remember?

remember when i wasn't in medical school?
i don't.

it feels like i have spent the better part of a lifetime getting through these past 3 years.
it has been awful. and wonderful.
and exhausting. and overwhelming.
and that is just an average week in the life of Me.

yesterday, a man told me he wanted me to be his doctor.
he wanted ME to care for him and keep him healthy.
no one else.
i was honored.

this past week i have studied for over 60 hours.
on top of a 45 hour work week.
i am exhausted.

tomorrow i will take two 3 hour exams, practically back-to-back.
plus i need to pack for my weekend trip, i need to load the dishwasher, i need to take out the trash, and i need to clean out my car.
i am overwhelmed.

the bad news is... this is going to be my semi-constant state for the next few years.
the good news is... it isn't constant. and it is not permanent.

this is the part of the tight-rope walk where i i look down and freak out because i am so high off the ground.
and then i realize that there is a net. and if i fall i won't break... i'll bounce. i am safe.
soon i will be on the other side.
and i have no idea what it will look like.
where i will end up.
what will happen to me

but i DO know that whatever happens to me... to my life... to my dreams...
that i will not fall and break. i will bounce.
i am safe.
i am taken care of.
always.

<3.

Valentine's Day 2011

today was a really good day.

called in sick to work. cuz i'm sick. (cough cough)
then went to Swinger's, my home away from home...
where i was treated to breakfast in the afternoon...
and a pink Valentine's cupcake.

then i studied for a while. which made me feel good.

now i'm sitting at home.
on my couch.
with my Valentine, KD.
we're watching New Moon, all girly-sappy-style.
and drinking kombucha.
and i'm sucking on menthol cough drops.

and now it's 11:11 p.m.
and it's perfect.

there is so much love in my life.

like the guy at Erewhon said: "that's really beautiful."
lol.

why do i even bother sometimes?

i try really hard to be a grown-up human bean.
to act as though i have had fear and resentment removed from my life.
and then you go and act like a fucking idiot.

and so i wonder,
"what the eff am i doing this for? when you aren't giving me the same courtesy and honor?"
but then i remember.
you and what you do don't matter.
what I do matters.
because I am the one who is gonna have to live with it once it's done.
so i show up and act like a grown-up.
and i stifle my rage and channel it elsewhere.
since it isn't truly rage at all. it is fear and sadness and hurt.
and i sit in my living room.
and i write. and i sulk a little because i am not above it yet.
and decide to take myself to a depressing movie.
so i don't have to think about what an asshole you were.
and how i didn't have to act like a dick to you today.
because i bothered to act like my fear and resentment was removed.
in that moment.

i guess it's alright that i bother sometimes.
and even though payback isn't immediate...
i supposed i will continue to bother.

ok, you win HP... again.
thanks. for the clarity.

it's over.

it happened on sunday.
i can barely say it out loud.
so i'm not going to.
but just know this:

it will never happen again.
never ever.

challenges

this week i am being challenged.
i am facing something that i didn't ever expect to have to walk through again.

the best part is that...
today, i am facing it.
looking it in the eye.
and walking through it with grace and dignity.
because, apparently that is how i roll now.

that is pretty effing awesome.

and thank GOD for the people i have around me.
supporting me.
loving me.
laughing with me at the ridiculousness of it all.
and making sure i am taken care of... and taking care of myself.

thank GOD for the fact that today, i am blessed enough not to have to go through it alone.
because this.... this one is not to be done alone.
no way.
too big.
too difficult.
too sad.

so if you are going through something hard... something that you didn't think you could face,
i hope you are as lucky as i am.
to have people in your life who love you.
and to have the soundness of mind and heart to process it for what it is.
hard.
and scary.
and painful.
because today, i feel everything.
and i am lucky to be clear enough to do so.

xo

my world got flipped upside-down today

and i must never forget how it righted itself.

that's all.

this one is for me.

2011

tonight i rang in the new year at Disneyland with my sista from another mista.
this was the first year in a long time i did it for me.
i picked the place and Mary was down... so we made it happen.
and it was a great day.
we are in line for our last ride and then it's time for bed.

as usual, the end of one year and the beginning of another, is a time to reflect and refocus.
this last year was probably the worst and the best i have had in a really long time.
and as a result, i have grown immensely... especially over the past months.
some people are no longer a part of my life,
some new people have entered my life in a huge way,
and i am in a completely different place today than i was at this time last year.
obviously.

if you were to ask me...
i would say that i think i am most grateful for the heartache i endured this past year.
because from the pain, i have been forced to grow in ways i didn't necessarily want to...
and now, on the other side of it all, i am really effin lucky that i was hurting.
because now i am all the more awesome for it.

i can't wait to see what this next year has in store.
i feel great things on the horizon.

2011 is gonna rock my socks off. i can feel it.
and i cannot wait to see what happens.

lots of love to everyone, and happy new year.