Wednesday, November 17, 2010

i am the system, and it's a stochastic process

From wiki:
"Stochastic (from the Greek στόχος for aim or guess) means random.
A stochastic process is one whose behavior is non-deterministic, in that a system's subsequent state is determined both by the process's predictable actions and by a random element."

the things that have occurred in the past few days have by no means been completely random.
i am aware of the process i am involved in... and how the things that have happened to me over the course of the past few days were unplanned.
yet, expected.

i witnessed a stranger's death.
i was present.
i got vulnerable. twice.
i was honest, open, and unafraid.
i made a bad choice.
i voiced my feelings, and i took care of myself.
i got taken care of by the people who love me.
i was reminded of my awesome.
and then, it was all alright.
i was with my people.
and i was home.

none of this was random.
all that has happened has occurred with purpose.
i have grown, yet again.
through the discomfort, through the fear, i sprout up like a little green thing trying to find sunlight.

i remember how awesome i am, and how awesomely i am loved.
MY subsequent state is being determined both by my own (as well as others') predictable actions, and by a random element.
that random element is my HP.

so once again, i get to be grateful.
because without the random, there is no process.
and without my HP, there is no true me.

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