Sunday, April 24, 2011

sunday no-funday.

today i feel like poo.
it could be that the steroids from the surgery have worn off and i have crashed hard.
it could be that i am on pain medication for my throat and it is bringing me down.
it could just be that i'm a little funky.
but regardless, i just don't feel so hot.

when i get like this, i know it is just because i need to take better care of myself.
which is hard when i can barely swallow water without searing pain.
but i am definitely showing up for studying (psychiatry, at least)
and i am for sure trying to manage my externals better (home, car, health, etc).
so that is a start.
but i still lack the balance i crave,
and it is probably because i am forced to be so sedentary right now.
i miss working out, and i can't for at least another week or so... til i'm healed up, which sucks.
(didn't think i would say that...ever)
but i think it is because i miss feeling connected to my body.
being in pain makes me want to disconnect a little.... or a lot.
it kinda blows.

i REALLY hope this pain subsides soon.
i have almost cried because it hurt SO bad on more than one occasion.
i'm pretty miserable.
and it sucks.
i just want to be able to eat like a normal human bean!
i seriously hope this surgery thing wasn't a mistake.

that is all... meah!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

if you are reading this...

so i have been posting a lot lately...
mostly because i have had a lot to say. duh.
but also because i seem to have forgotten that other people may be reading this.

well, if you are out there... hi.
i'm carla.
i'm a girl who is full of gratitude.
i have love and warmth in my life.
i give off light when i am happy.
i smile a lot.
i get joy from what i do... even if it isn't awesome every single day.
i have a purpose and i work hard to get what i want.
i have friends who care about me a lot.
i get scared a little, but my fear doesn't rule me.
i am honest and open with the people who matter to me.
i get vulnerable and it can be frightening.
and i write and put it out into the world so that i can feel a little less alone.
... and so maybe you can feel a little less alone too.

i have shared some really personal and emotional stuff on this bloggy-thing over the past year.
it has been a crazy year...
full of love, loss, passion for my work, fear of losing everything, and finally some peace.
if you have read it, you know.
if not...
now you are all caught up.

basically, i just want to say that i appreciate you taking the time to share my experience.
thank you.
whoever you are.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


there's nothing quite like the sound and smell of the ocean at night.
i remember being on the cruise ship over the summer and sitting out on the balcony at night.
and listening as the water went rushing by.
it's pretty magical. (yup, i went there... to cheese-town)

it's been a while since i came down here on my own.
the peace isn't as overwhelming as it used to be.
the calm isn't so unsettling anymore.
it's really nice.

tonight was weird.
the meeting felt unusual.
empty yet crazy...
a little maddening.

but it was nice to see him.
it always is.
he is so kind to me.
especially when i need a little reassurance...

it's the worry...
i have been feeling so nervous about all of it.
which is fine... it is what it is.
but i know he can sense it on me.
and i don't want to burden him with that.
so i decided to do what i promised myself i would do.
i stayed true to myself and told him where i am at.
which was huge.
and again, he met me with kindness and warmth.
i am feeling pretty lucky right now.

i know that the only thing that is constant is change.
so i am fully aware that things will continue to change and grow and evolve...
i'm not that naïve. (yes, i just used a diaeresis)
i just hope that everything works out in a way that makes us both happy.
Both of us.
whatever that looks like.

for now, it's great.
and i think we are both into each other in just the right way.
and i don't see this getting fucked up because of any stupid shit.
it's me and him and Everyone else doesn't matter.
as it should be.



all i can say is... wow.

the past week has been amazing.
i didn't see this coming, and it is really really good.
i like surprises...
and this definitely qualifies.

part of me thinks that if you had told me 2 months ago that this would be happening,
i would have thought you were nuts.
but when i think about it...
i have been attracted to him since we first started getting to know each other.
there has always been a little something there.
for me, anyway.
regardless, there is a serious spark now.
and my GOD it's incredible.

the chemistry is perfect.
we fit.
and it is comfortable in a wonderful and unfamiliar way.

i had no idea this would happen.
i had (and continue to have) no expectations...
which is awesome.
but i definitely hope we continue to want the same things...
which i think is all anyone can hope for.
so i will keep on hoping for that.
right now we are on the same page with all of it.
which is a beautiful thing.
and i'm grateful for it.

this is all a beautiful thing.
i make him feel good and he returns the favor consistently.
i look at him and i smile.
it's pure happiness coming out of me when we are close to each other.
this has the makings of something really special
it already is special.
it's lovely.
and i think it's going to continue to evolve into something we are both going to enjoy.
hopefully for a long time.
but who knows...
i sure as hell don't.
i can just continue to show up and be myself and stay true to who i am and what i need.
it's been really working well so far...
and if it isn't broken, it doesn't need fixing.

it's perfect just as it is:
and mind-blowing.

i REALLY like it.
and i really like him.
a lot.

and now i need some sleep.
good night world.
thanks for being out there so i can feel like i get to share this with someone.
because it is Definitely worth sharing.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


surprise... i guess it wasn't too much to ask after all.

i'm totally nervous. and excited. and warm.
and i don't know what is going to happen, and that is totally ok.
but whatever happens... it will definitely be fun.
and we both deserve it.
even though i am kinda freaking out right now.
but even amidst this nervous feeling, i am so giddy it hurts.

and the great thing is that he is available.
and wonderful.
and a really good friend.
and just awesome all the way around.
and he thinks i am awesome too.
he is warm and kind and good.
and just a little dark... in just the right way.
and his eyes are so effing blue.
and his hair is so effing soft.
and the way he hugs me is no joke.
i feel it in my fingertips and in my toes... he means it.

and i kinda can't believe this is happening right now.

i feel like the universe has put him in front of me for a reason.
a good good reason.

the best part of it is that he gets me.
he just gets it... all of it.
and he can keep up. which is a win.

and he makes me laugh.
oh my god his laugh... it's totally infectious and sincere.
i can't help but giggle a whole bunch when i hear it.
i feel pure joy when i hear him laugh out loud.

i knew it might happen when we were sitting next to each other earlier tonight.
my body wanted him...
i had no say in it.
i needed him close to me.
our legs were barely touching and it was totally comfortable.
and i couldn't help but want him closer.

i am so glad he went for it.
my GOD he's cute!
i couldn't make the first move.
the thought of screwing up our friendship was too scary.
but this is a fear worth walking through...
because this is a great thing...
regardless of what it turns out to be.

what an awesome moment!
i love how the wind was blowing all crazy around us.
it made me less aware of myself and more aware of how close we were.
and how he felt on my neck.

i am really happy right now.

and i can't wait until i see him again.
which will be soon.

wow. friday night.
kinda date-y.
i can't wait to hold his hand all secret-style in the movie.
fuck! i'm stoked.

i'm lucky. really really lucky.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

is it too much to ask?

why is it that the one thing i want really bad is eluding me?
my life is full.
i feel ready.
but i suppose i'm not REALLY ready...
because i know that if i was truly ready i would have what i want.
so i guess i just need to wait.

k. i get it.


oh, and if you are listening HP... please let me stay in LA for residency....

this shizz is serious.

Monday, April 11, 2011


i don't wanna go.

i wanna stay home.

i wanna sleep in.

i wanna eat ice cream and smoke cloves.

i wanna watch more netfilx.

but i can't.


i really wanna be a doctor.

so i have to remember how badly i want this...

because right now, i feel like i would trade it all in for a few more weeks of free-time.

even though that is totally ridiculous and i know it.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

couch time

today would be considered a huge waste to most...
but today, i spent the day (and night) on the couch.

i slept on it, i ate on it, and i have sat and watched movies on it all day.
and it has been glorious.

this weekend has been pretty stellar all the way around.
i'm trying to enjoy myself before getting back to the grind on Monday...
which i am kinda dreading.
i don't like waking up to go to a job i dislike.
and i am not a huge fan of psychiatry or neurology.
so the next 4 weeks are kinda gonna suck a little.
especially since i have to study a ton on top of the work...
and i am having a tonsillectomy, so i am gonna be in some pain.
but it's cool. because i have braced myself for it:
i have learned to stockpile my joy and relaxation before embarking on a hellish period of time.
and that is exactly what i have done.

i went out to the movies with the fellas last night, and it was fun... i heart them.
i had couch time this week, which i adore.
i am eating delicious food, which makes me happy.
i talked to some people that mean a lot to me, and that has been wonderful.
i've been to the paa a bunch, which makes fills me up.
and i am getting my hair done tomorrow, which will make me feel pretty.

i feel like i am getting ready to come out of my burrow.
my safe place.
and that i will be equipped to handle it when i do have to go back out into the world.
psych patients are extremely draining...
not to mention that my life is somewhat exhausting.
but it is all good.
i have had the best spring break ever...
new friends, lots of love, and a full life.
and lots and lots of couch time.

i win.

thanks to everyone for being a part of my joy.
i am grateful for all of it. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

who knew?

i just spent the past hour on the phone with someone talking about deeply personal life stuff.
normally, this wouldn't be something out of the ordinary...
...cuz i LOVE talking on the phone about deeply personal shit.
but i barely know this person, and yet it felt totally comfortable.
i feel like i can trust him with all kinds of shit.
and vice versa.
and it is amazing. for real.
i'm honored that someone would trust me to walk them through their pain and discomfort.
it is a testament to the growth in me. and that is rad.
anyway, i've kinda seen him around for years and then,
out of nowhere,
there came a moment when he reached out and i just happened to be there.
it was pretty perfect.
and i'm really glad it happened... it brings me joy.

this has been happening quite a bit lately...
these magical moments, these new friendships coming out of nowhere... unexpectedly... and it is blowing my mind.
within the last couple of months i have met people who are changing my life.

i have a new bestie, she is in my inner sanctum and i don't take that shit lightly...
but this girl had me at hello and i feel like we are going to be friends until we die.
at least i hope so.

i grew really close to a girl who just moved away... (which makes me super fucking sad)
this chick is amazing... we laughed our asses off on the regular, she spent part of my birthday with me,
we bonded over medical stuff, and she worked her way up my speed-dial favorites list faster than most.
i'm gonna miss her... she is fantastic.

i started hanging out with the guy who i love to love.
we go to the movies, we talk about all the stuff we have in common... which is a lot.
we both love a lot of the same kind of art, tattoos, movies, music, etc. it's rad.
he hugs me like he means it, and he makes me laugh all the time.
it all makes me smile. a lot.
i feel like we are getting closer by the minute and i can't wait to see what happens.

and then there is the guy who trusts me with all his personal life shit.
his heart is super warm, and his vulnerability is a little scary...
i hope he finds what he is looking for.
and i hope it is healthy and makes him happy. for real.

i don't know where all this change is coming from...
my only explanation for it is that I am changing.
and i think this shift is a big one.
i can kinda feel it.

it all is stemming from old relationship stuff.
it's like i'm making room in my heart for new life and new love.
it's pretty effing awesome, i'm not gonna lie.
i'm so glad i am doing the things i need to do to clear out the past,
and repair the old relationships that have been damaged and broken for years.

it gives me some hope, and reminds me that i am never stuck...
i can choose to change whenever i want, and the world will change around me,
or it will get left behind.