Sunday, February 20, 2011


remember when i wasn't in medical school?
i don't.

it feels like i have spent the better part of a lifetime getting through these past 3 years.
it has been awful. and wonderful.
and exhausting. and overwhelming.
and that is just an average week in the life of Me.

yesterday, a man told me he wanted me to be his doctor.
he wanted ME to care for him and keep him healthy.
no one else.
i was honored.

this past week i have studied for over 60 hours.
on top of a 45 hour work week.
i am exhausted.

tomorrow i will take two 3 hour exams, practically back-to-back.
plus i need to pack for my weekend trip, i need to load the dishwasher, i need to take out the trash, and i need to clean out my car.
i am overwhelmed.

the bad news is... this is going to be my semi-constant state for the next few years.
the good news is... it isn't constant. and it is not permanent.

this is the part of the tight-rope walk where i i look down and freak out because i am so high off the ground.
and then i realize that there is a net. and if i fall i won't break... i'll bounce. i am safe.
soon i will be on the other side.
and i have no idea what it will look like.
where i will end up.
what will happen to me

but i DO know that whatever happens to me... to my life... to my dreams...
that i will not fall and break. i will bounce.
i am safe.
i am taken care of.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day 2011

today was a really good day.

called in sick to work. cuz i'm sick. (cough cough)
then went to Swinger's, my home away from home...
where i was treated to breakfast in the afternoon...
and a pink Valentine's cupcake.

then i studied for a while. which made me feel good.

now i'm sitting at home.
on my couch.
with my Valentine, KD.
we're watching New Moon, all girly-sappy-style.
and drinking kombucha.
and i'm sucking on menthol cough drops.

and now it's 11:11 p.m.
and it's perfect.

there is so much love in my life.

like the guy at Erewhon said: "that's really beautiful."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

why do i even bother sometimes?

i try really hard to be a grown-up human bean.
to act as though i have had fear and resentment removed from my life.
and then you go and act like a fucking idiot.

and so i wonder,
"what the eff am i doing this for? when you aren't giving me the same courtesy and honor?"
but then i remember.
you and what you do don't matter.
what I do matters.
because I am the one who is gonna have to live with it once it's done.
so i show up and act like a grown-up.
and i stifle my rage and channel it elsewhere.
since it isn't truly rage at all. it is fear and sadness and hurt.
and i sit in my living room.
and i write. and i sulk a little because i am not above it yet.
and decide to take myself to a depressing movie.
so i don't have to think about what an asshole you were.
and how i didn't have to act like a dick to you today.
because i bothered to act like my fear and resentment was removed.
in that moment.

i guess it's alright that i bother sometimes.
and even though payback isn't immediate...
i supposed i will continue to bother.

ok, you win HP... again.
thanks. for the clarity.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

it's over.

it happened on sunday.
i can barely say it out loud.
so i'm not going to.
but just know this:

it will never happen again.
never ever.