Thursday, December 30, 2010

that one time i went off to college

i'm sitting here watching Gilmore Girls...
which if you know me, you know is not a rare event.
it's an episode i've watched many many times before.
it's 'The Lorelais' First Day at Yale'.

every time i watch it, i cry... just a little.
when i was dropped off at college, my mom didn't so much as hug me goodbye.
we drove up to San Francisco, we unloaded her car and mine,
and she looked at me in an angry way, said, "good-bye," (literally),
and got in her car and drove away without even looking back.
my uncle was with her and he hugged me goodbye and said not to mind my mother.

it was awful.
it's a moment i tend to re-live from time to time. especially when watching this episode.

the Gilmore Girls have the relationship with each other that i have always craved with my mother.
they understand each other.
they respect each other.
they love each other.
they teach each other.
they trust each other.
and they are pretty & cool.

so... my mom will never be cool, and i am a huge dork, so that will never be our reality.
but as the years have passed, my mom and i have started to approach Gilmore status.
i know we will never be them... because that was teevee and life just doesn't do that.
but my mom and i have reached a point where we truly love & respect each other.
she doesn't necessarily understand me all of the time, and i don't always understand her...
but we have a beautiful relationship today. and i am extremely grateful for that.
it's a blessing. :)

as far as college good-byes.... what i didn't understand at the time, is that she was sad and hurt.
she didn't want me to go.
plus, she saw me headed in a direction that frightened her.
and i totally started down a destructive path when i left for college.
so she was right to be upset and hurt and sad.
and she simply wasn't capable of expressing that to me at the time.
because, frankly, i wasn't to be trusted with it... i was not someone she could be vulnerable with.

today, things are different.
she still has trouble getting vulnerable, but that is because she is a rock... a pillar...
and she doesn't want people to see the cracks & flaws in something so strong.
but she opens up to me today. and vice versa.
we trust each other with our feelings today.
and our relationship is all the richer for it.

so today, sitting here, i still get a little jealous of all the love that the Gilmore Girls exchange in this episode.
but i am also reminded of how much i have grown and how much my relationship with my mother has evolved as we both have grown up.

it's a beautiful thing. for reals.

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