calming myself.

so the past week has been intense.
for a variety of reasons.

when i am overwhelmed,
my emotional process can go one of two ways:
amplification or compartmentalization.
this past week has been a mixture of the two,
with EJ taking the brunt of the amp'd bit.

basically, i am fretting about my future.
all of it.
residency, the match, my friendships, my relationships, my family, the list goes on and on.
i have also been drowning in a sea of tasks.
my school work has piled up regardless of my work ethic.
and i have taken on responsibilities that have been hard to manage in a sane way.

now that i have time to come up for air,
i realize that my faith has been faltering.
i am caught in a strange place -
i know i need to do the foot-work to realize my wants/desires/dreams,
but i also know i am powerless when it comes to the final result.
so i fret.
and i worry.
and i cry.
and i try to control the one area of my life that seems the most manageable.
and it blows up in my face.

what i concluded after the past week of semi-agony,
is that i need to calm down and let go.
and while i knew this all along,
it took a while for me to feel it (as opposed to just knowing it).

the visual i created for myself around all of this is pretty awesome,
so i am going to share it.

in my mind,
i imagine i am walking to the edge of a cliff,
high above the clouds.
it reminds me of Haleakala.
it's beautiful, peaceful, and cool.
i look over the edge of the cliff,
and i see clouds below.
i'm too high up to see the ground,
but i know it is there.
and that it will break my fall,
and that i will be safe.

i basically feel like i have taken a risk, chosen to hold on to my partner's hand and jumped.
i don't know what is going to happen between the jumping-off point and the ground,
but i know that it is none of my business.
anything could happen:
we could lose our grip on each other, and land safely apart,
ending up in completely different places.
or we may land together, having never let go.
or we may face a huge storm or gusts of wind on our way down,
only to have been brought closer together because of our combined struggle.
i don't know.
but i DO know that i am less scared today than i was yesterday.
and i am in more faith today than i was yesterday.
and i have never stopped believing that i am going to be ok, no matter what.
and for all of this, i am grateful.

i'm gonna enjoy.

hey there.

so i've been on vacation for the past 10 days.
and i am still not sick of being on vacation.

i still have over 3 weeks left, and i'm sure that i'll be ready for life again by then...
but for now, i am reveling in the lack of things to do,
and the endless supply of inane things to watch on teevee.
netflix and cable are bringing me joy and i am not ashamed to admit it.

this is pretty much the last time i am going to enjoy this kind of freedom from responsibiltiy.
probably ever.
i haven't enjoyed a break this long in over 3 years,
and it is unlikely i will enjoy it again.

so i am not going to judge myself for sleeping in until noon everyday.
and i am not going to shame myself for eating a bowl of cereal twice a day.
i am going to enjoy it.
and love it.
because after this i may not be able to say, "i don't have anything to do today."
and i don't want to waste this time thinking i should be doing something.
when there is truly nothing to be done.
for real.
and that is wonderful.

a run-in with the past

it's amazing, the clarity you get with time and distance.
tonight i saw someone i haven't seen in about a year.
(it's been a really good year.)
and i'm glad i had space from him and his way of being.
he has not changed a bit,
even though he claims to have grown up "a lot"...
but objectivism has never been his strong point,
especially since he runs on self.
and maybe i'm just as confused as he is when i think i've changed too...
except i have been told that i am indeed different than i was when we were together.

i have grown into myself over the past couple of years and i have a lot to be grateful for.
and being around him reminded me of my immense gratitude for the life i have today.
i am honest and true to myself in every area possible.
i have love and laughter in my life.
i have a sense of purpose and an outlet for my passion.
i'm living wholly and truly.
and while i suppose my past has led me to my present,
i have a tiny twinge of regret when i think about the time i spent with him.
i know it was real in the moment,
but if reality is so malleable,
then what's to say my life today is any more real?
or any less real.
(deep. whoa.)

anyway, i guess i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that
the chapter of my life with him in it has been over for some time.
and i couldn't be happier about it.
if our paths cross again, it won't ruin my day or anything like that,
but it isn't necessary.
and it would be fine if it didn't happen again.

it's kinda like a town that you have visited on more than one occasion,
thinking it will be better the next time.
and it never is.
it's like that.
only with a dude, instead of a town.
yeah.

it's time.

so i have been putting this part off for some time,
but it has become evident that the time has come to deal.
i want what i want, and i want it to be mine.
so the time has come to line all the ducks up and knock 'em down one at a time.

i've spent a lot of time over the past few days talking with people in my field.
people who know what i'm about to embark on.
and they all have opinions.
and suggestions.
and algorithms.
but i need to find the one that fits me (which is not an easy task).
because sincerity outshines overcompensation... every time.
and i want to do things because of their underlying purpose,
not to fill up space on my CV.

i want to shine the way i know i can shine.
and lately i've been feeling rusty and dull.
which is only my perception, i know, but it Feels real.

anyway, i guess all i am saying is:
now i know what i need to do to get what i want.
and i think i am ready to do it.
all of it.
because i am staying in LA for residency.
period.
and i am going to be happy.
for real.
and i will not cry on Match Day.
no way.
because i will know what is coming before it happens.
i will know in my gut... the place inside me i have learned to trust.
i will know it with every fiber of my being that i am on the right path.
because that feeling hasn't failed me yet.

enjoying.

so it's been a little over 7 months now, and i am officially more in love than i have ever been in my entire life.
this relationship is so perfect that i find myself questioning it and worrying about it a ton.
i feel like i'm gonna break it or something, even though it is far too awesome for little me to be able break it.
but still. i worry.
i'm constantly checking in with him to make sure he feels as good as i do.
and guess what... he does.

i have never been this happy with anyone. not ever.
he understands me.
he supports me.
he encourages me to be me... even when i'm being retarded and crazy.
he always makes me feel safe.
he tells me he loves me and i know he means it.
we are totally doing this relationship thing!
and i think we're doing it well.

as the days continue to pass us by,
i hope i can stay in the moment more...
so that i can enjoy where we are with each other.
because before i know it, this part of the relationship will be behind us.
and we will have spent our lives together.
and i'll wish i had this time to revel in the love we have for each other.
and the way it's growing everyday.
because this part only happens once.
and i don't want to miss it because i was too busy thinking about tomorrow and not about today.

in love with love

so i just left my friend,
who i was lucky enough to have ALL to my self tonight,
and we are both blissfully happy.
which makes me blissfully happy.
because everyone deserves to feel the way i feel on the daily.
and if any one person deserves it more than everyone else,
it's her.

she is wonderful, kind, and full of love and warmth,
and i am SO glad she has love in her life.
because she has been super happy for me over the past few months,
and even though she has been wanting the same thing for herself,
she never made me feel as though she was jealous or resentful of my joy.
she was supportive.
and loving.
and sincerely happy for me.
and now i get to return the favor.
which makes me ecstatic.

life is good.
i've missed her.
and i'm glad we got to share our love with each other.
because love is awesome.
i ♡ love!

loneliness

so i dropped EJ off at the station earlier tonight,
and as i was on my way home, all by my lonesome,
i was struck with a terrible loneliness.
a sadness.
a feeling i haven't had in a long, long time.

i realized that i am kinda sorta having a hard time.
i miss my girlfriends.
a ton.
i miss having girls around me who love me and support me.
i miss relating to them and listening to their experiences.
i miss the mutuality.

the girls that are left, the ones who haven't moved away,
don't include me in the things they do.
i'm not one of them, i guess.
i don't know.
maybe they just don't like me.
maybe they think i don't like them.
all i know is that first CL moved and now KD,
and i am just starting to feel a wee bit unsteady.

maybe i am too hard on people and i don't give them enough of a chance?
maybe i am just not easy to get along with?
maybe i just don't fit in. again.
whatever it is, i just wish it was easier for me to make friends.

as it is, i already feel like my life is compartmentalized.
my school life is separate from my fellowship time...
so i already feel like i am drifting from one place to the other with little-to-no crossover in between...
which makes the absence of the women in my life all the more pronounced.
they were all i had holding me together outside of the stress of school.
and now the numbers are dwindling and i am starting to feel alone.

and while i am totally grateful to have enough time in my life to actually miss being around my friends,
and while i am super stoked that i get to study with my school bestie (i've missed her too),
i still wish i had my friends back.
because i don't think i should feel this alone.
i feel like i am more like-able than this.
maybe i'm not?

i guess i'll just have to try harder.
even though i wish i didn't have to try at all.