Sunday, August 8, 2010

amazed. exhausted. lonely. but fulfilled.

my life has been so crazy these past couple of weeks.
recovering from a pediatric illness (stoopid earache).
recovering from the time spent with the boy (stoopid breakup).
and today, recovering from an overnight call at L&D (stoopid schedule).

here i sit. studying, on top of the exhaustion i feel.
all i want to do is lay in bed and eat salty snacks and watch the telly.
but instead i am muscling through... just like i do. when i have so much to do.
i supposed i am a little annoyed with the fact that my to-do list is getting longer and longer as the days go by.
but it will all get done. i'm not too worried.
well... a little worried. cuz that's how i roll.
but mostly, i feel really good about my life.
i can see how my patients react to me and how i am making a difference in their lives.
i can see how like-able i am and how easily i get along with my colleagues.
and most of all, i can see the love and humanity in all that i am doing...
what's better than babies being born?!
and how cool is it that i get to bring new life into the world and share in that joy?!
now i get to see womens' lives being altered by the surgeries i am a part of.

and amongst all this there is the reminder that everything is fragile and can be changed forever without hesitation.
the other day i got to see a friend's life changed forever by a parent dying suddenly, and then i got to watch this person show up for their own life.
then i start to think about my own mom.
and the love she has for me.
and how it never wavers and grows stronger with each passing day.
and how i love that i need her.
and how she has molded me into the woman i am today, for better or for worse.
and then there's my friends.
and how they love me.
and how they remind me that i have no reason to feel alone in all this.
even though i am different from anyone i have ever met.
even though i feel like i am walking this path all alone.
all this, and i know that i am always surrounded by love and i am never alone. never ever.

my ife... amazing. exhausting. lonely. but fulfilling.

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