Wednesday, January 25, 2012

calming myself.

so the past week has been intense.
for a variety of reasons.

when i am overwhelmed,
my emotional process can go one of two ways:
amplification or compartmentalization.
this past week has been a mixture of the two,
with EJ taking the brunt of the amp'd bit.

basically, i am fretting about my future.
all of it.
residency, the match, my friendships, my relationships, my family, the list goes on and on.
i have also been drowning in a sea of tasks.
my school work has piled up regardless of my work ethic.
and i have taken on responsibilities that have been hard to manage in a sane way.

now that i have time to come up for air,
i realize that my faith has been faltering.
i am caught in a strange place -
i know i need to do the foot-work to realize my wants/desires/dreams,
but i also know i am powerless when it comes to the final result.
so i fret.
and i worry.
and i cry.
and i try to control the one area of my life that seems the most manageable.
and it blows up in my face.

what i concluded after the past week of semi-agony,
is that i need to calm down and let go.
and while i knew this all along,
it took a while for me to feel it (as opposed to just knowing it).

the visual i created for myself around all of this is pretty awesome,
so i am going to share it.

in my mind,
i imagine i am walking to the edge of a cliff,
high above the clouds.
it reminds me of Haleakala.
it's beautiful, peaceful, and cool.
i look over the edge of the cliff,
and i see clouds below.
i'm too high up to see the ground,
but i know it is there.
and that it will break my fall,
and that i will be safe.

i basically feel like i have taken a risk, chosen to hold on to my partner's hand and jumped.
i don't know what is going to happen between the jumping-off point and the ground,
but i know that it is none of my business.
anything could happen:
we could lose our grip on each other, and land safely apart,
ending up in completely different places.
or we may land together, having never let go.
or we may face a huge storm or gusts of wind on our way down,
only to have been brought closer together because of our combined struggle.
i don't know.
but i DO know that i am less scared today than i was yesterday.
and i am in more faith today than i was yesterday.
and i have never stopped believing that i am going to be ok, no matter what.
and for all of this, i am grateful.

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