Monday, May 23, 2011

i had no idea what it could be like.

i thought i knew happiness.
i really really did.
but i think i got it confused with something else.
because today, right now, i am truly happy...
and it is not consistent with my prior experience of what i 'thought' happiness in a relationship was supposed to feel like.
it is peaceful, joyful, healthy, and serene.
it's perfect.

i look back on how i have felt in the past, and it was not like this at all.
it was full of turmoil and pain and fear.
it was wrought with insecurity and lack of trust.
it was dishonest and devoid of hope.
it was a lie.

and i don't say this to discount that experience,
because it was something that has shaped me and my current relationships,
but it was unhealthy, and desperate, and i don't even recognize who i was during that period of time.
i was never myself.
and while i'm tempted to say that i wasn't 'permitted' to be myself...
that would also be a lie.
because no one forced me to hide the parts of myself that made him uncomfortable.
no one twisted my arm so that i would make myself small and voiceless.
no one demanded that i act from a place of fear and ignore my instincts.
no one made me do any of it.
it was a choice.
and looking back, it was a shitty one.

today i am at peace.
i feel loved. by him.
and in return, i feel true and honest love. for him.
a love that has been growing inside me for years.
a love that never had a purpose or a direction.
until now.

this is real.
and it is a little scary.
because i am not trying to control it.
it has a life of it's own...
it is growing with every passing day.
and it is flourishing in a way that i never thought it could.
and it is beautiful.
everyday i love him more and more.
granted, i loved him before we even started seeing each other...
because he is amazing...
but it has evolved into something different.
and what i felt for him then was only a fraction of what i feel for him now.
i am falling in love. with him. slowly. deeply. effortlessly.

i'll look at him, or he'll hold me, and i can't believe that this is happening.
it is too wonderful to be my reality, but it's as real as the ground i am standing on.
and just like the ground, i trust in it and i know it won't let me fall.

we tell each other how we are feeling.
i ask him important questions and he responds honestly and openly.
i tell him that i'm scared and he acknowledges it and honors it.
he is a man and he helps me feel like a woman.
it is beyond awesome.

i feel like i've been waiting my entire life for someone to allow me to feel this way.
to let me give my love completely and without condition.
and here he is.
perfectly mine.
and he has always been here.
first as an acquaintance, and then as a friend...
and now as so much more.
i never dreamed things could change so much in such a short period of time.

i know that everything happens for a reason and in it's own time,
but if i had known things could be this way i probably wouldn't have been so apprehensive to begin with.
i can't believe i was almost too scared to let this happen.
i really really was.
scared of what might get lost if we decided to start seeing each other.
because the thought of losing his friendship was too much to bear.
thank god i didn't let my fear rule me.
because this is too good to be true.
and i never knew i could be this happy.
for real.

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