Thursday, December 30, 2010

that one time i went off to college

i'm sitting here watching Gilmore Girls...
which if you know me, you know is not a rare event.
it's an episode i've watched many many times before.
it's 'The Lorelais' First Day at Yale'.

every time i watch it, i cry... just a little.
when i was dropped off at college, my mom didn't so much as hug me goodbye.
we drove up to San Francisco, we unloaded her car and mine,
and she looked at me in an angry way, said, "good-bye," (literally),
and got in her car and drove away without even looking back.
my uncle was with her and he hugged me goodbye and said not to mind my mother.

it was awful.
it's a moment i tend to re-live from time to time. especially when watching this episode.

the Gilmore Girls have the relationship with each other that i have always craved with my mother.
they understand each other.
they respect each other.
they love each other.
they teach each other.
they trust each other.
and they are pretty & cool.

so... my mom will never be cool, and i am a huge dork, so that will never be our reality.
but as the years have passed, my mom and i have started to approach Gilmore status.
i know we will never be them... because that was teevee and life just doesn't do that.
but my mom and i have reached a point where we truly love & respect each other.
she doesn't necessarily understand me all of the time, and i don't always understand her...
but we have a beautiful relationship today. and i am extremely grateful for that.
it's a blessing. :)

as far as college good-byes.... what i didn't understand at the time, is that she was sad and hurt.
she didn't want me to go.
plus, she saw me headed in a direction that frightened her.
and i totally started down a destructive path when i left for college.
so she was right to be upset and hurt and sad.
and she simply wasn't capable of expressing that to me at the time.
because, frankly, i wasn't to be trusted with it... i was not someone she could be vulnerable with.

today, things are different.
she still has trouble getting vulnerable, but that is because she is a rock... a pillar...
and she doesn't want people to see the cracks & flaws in something so strong.
but she opens up to me today. and vice versa.
we trust each other with our feelings today.
and our relationship is all the richer for it.

so today, sitting here, i still get a little jealous of all the love that the Gilmore Girls exchange in this episode.
but i am also reminded of how much i have grown and how much my relationship with my mother has evolved as we both have grown up.

it's a beautiful thing. for reals.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

i'm really just a girl...

i know it's easy to forget, what with all of my awesome,
but i really am just a girl.
and i am soft and easily hurt.
especially when i have decided to get vulnerable and let you in.

so when you say things like the things you said,
i feel them. deeply. uncontrollably. and i feel them for a while.

so please, for all the fellas out there...
just choose your words wisely.
because when you think you are just being honest and speaking your mind,
you really may be stabbing us in the soul.

yours truly,
carla

Monday, December 27, 2010

feeling good. it's nice.

lately i have been feeling really good. relaxed. and honestly, it's a little freaky.
i'm really used to feeling anxious and agitated... medical school will do that to you.
(my little adrenal glands have taken a hit over the past few years.)
but over the past few weeks/months, i've been feeling great.
more serene.
more comfortable.
less freaked-out.
it's really really nice.
and people are noticing.
one of my dearest friends said i looked calm. (weird!)
another friend told me i radiate love and warmth. (super-weird!!)
as odd as these things sound coming from my friends,
these are things i have always wanted!
i shared recently, that i was able to soothe myself through a pretty dark moment.
again, this is something i have always wanted... to hold my own hand when shit goes awry.
what a gift!!.. and it has only taken 11 years to get to this place.
no matter.
however long it takes, the ability to feel comfortable in yourself is a blessing. and i realize this.
and while i am the first to admit that i don't 'live' in this place...
that i have moments where i doubt myself and that there are times when i am scared and uncomfortable,
this feeling of unease is not my constant state anymore.

for lack of a better way to put it:
it's REALLY nice. and i like it. a lot.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

gimme?

in case you got to this site and realized its about a lot more than cupcakes and cute things... i thought i would throw this out there so that you aren't completely disappointed. it's definitely a cupcake. and it is cute, for sure. at least i think so. :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

disappointment?

it never fails... people will always disappoint me.

whether it is the friend who stopped calling for whatever reason,
or the other friend who doesn't show up or call when they are supposed to...
i will always be disappointed. it is a given.
sad. but true.

but this doesn't mean that i get to give up hope.
because as much as people disappoint me, there are those who never cease to amaze me.

like my mom, who sends me greeting cards in the mail because she knows i need to feel supported right now.
or the boys who open doors for me so i can feel just a little bit girlie.
or the new friends who text me to wish me luck on a big exam.
or the old friends call me to tell me that they love me.

it's a balance.
and it is delicate.
and i'm grateful for it all.
because i know that the people who are showing up for me now, are the people who count.
they are the ones that matter, because i matter to them.
and the ones who are disappointing me, are not horrible people,
they just aren't the people i need to have in my life right now.
and that is ok.
because when it comes down to it, i have all i need.
always.

so much has happened...

it's been a hot minute since i posted... so here goes it.

hi everyone. or no one. it's hard to say. no matter...
hi. :)

a lot has happened since i last wrote something....
this is what has happened in the past 2 weeks:
i cut off a person's toe. pretty much all by myself.
i helped saw off another person's foot.
i had the honor and privilege of telling a guy in his 20's (and his wife) that he is going to die of metastatic stomach cancer.
i helped countless people change their wound dressings.
i witnessed innumerable trauma situations, including an execution-style gun shot wound to the head.
i stayed overnight at the hospital thrice.
i put in IV's and drew up arterial blood gases.
i broke down and cried hysterically (and out of proportion for what was happening at the time).
i called my mommy. and she brought me soup.
i turned 11 and got caked by my 5 favorite women.
and, finally, i studied and studied for many many days in a row.

in fact, i'm studying right now... well not this second, but you get the gist.

i can't believe my experiences over the past weeks... it's crazy.
it's been overwhelming.
and while i am strangely disconnected from what has been going on around me (more people have died on my service in the past 2 weeks than on any other rotation) i have been getting more joy out of my work. and it is making my day.
i didn't have this experience when i was at the other hospital.
probably because i wasn't in the trenches, like i've been for the past 2 & 1/2 weeks.
it's made the hugest difference!
and to top it all off, i was on the most amazing team ever.
these guys are awesome.
they helped me get involved, they encouraged me to learn and try new things, and they were super friendly.
they ALMOST made me want to do surgery for a living...
(but the lifestyle is shit and i don't think i would be OK if i did.
plus, i told the guys that i'm 'too dainty' for general surgery. they laughed. but it's true.)
so my previous career choice is gonna stick.
even thought now i am leaning more towards Gyn, because it is more surgical.
and i officially heart surgery. with my heart. :)
plus: Gyn is girly surgery. which feels like a better fit for me.
yeah.

so now that i am almost half way done with my school year,
and i am almost done with the surgical part of the year,
i am faced with a sadness:
i am going to miss surgery TERRIBLY.
so instead of sitting idly by, and watching as surgery leaves my life, i decided to take matters into my own hands:
i asked my chief if i could hang out with him starting in January.
and he said 'yes'.
this guy is one of the best teachers i've had in ages. i can tell that he has a passion for teaching.
because every opportunity he got, he showed me something new and explained it in terms i could understand and relate to.
it was wonderful. and i am ├╝ber grateful for him and the fact that he said i could spend time with him after this rotation is over.
i am super stoked. not only because i get to operate with him some more, but also because i didn't want my OR time to end.
i NEED to be in the OR. otherwise i'm just not happy.
it's nice to know that about myself.

who knew that i would love surgery this much?!
not me. seriously. it's wonderfully shocking.

so i guess, on that note, i'll get back to studying for my surgery exam. i really hope i pass... i'm dreading it.

goodnight world.
wish me luck!