure it out.
and it is only for 2 months.
but when we have only been doing this for a month or so,
it makes the 2 month thing feel like a relatively long time.

it's ok though.
we are going to be fine, if we are meant to be.
i'm grateful for the time we get to spend together this coming week.
and i'm grateful that we are both happy and healthy.
and that we are taking care of ourselves as we get to know each other.
and i am grateful that i get to be all of me when i'm with him.
because that is a beautiful thing.

because it is all about adding to each other's lives.
and staying true to ourselves.
and i feel like that is happening.
and i love it.