Thursday, September 1, 2011

putting myself to the test.

every now and again there comes a time in everyone's life when they are forced to push themselves.
this is one of those times.

i am preparing for yet another Board exam.
these things suck. bad.
it's an all-day affair (8 hours of testing), with limited breaks...
and i am basically being tested on a year's worth of material (if not more).
it is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting.

not only am i completely aware of how it will feel (this is the 2nd Board exam i am taking),
but i have been studying for weeks.
and i am reaching an emotional limit.
my world is super small.
it has been condensed down to a pitiful state of crappy-ness.
it currently consists of 8-12 hours a day on my couch in front of my computer.
when i'm not on the laptop, i'm reading facts and memorizing medications, formulas, and equations.
it sucks.
and i wouldn't wish this on anyone.

the last exam didn't go so well... i was kind of a wreck.
i couldn't eat that day because my stomach was turning.
i didn't sleep right the night before because i knew i wasn't ready.
it was one of the worst days of my life.
and i'm not exaggerating.
(i wish i was.)
so mentally preparing myself for this experience is an ordeal.

i feel better this time around, and i know i am working hard.
really really hard.
it's draining.
and i know this is only temporary,
and i can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel,
but that doesn't always help me in moments when i just want to give up and stop.
even though i know i really can't stop.
because i'm not done learning.

so i have to remember that all of this is just a test.
(literally... i am just studying for a test.)
but it's also a test of will. a test of endurance and strength.
a challenge.
and i seem to be facing it.
i feel like i'm doing good work.
i hope i am anyway.
my amazing boyfriend tells me that i am... and i trust him completely so i believe him.
even though i doubt myself all the time.
but knowing that i am the toughest woman he knows is inspiring.
i like being tough.
(because inside i feel like a little squishy thing.)
his faith in me makes me stronger.
i'm so grateful for it.

thank GOD for him.
he amazes me everyday.
and knowing that he believes in me helps me believe in myself when i don't feel like i can.

so now i'm off to bed.
i put in a good day of work.
i'm going to get some good sleep.
i'm gonna wake up, work out, study my ass off, maybe tan a little, and then see my guy...
who i love more than i've ever loved anyone in my whole life.
i'm pretty lucky. :)

good night and thanks for reading.

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